you keep moving, but where are you going?

so i left, but thats not the whole story

holding onto what it meant

realizing your intentions

and what i wished i would be

weren't totally matching

and conversations proving

there was experience lacking

now poetry showing

i still get hung up on things

which prove how unhinged i can be

knowing i only love you

because masochism is sweet

cutting like you'll never get to me

and pictures sent showing just how balanced

the pictures weren't blurred

proving my hearts' distance from the use of my curves

and i remember lips against skin

feeling as detached as you

too drunk to remember having me pinned

so why did i place so much emphasis

on my own importance

based off of someone who only wanted me

after having been drunk again

you were not worth it

but begging to only remember the positive

despite the experience

you proved a lack of enlightenment

telling me not to move

as if i dont know what my own body is into

but despite barely meeting expectations

i spent my last night in your car

when the alcohol you had ingested should have had you bent over

instead being careless and an idealist

had me bent over

i didnt know what it meant when you said youd write
recognizing our tendencies
the conversations always lacking in backing
but you surprised me again
falling through
as if to reiterate i should fall through you
and over you
prove im nothing new

the numbers stack up
and all barricade against me
sexual experiences i cant beat
but prove youre everything like me in the least
but our bodies are the only way we'll meet
understanding with you, if it is love
then it is defeat

people change and forget to tell each other

and like i said

too torn up to let you know

you fucked me over

telling me it was a chance to grow

so i have to ask this

because the need to clarify

is something someone stupid and seventeen

would need to get by

if there was ever any chance
keys sticking
but fingers ticking
begging to get by

so lets surpass the passion
fueled by my own loneliness
and get to what it really meant
when you said i needed to get a few more drinks in
already buzzed
my head was fuzz
mistaking your desire to get in
for being a southern gentlemen

but days after i left
let known promises wouldn't be kept
you never asked for the address
complaining i cant stay
as you helped me get dressed

but i cant say i know anything about you
playing would you rather
from the sleep-deprived thoughts i could gather
it never did much
still searching for words in between touch
and knowing better than to wonder if i was better
or if miles just mean something
as in more than i realized hours could be

and questioning now
what the point is
struggling now to get any answers in
wondering nights if roads could lead me there
for the nights stayed, what would the sheets bare?

we were drunkenly tangled until six a.m.
but falling asleep bred emptiness
on opposite sides of the bed
i woke up not knowing what i had been
or even what was expected
your best friend leaping to tell mine
i left without anything being said

so thats where im lost
with you knowing i'll be there when youre drunk
but me knowing all too well that sex isnt love

i am cavalier, you could dissapear

you said you dont want to jump
but all the same made the diving motion
towards a died out notion
that anything could be missed between us
missing the point
that my poetry stays as it was

months ago when  i made the decision
days ago when i ignored your mention
"that you know me"
but not recognizing
it was never just poor timing
and that people aren't things to be known
only memories of bodies we'd hold
and being seventeen last summer
i was careless and bold

and careless is meant
as in i could never care less
i know,
heartless.
but making us out to be anything
would be an overstatement
....leave the witness leading

and if you never recognized before
i never cared any more than i do now
questionnaires held only on one end
speaking my mind
ignoring your lines
and even more,
getting pissed
whenever you shared your less than approved opinion
and i kissed your best friend
with the only regret
being that expectations weren't met
and even more
doing so knowing it was your roommates' bet
to tear apart your safety net

so pin me down with all of them
i am who ive always been
but still being doe-eyed at twenty
you had the wrong impression of me

insecure/self-assured

but i cant get passed what staying up this late means
petrified, bold
leave me fleeing from the scene
i know not enough
to leave without pieces being left of me

i should have gone at goodbye
should have stayed when you asked for my side

its three a.m. and the bed is still made
knowing i wont get up until the light will fade

and i thought "a slow dance" sounded more like a lullaby
something cognizant of what i should find tonight
but forcing myself to be somewhat alright
rolling my eyes when i can't get by

boiled it down to the sleep in my eyes
but you know the distance
several hundred miles
before i can touch the skies

apparently thats what they boiled it down to
a drop in location = a drop in dreams
i guess they knew more of it than me
'cause since i moved i cant find the sleep

and i know my head is spinning
being perched too long
and eyes hurt
cause my thoughts to blur
too long staring at the bright light
to configure
what i want is more

the ability to say what i mean
when i finally speak
...if i finally speak
not pumping in pills to feel somewhat something
id rather feel slightly obscure
but they think the tendencies will be cured
while i think i'll feel more
not realizing the emptiness is worse than any depth
or confusing what i want with the thoughts in my head

when i asked if you were awake
you asked if i was okay
maybe i should have told you "no"
i made the wrong decision in coming home
thinking i could be helped
but was responded with feeling more alone

i know this doesnt make sense
god, nothing ever really makes sense
does it?
we always just feign interest
pretend for the best

but maybe it never was
you dont have time
just in your nature to be benign
or feel bad because i was of use
and you got screwed

you know im naive
but i like to pretend
i knew it all in the end
bluffing i have the same intentions
but i only ever feel pinned and you win

logical/fully-aware

"I'm tangible. You feel me?"
but youre only close enough to be seen
and just enough to know you'll be lost
if i blink
i get what you mean
although not ideally

the gap is too large to jump
and spaces in between
misrepresent what my heart means

or what is okay to say
after a month
of liking you this way
not the same
when the clock delays

i stayed up
as you told me i was beautiful
and you liked me more
although i didn't know how to react
the compliments took me back
always pulled downed by what i lack

"there were holes in you,
the kind that i could not mend"
but you said its easier just to bend
maybe it is
and why it hurts so much more
because the proof is still there
when the walls are torn
scarlet and known
that i was born to be worn

maybe we do spend too much time
searching for ourselves
in someone else's eyes
or worse,
realizing thats somewhere we wont find

but all of this talking gives me a headache
knowing where its going
and its going nowhere
but knowing more: i don't care

four days
or less
because i counted yesterday
but i liked the idea
better than three
rhyming with the way it reminds me
of the tendencies

i make decisions in a panic
knowing if it wasnt in the plan
but i'll do what i can
to get out
anything to retreat
from something which is scary
despite the possibility
it could be good for me

or maybe im only questioning
because of what im missing
or what everyone is saying
that im becoming exactly as i should for my making

but youre only cognizant of what ive told you
bolder now when the distance is miles between
reiterating its best if youre not what i want you to be
if youre only someone to fill the space
to make me feel better
to tie me up like a shoelace

"someone stole the time you thought i was worth."

you said it best
wondering if you ever felt
like i did when i left
that though the sheets were piled up and around you
the comfort never found you

maybe you felt as empty as i did
but the reaction was different
while i was trying to prove the point
you were seeking distance
not knowing what to do with every blurred image

she told me i was a cynic
an extension of my pessimism
as you held me in
the lack of understanding
of exactly where i was standing

but he told me i should be honest
that im old enough to get beyond this
but i think that the only reason im dwelling
is because there was something about that night which was telling

alcohol isnt the only that got the best of me
not the worst being my body seen
although maybe thats still challenging
i was begging for a representation of feelings
because words leave my heart fleeing

but i still wonder what i thought would be decreed
a flag marked body
and you can say you had me
but a lack of ability to say it was lovely
because it would be a massive overstatement to say you love me

maybe i jumped too far ahead
though i know that couldn't be
i made damn sure to let myself breathe
before sending anything which could be too damning

youre not who i thought you would be
maybe more of someone whose like me
though the chance of any depth is still unlikely
maybe its just me
that eyes knew that i was too easy

as i said before
i asked for some depth
something you apparently dont get
or something i dont get
because im not someone to share secrets with
just a bed

but i get it
i jumped too quickly
let my legs spread
led with my body
instead of my head

and you were right again
that theres a difference in age
gap caused by what i hate
the idea that i wont get anywhere before its too late

maybe its too late
maybe it always was
and we are what the past makes
thats why we're damaged goods

like some kind of ghost

you said
though i know it wasnt for me
years before we'd ever meet
i'll die before i find some meaning
i'll die before i can really breathe

but something spoke
to two thousand and nine
four years before
just finding the rhymes
i was thirteen before
just meeting him
six years older
now eight
but not that i think you know the weight

i read your poetry
trying to find what they really mean
if it had happened
wondering if they changed who you had been
eyes not yet met mine
but writing about a sad girl
drunk like the mixed drinks
you made to find me
lonely in a bed
you left me coldly
despite my knowing the possibility

you said the moon was hard to find
crescent reflections placed on the back of my mind
wanted to tell you stories
but yet couldn't get you alone long enough
without the music turned up
too loud to hear myself think
and just enough to cover the hitch of my breathing
you told me to shut up

you were right
the paths that we choose lead us astray
and i made damn sure you'd like me that way
moved forward with my body
because i hate the depth which comes along with talking
the possibility of you knowing anything
of what is damaging to my self-esteem

two hours wasn't enough sleep
and the way the curtains pulled open
shone light through
i felt used by you
especially after
when i left but nothing was said

i know im trying harder
hours between where i faultered
but you saying anything
will lead any girl to believe
maybe its different
not really just the day after
he told me to wait a week after
to say things which could possibly shatter
but im going home soon
not soon enough
but enough to hate who i made myself out to be
young and stupid enough for your using

cause i have been left alone

ask me what im into
because you dont know what you got yourself in to
and you say its not my turn to speak
some different things
after gin, i heard in jen "fuck" in the background
while we were fucking in the background

youre not who i thought you would be
and not that thats a bad thing
far more sweet
than i was expecting
but i dont know if its my fault
or if i should have seen it in the stars
after i told you
about the only constellation i knew
the one which was exaulted
because thirteen is unlucky
and any more reasoning is unlikely

and i thought it meant something as we spoke
two weeks of feeling less alone
feelings bred
yet which still lack back bone
squirming because i dont want you to hurt me
though i know i'll only ever blame me
you were right
its not my turn to speak
thoughts too clouded to say what i mean
i know who i am
even though its sickening

im not ahead of myself.
i want that known
i just broke
and im confused
have the sick interest in being abused
because its comfortable
i hate the idea of feeling more
like cuddling
i hate the holding
like possibly meaning something

but let me know where i stand
if there is interest
or beds are quick sand
quick enough to forget who i am
in a bed i dont yet understand
and probably never will
wondering now if just you had time to kill

"I remember laughing as if you weren't leaving"

my head hurts
knowing im not what you deserve
someone whose eyes
encompass the world

baby blue
i love saying i love you
and the way you loved to turn my radio up
cant wait for the weekend
when i can tell you just how much

and i leave my window cracked
just enough to cover what i lack
saying im open
though you know im pinned
and im a cynic
so you know what it means
when i say im spent

and though it was short
i know i love you more
maybe because of it
maybe because you say you want to forget
when it hurts to miss

we stayed up all night
not realizing how much it sucks
to say goodbye
or that i would cry
cover it up by saying i didnt care
then held tighter than ever before
with my face in your hair
it smelled like my shampoo
because you took a shower
while i locked myself in my room

it sucks trying to remember what you look like
knowing i'll see you soon
and the red will be faded
fucked myself with how long i waited

whose gonna love me when all that liquors gone?

train tracks
knowing then i'd want my body back
and every moment spent there
but alcohol left my head spinning there

we're not who we thought we would be
and certainly not as the past catches up with me
and more realizing that statistically
im exactly what they said i would be

despite everything i said i wouldnt
i thought i knew who i was
but i guess i couldnt

and even more theres always more
i have to question now if it was all a game
because i feel like a score

i heard he got me drunk intentionally
then turned the music up
because sobriety is plaguing
tomorrow when my head swells too much
trying to retrace the steps between his touch

and i remember what i told her
that i hate myself enough to do it all again sober
i should have told him to stop talking
although i lost my head
i knew what it meant to be in that bed

i placed my body there for a reason
thinking i wouldn't get the chance in any other season
and the jealousy got the best of me
so you got what you wanted
and i got what i need
the proof that i damn myself to lack of meaning

and just then the music said i probably got what i deserve
knowing now i cant be hurt
my head hates me
justifying things its not okay to say
i walked the wrong way
after everything my heart can still cave

i should have known i dont have it in me
that its not that easy to get what i want without giving a piece of me
but i want you to know i dont regret it
i just always expect to be stronger in the end
but im like a lost puppy
dont know what to do because sex isnt loving
and not so surprisingly, i didnt win

Watching the Stars on a Big Screen

railroad tracks
remembering now that the past lasts
i said memories were something that molds us
even more when there's no one to hold us

ive been told that im too quiet
but you know that thats never quite it
and there was something twinkling in your eyes
when you said smiles are the hardest disguise
but everything i said was an exception
you know more than i would normally let on

everything said had felt the depth
and a heart known securely every secret is kept
knowing now memories shouldnt plague us
because everything which happens has its reasons
whether or not we realize we need it

and the ringing now in the basement
reminds me of everything i hated
like how i felt when that train went by
knowing how easy it could be to die

but knowing more i loved the stars that night
i fucked up thinking cassiopeia was aries
but you said that we're more than what we carry
and every conversation we've ever had
dug deeper than i knew you could have

wanna cause a wreck in your head

not just fall asleep in your bed
let everything i say make way for feelings of hatred
that i want you but i wont do anything about it

because i have the tendency to fall between
the opportunities rip apart the seams
before i take advantage of the chance
wish i was drunk enough to fall for romance

but we havent talked in a month
so when you said you miss me
i had to call your bluff

youre not who you said you would be
said you love me
until i left you leading
but i didnt realize we put conditions to it
or that after i was honest
it could be ruined

because apparently i broke a promise
i didnt know we made
and in turn you fucked in the bed we laid

so i forgot what you said
cause i need space
and in turn find the time
to burn the plans that we made

you said
and maybe it was for me
"youve been dry heaving your emotions all summer"
that left me questioning
if there was ever any sanctity
in what we wanted
or if it was all for the fun of it

because we love feeling loved
but we arent actually capable of doing it
your promises left me turning in
rolled up like hearts that you bent

maybe he was right
that i stole you from him
and im okay
because i recognize now
you were never mine to begin with

make the decision to be happy

i told you i loved you madly
and that it doesnt matter
because regardless of whether or not you disagree
i think youre so fucking lovely

i know youre going through shit right now
 ...it all seems to be fucking up
everything you want seems to be tumbling down
...and piling up

but sweetheart, sometimes life isnt what it should be
sometimes what we think we want leaves us empty
and time has a way of creeping
remind you theres no time for sleeping

i want you to know that we all fuck up
when theres too much time in the spaces between
we're not always who we thought we would be

but damning yourself to lack of meaning
only reenforces that youre learning something you should be
and in time, you'll understand everything you need

so dont stress...
everything that means anything is always a mess
when asking you if you'll still fuck him when he gets here
is just a test

to see if theres anything
would be a lie
to the test of time

we all need a break
cause he fucked you over
so you stayed awake

and you made yourself alright
im so glad that two days was enough time
and that you found the right space
to allot the rhyme

"You mess me up completely"

I love the way she said it
like it was something meant
but shes incapable
of being left bent
more like leaving ones spent

it used to mess me up completely
that after everything
shes not who she said she would be
forgot the part where she said shed love differently

but many things happen unexpectedly
and the same for you
i hope you wont pin it against me
sometimes feelings come uneasily

broken hearts leave you empty
even more than youre meant to be
but sometimes, people come around to tell you youre lovely
enough to make me forget the things
which before only stressed the breaking

maybe i like you because you can make me forget
enough to remember what i always wanted
but enough to know better that i wont get it
maybe im just going back again

old enough to be just like him
and still able to make me not care
young enough to be aware
and youre not just like him

but i still have to wonder if you just like to talk
cause everything brings me back
to leading me on
when three years strung along
is long enough to wonder if i did it wrong
or if it was never in the plan
in the first place
i realize now all that time was a waste

i just dont want to do it again
i put too much heart in
and im asking now
though i dont want to get ahead
i want you to be honest
because i want to be clear of your intention
before diving in

"wiping your shoes at the door mat and still making a mess"

I don’t know how I should feel

So unexpected

It doesn’t seem real

But only now

I know less of you

Than I feel I should have

Want to know what you think

Saying youre thoughts still aren’t gathered

But realizing now

That more I have mattered

And I never even considered it

As you said, my eyes never reflected

Maybe because I never considered an option

Or maybe, heartbreakingly

Because friends are like gin

You always want more of it

And yet, condescendingly,

I have to wonder if it’s a misplace in feelings

A misstep

cause a compliment had your heart leapt

I want you to know what you mean to me

Although time may have me retreating

Apologizing for every word left you leading

To believe that it was a possibility.

I am so goddamn sorry

Not knowing how to handle things

Because I always feel my heart retreating

I love that youre writing

That words have a way of describing

Feelings I didn’t know could be a thing

And now youre waiting in the room opposite of me

Waiting for the same kind of response

But knowing it will leave you empty

Saying you fucked yourself

By being too friendly

But everything here leaves me unkempt

Remembering boys and girls back home

Who made my heart bend

I love you with every right fiber

But, im sorry, that theres a lacking in fire

"I stayed over, for old time's sake."

i dont know who i'll be
going home to get some sleep
or who i'll find wrapped in sheets
boy i left to find some meaning
and what he'll say when i get back
pulling strings to show what i lack
something i cant help when he knows my name
and even more the way i cave

i am who i said i know i will be
that i cant promise anything
already fucked what you believed
that i was someone worth your waiting

and though i said ive loved you lately
theres always things which are changing
and break what you needed of me
to be the girl you found lovely
but im not who i used to be
and even more who i was at fourteen

and i considered what could happen monday
two months after i had you my way
what i said will be our last
then later saying i want it back

and a week later when we last spoke
because i didnt want to answer
i knew i couldnt say it back
what we had isnt what we have
im sorry for saying i can
thought i loved you
but thats not who i am

and when you find out that im home
i know what will happen
words thrown that will have you pinned
knowing too much that i will win
but all the same that i will bend

"and we see in the same eyes"

tell me what you want
too lost in what you dont say
to understand what you mean
when you speak words passive aggresively
will always love you cause youre lovely
but you cant speak up loud enough
and i can't make you hear me
four hundred miles apart
only barely too far
to leave anything to chance
to fall for a star

and that first night we kissed
it meant all too much
too much to say that you were something i couldnt miss
and why i told you it couldnt happen
so plaster me to the back of your mind
whatever we can do to buy some time
love you all too much to say i dont care
and even more that the distance doesnt wear

im sorry if you know what you shouldnt
that i broke a promise
some bond between us i normally wouldnt
and even more
i feel so awful doing it to him
but there are things out of our control
we can only try to mend
i tried to hold myself back
you should know every bit of the truth
that i love her
even though i love you

and i want you to know that i still draw smoke
imagine the same sort of halo
cast over you
like the night in the back of my car
ive told that story a million times since ive been here
and yet never too much
to say that that was when i truly and honestly fell in love with you
but the drunken part of me made me second guess what my heart believes
and then again when i read about your virginity
how you felt your last bit of sanctity ripping
it tore apart the seams
and fucked everything i wanted to be

i loved you then as i love you now
however fucking shallow
i think youre gorgeous
and i miss every piece of you
golden skin wrapped around me
even when i said i hated it
i loved how you held me when we slept
like you needed me
though at the time i disregarded you as a baby
i could never say i haven't loved you lately

and i cant say it doesnt bother me
that you think my little brother just as lovely
and how he thinks he holds some sort of claim over you
not knowing that i want you for me
and i dont want you to be happy for me
i want you to be happy with me
think youre lovely despite what it may seem
if everything i said to her made you question
when you said everything happened for a reason
and we're not meant to be together
but fuck that
i want you
however untrue it may seem
there are things i wanted to say
but they were too surprising
even for me

not allowed to be real

i guess i just liked the idea of you
some skewed perception of perfection

and now even with questions answered,
youre still leading me back to this
if it was all a plan
cause im doing what i can

though youre breaking your promises
from when you said youd break the mold
but your face was cold
like you were set in stone

and id rather leave my feelings alone
as if i wanna hear something heart wrenching
that theres no reason for me to feel this way
i dont want to know the true reason i caved

but you always pull me back
saying im pretty
and that you like me
but telling others that its not likely

are you doing this to spite me
not that i want you back
already had what i can have
even if it wasn't in the plan

every body on my body
cant leave me haunted
think youre gorgous
i got what i wanted

and you said you didnt mean to hurt anyone
but you didnt tell me
thought that i liked you
but thats not likely

now that i know the truth
found myself sitting alone in the booth
and you still say hey
trying to recall some sliver of feelings

if i feel anything
its not enough
to miss you
or to idealize us two

and it still pisses me off
acting like nothing happened
when i asked you straight up
cause i wasnt who i had been

too quiet to say what i meant
think youre lovely though you left me spent
i still haven't got the point across though
that i want you and youll never know

how we were

and maybe im not who i thought i was
though i cant seem to place the problem in it
we're not always who we thought we would be
but i think theres beauty in what we learn when we finally see

i forever wish i could write you the greatest love letter
but everything i can say seems weak or fake
.or belated
when i cant seem to find the words until the feeling has faded

i remember the last time we spoke
although a while ago
and memories choppy and spaced
i remember i asked you to tell me what you hated

it was a saturday night... i think...
you told me i was jaded
and i tried to explain it away
but failed... changed the subject; your heart is silver plated

i told you we like wars
with ourselves and with each other
most of the time, people would say i lose
but i dont know how i didnt win when i have the bruise

and i cant say im sorry
cause we're not all robots
you want to make up for lost time
but you missed your shot

every single one ive given you
youve given me something to regret
sharing too much
with someone with too little to have ever met

me in the middle
so sure
but you said what i want is too obscure
relapsing back to what is pure

and i thought i told you
im pretty sure i did
that i want you
however unrealistic, it was true

distance fucks us over
i only want you more now that were over

i told you i love you cause i meant it
the past leaves us too unkempt
to throw words around when theyre not meant

and i miss you
however lame that seems
you were always the one
to be able to rip apart my seams
and throw me back in the sea

and cause i know youre lovely
i could forget the things
you did which broke me
and i hope you miss me
that you feel something missing
or that youre at least listening
let me know that i am winning

"i say i may be back. you know what lies are for."

thought you were lovely
but you could never love me

but i guess it doesnt matter because im leaving
fighting something so pointless because i love repeating

you said we had this conversation before
and asked what i thought would happen
when i opened this door

told you i guess i love to fuck myself over
knowing i wanna know you
but i dont want you to know her

and every single time we got close enough
we pulled back
thinking what we had wasnt enough

or maybe it was me
recognizing now
that i change my mind too easily
everything i always feel
only lasts as long as i stay here

or maybe i didnt see
what i should have
saying i'll never be what i want to be
and i hate the way i make myself feel like shit
not thinking you could care even the slightest bit

when you really did
you ended everything for me
and still love me regardless of what i did
i broke your heart
i lied
saying i would cherish it
at least more than she ever did

but i fucked myself in the end
and you made the right decision
going back again
when i could tell you what i want
but never do anything about it

did you know you would regret it or did you not want to be one?

its harder to write when memories are hazy
or maybe when the writer is lazy

i know who i am
thats not the question
but who i am when im not who i want to be
is a good reason to disregard the drunken version of me
i know i wasnt who i wanted to be
i had the plan
it just didn't carry

and now im so lost
dont know who i am
but i know who im not
because i dragged you down with me
just as gone
as i had been
when you had won

but thats not meant to make you believe that i didnt want it too
i told you how i felt about regret
and theres nothing new
im just questioning your motives now
if that was what you really wanted
or just how it went down

then i saw the way you looked at me
made me question what i make myself believe
like that im not enough against you telling me
so maybe i psyched myself out for nothing
let my insecurities get the best of me
despite you saying my beauty is easy

and ill say i took the chance
because another was unlikely
though you say you think im lovely

...or maybe i was right from the beginning
 when i knew i wasnt lovely enough for you to love me

he said "did i hurt you?"

and in response
it was how could you expect not to?
when the strings unravel
just enough to fuck what we wanted
im too charismatic
i know what i want
and you know what you want
and i know its not me
so maybe i dont really know who to be
or just someone who wasnt even afforded a chance
stupid enough to fall for a drunken romance
sleazy when the feelings are easy

youre too tempting when you look at me side ways
half smile cause i'll never have it my way
and you said i looked sad because how could i not be
i asked you a simple question but you couldnt answer me
let this lead to stomach uneasy
thoughts in my head strung across unpleasing
and everything i built up demolished
just fucking tumbled
not who i wanted to be here
have to call back home
despite hating the way "i miss you" sounds on my tongue

i tore apart my own safety net
wanting answers i should have never expected to get
maybe im much more like him than i thought
too damn lost to not care about who we are
we need to have some sliver of clarity
or have the slightest clue as to what we want to do
you knew what you wanted to do
we didnt talk about it because it was too deep
but past leaves you more than unkempt
it molds who you are more than just bend
aside from just keeping you up in bed

i remember that bed
too clearly for thoughts as weary
i hated that tent
everything it stood for
him telling me he wanted me back
that he wanted to kiss me
not knowing what i lack
cause hes too perfect to understand what we cant have
maybe that why i like you instead
someone with ideals and plans
to suspend how we impact what we can
hearing you talk about it broke my heart
knowing who i cant be
someone not lovely enough for you to love me

maybe i disregarded what was spent
tried to fake the realization
that there was something there
i turned greedy
wanted you more than i could have
i took advantage
but oppurtunity would not rise under any other occasion
wanted something to write about
because im incapable of loving myself

can we just change the subject?

i guess what i hated most
was you avoiding the question
as if that would fix it-
the wondering in my head
saturday night made me miss my bed

and even more the comfort
of someone who knew me more
and who cared
that i wished i was there

and you said i seemed sad.
knew the truth
but that didnt change the facts

i guess i like the absence though,
knowing enough
to let it go
i got over the mystery
despite the fact that it was misery

love you despite what you said to me
the fucking lack of anything
but i know why you were refraining from honesty
cause you didnt want to break the smallest things

just wish that i had clarified
i understand if it didnt feel right
or if youre still tied up in the light
and that i never expected much
just liked the way skin felt under touch

and i get the part where you left me
told me you had to get some sleep
because everything went too far for keeps
fucked the most desperate things
cuddling too close to get some sleep

then had to talk about it
i couldnt just let it go
cause timing has a way of fucking what we know
and misconstrue the simplest things
everything thats best for me

you asked me to tell you all the things i missed
everything which was filled with bliss
but i have to concentrate on the saddest things
cause being happy is too far-fetched for me

and its not like anything said
felt any depth
but i had to hold myself back
the tendency to fall between
already ripping apart my seams
when who we are
fuck who we seem

like that im breaking
im so alright
perfect for my making
as if anything you said
could have tore apart my safety net

except maybe it did...
hate who i am
when i knew well enough that i hid
but forgot to place my bullet proof vest
on over my chest

i knew going into it
that everything i did
would fuck what i actually wanted
remind me what its like to be haunted

but these things ive heard lately
made my heart drop
further than i could have thought

and i have to look back to what was said
read further into it
than feelings bred
tonight im sleeping in a messy head

did you tell her?
in vengeance with a step more
had to rub it in
knowing she had no choice but to listen

you couldnt tell me
because you were also waiting for an answer
whether or not she was worth more

well there you go
you tore apart a person
just to hurt another one

feeling less but not nothing at all

i told you i hated it
how you got drunk enough to kiss me
but not drunk enough to miss me
cause when im missing
theres always others to be listening

hope you found your niche
i know youre new
because i am too
but you found where you need to be
something too distant
for my eyes to see
or my heart to meet

i thought the taste of you sweet
lips too soft
to remember im lost
and feeling more
but realizing too soon
that it meant nothing at all
cause you didnt call
when i wanted you to
to tell me that you want me too

but i'll blame myself
like every other time i fell
too soon for a heart to tell
whats the truth
i felt the abuse
and i wrapped the noose

i should have known
but you had me thrown
made me feel like i was one
but not realizing i was only one of some

but i cant hate that
because i know its you
and even more
i love the blue
blank eyes
try and say that youre mine
but i know what i cant be
because youre too lovely
for a lady
though ive loved you lately

"no one dives like you do"

sweetheart
youre everything i want to be
and i love you
cause i know youre missing me
you never miss the chance
to say youve been thinking
fuck what is pleasing
cause you wanna show me
all the colorful things
god youre beautiful beyond belief

i had to hold myself back
from crying
because though ive read it before
my heart had only hit the floor

i only want you more

and i only miss you
not because of
but inflared by
you saying you miss the blue
speckles in my eyes
god your poetry made me wanna cry

ive been reminiscing
telling stories of the way you kissed me
and on your birthday
i wanna tell you i wished it was me
when you said goodbye
i wished it was me
you were going home with
instead you only leaned in
and told me you wanna break my jaw
god i love you cause you have it all

and remember the night in the back of my car
we were drunk
but i told you i know what we are
and that we cant
always having some lame reason
to hold us back

but why really couldn't i just be with you
i lied so much to refrain us two
and i dont know if this is allowed
i feel so awful saying this now
but i love you too

more than i ever realized
never noticed the depth before
when i looked into your eyes
or maybe i held myself back
had to question if you really felt that way
or if it was something you lack
cause it seemed honesty
only ever came out in your poetry
but i know you know me
more than ideally
but still so lovely
do you still love me?
or am i just dreaming?

love is easy if you dont try to please me

told you im sorry
tried to use you as a barrier
then turned around and buried more

i lied
youre right
but a week apart
means more when you realize theres still weeks apart

but you told me youd be alright
when youre not
leaned in and said you love me
cause you know how i feel about touching

he doesnt know how i feel about touching
or even the half of me
doesnt realize these things i cannot be
have to get drunk to be okay with anything

and you told me you understood
although i left you alone
its okay if i would

and you still tell me you love me every day
but time has a way of helping decay
and even more when youre hours away

so i broke my promise
as i said i would
because you said you didnt think i could
well i proved to you that i could

and in that process
i tore apart your safety net
wanted you to feel something
wanted you to regret

love you for the things you cannot be
like someone comforting
when im lonely

and i know the distance leaves you unkempt
god i know how much it hurts
cause it leaves me even more bent

every part of me misses you
and even more now that you know the truth

and yet still so naive that youd take me back
you said in a heartbeat
i could never lack

i wanna know what you see in me
but you said its something you cant explain
thought i was lovely before you knew my name

and i want you to know that i feel the same
god you are so beautiful
every angle of you
makes my heart feel full

sorry; i miss someone like you

im sorry if i come off
in a manner which makes you uneasy
you remind me of someone
ive been missing
and even more of what it felt like kissing

and this man sitting three seats away from me
reminds me of distance
him being three hundred miles away from me

what does it mean to love simply
i get the love part
but it couldnt be so easy
when the power our hearts have over our heads make us uneasy

told him i love him
though he could never believe me
when i told him "no"
because i was leaving
but he has to understand
the pressure it puts on my breathing

when im caught sitting alone at abar
writing about feelings
which construe the boundaries of us
everything i told him we are

i understated what he means to me
forced myself to write something down i didnt mean
cause i love to watch my hand bleed
help the pen in my hand burn me
because i love the way the words spite me
"hate how it feels when we're lying"
who could've known i was lying?

i told him it was timing
at several points where i bend
it makes sense
everything which holds me up
feels like its been lent
cause everything i used to be
screwed me in the end
....impaired me...
im spent

hold it against me, but i hate you for your honesty

against everything ive ever wanted
girl whose supposed to mean nothing
still leaves me haunted

god, you just cant comprehend
how broken you left me
cause i was always too shy
to tell you what you mean

though it counts for nothing
you mean everything

or should i say meant?
i know i mean it
but you leave my heart so spent

i told you every fucking day how much i love you
what you mean to me
not just that you were so goddamn pretty
but that night in your bed
when you opened up
and spilled your head
it was so goddamn perfect
i've loved you every day since

i miss you too much to admit the bend
i almost called
but you knew it all
too well
you watched me fall

you should have lied
i would have been alright with not knowing
but you hate to make me happy
and you hate to admit you want to be happy
so you screw the possibility
hope you miss me
cause youre the part of me thats missing

say i dont need a home as if its not all ive ever known

and you can say you miss me
but you cant tell me you miss me?
seems like something is missing
like every i love you you wished me

or maybe im forgetting
fell asleep during the ending

i want to hear you say it
whether or not its meant
i want to feel what i said i never would again

i thought i missed you
but everything you said
gave way to feelings of hatred
damned the possibility of us making it

as if you even cared
you always faked it
have to wonder if youre leaving again
cause you got what you wanted

broke a promise
then said you hated me for it
as if it was something i did
when you burned too many bridges for me to love again

Bitch

she said she'd be back
although reeking of cigarettes and alcohol
and not knowing what i lack,
said she loves me because i have it all

and i hate to take it back
but i used to love you with all i had
but you know what they say about what we have
most of the time, it becomes what we had

and though i miss
the juxtapose position
of your heart and your body
i know what i cant be

love you cause youre lovely
hate you cause you couldnt love me
fuck the presenting
like you could be mending

know those things happen slowly
but i wanted you to know me
forgot what close means
to you, its nothing

and i hate to say
i felt every piece breaking
hurt more than the making
knowing you couldnt save me

you said you could promise me
as if you know what a promise means
love you for your honesty
hate you cause you lied to me

hate how when its over
you become everything i need
and in that moment, i felt everything bending
i couldnt bleed

i couldnt breathe
cause honesty happened too unexpetedly

i would rather not know
i could be content
with not knowing how my hearts been spent
or better said, bent

i could be content
with the distance
you were always far enough away
to make me wanna stay

why did that have to change?
why couldnt we be okay with the way we lay?
although half-hearted and lonely
i thought i was the only

but there were little things aaron told me
that broke the most important things
like who i wanted you to be
but i guess thats what you get for expecting

i should have known better
you are who you said you would be
made you something in my mind
something too lovely

i remember getting drunk
and saying i love your silhouette
and i miss your bed
even if the reason i was there was in my head

and i love the places i was lead
when im nostalgic for the feelings bread
showed me love i hadnt known i wanted
so you could get what i didnt realize you wanted

i guess thats where ill find myself haunted
like a net ive been caught in

ariel

drunk girl writes about being in love and fucking up
she clutches ariel to her chest like a bible
singing "c'est la vie when God makes you pretty"
and she said she doesnt know what it means to take turns
when your curves will always mean more than your words

if shes sober, she makes herself lonely
i told her i love her
but she said she'll always be the only?
but i hate the way she told me
her heart too far off to realize how coldly

but i remember the bold me knowing
what a burden can be
when you can look but never see
though you say for you its easy

but is it?
drinking everything to feel anything
wonder what it took to bend
what it took to leave such a pretty girl unkempt
and who you'll be when i re-mend
because i believe i can

but thats not love is it?

trying to change will make a heart rearrange

use it for flowers

hate who i made myself out to be
a drunken, horny version
tangled in self-loathing
and cheers to false hoping

i am not like him
having to get drunk to feel the moment
only to be careless
i always wish that i could care less

and he caught me
getting a little too friendly for his liking
and i said sorry
but only to spite me

i remember everything
from the way her eyes were glistening
to the way her back felt against my teeth
but i recognize theres a difference in meaning

that thats just how she is
leaving me to want more of it
regardless of the fact that she'll feel boredom

and though ive never felt something like this
ive never been so sure of it
so alright with feeling my heart be bent
all the while knowing she could never hold it

and i find myself going back to the drawing board
knowing how i am when i am torn
crossing my fingers i'll change my mind
before i begin pressuring myself for more

who i want to be is a frightening thing
because i know the real me
something too callous for the making
exactly the product of what i should be for my raising

so heres enough to make you hate me
and ill force myself back into the box i made for me

written in "an atlas of the difficult world" by adrienne rich

maybe i let myself sink too far
changed my mind about finding the heart
shouldve known better than to try to restart

and you said you know better
well then, tell me who i am
and what i cant
when i know i can

and you said i made a promise
a drunken one, but i said id be honest
well, then
i thought we were beyond this

you said you have five minutes
relegating me to spill all my heart
knowing i wouldnt fit
i knew i wouldnt find my niche

say you dont understand
that the plan isnt in what i am
but in who i want to be
someone you couldnt see
because ive always been the worst of me...

but theres time for changing
isnt there?
i know theres still time
to argue time isnt fair

and theres days when the cross is too much to bear
cant find the light
shining behind angel hair

but i said its what i wanted
regardless of how unfair
would tell you im ready
but i know my voice would tear

other memories from disposable cameras

i dont know what this makes me
or if it even makes me into something i previously wasnt

but sometimes we wake up with scars we dont remember acquiring
trying to pick up the pieces
repeating and resenting the timing

when the word on my wrist is supposed to remind me
but who was i kidding?
lying about the way im lying

when i spend most of my days here defying
who i thought i was
or better said, defiling

and i dont know if i changed my mind because im leaving
or if i made my choice based on who ive been being

maybe a change in scenery
will mark a change in me

because this morning
i realized im getting too old for this shit
hating who i was
when i get drunk enough to bend

thinking i was too bold to be left cold
you said you appreciate the way i write
but does this change your mind?
reading about how i change my mind

i fucked up
you were too loud and too proud
you should have hung me up
when you left saying you would come back
glad i didnt want you back

i knew right after i had what i wanted
that every blurred memory of your body on my body would leave me haunted

and i want everyone to know i dont regret everything
at several points i made the right mistake:
forgetting my camera
realizing the things i thought were good stories in the beginning
years later would only remind me of how im glad i took advantage of a new beginning

though i fucking hated the ending
sitting there all doe eyed and gnawing on my bottom lip
listing all that i lack and the places i found bending
and when you think youve seen it all, it was just the tip

we didnt talk after that
both knowing if we had that night back
i wouldnt have displayed all that i lack

and i would have taken the stairs
although harder
i could have avoided the corner
every decision i made led me straight to the coroner

saw that you liked to smile, you know that it takes a while, takes a risk

you said you heard
some people
youre meant to fall in love with
but theres a difference
and i dont know if i was meant to fill in
the spaces
or if you wanted me to bend
or if you were hoping i would give in

but those people
youre not always supposed to be with
you just learn a lesson
regardless of how you feel during it
like the hurt isnt worth it
but we made our choices
like we make our beds
before sleeping in them

and sometimes you wonder what the point is
knowing there will only be heartbreak in the end
saying goodbye
when we only just started

and i'll say i hate it
the strings lead us in
too far, too late
but there was something made
something learned
something enough
to make it all okay

i know you feel youre lacking
like everything i promise
you know i want it to be true
but it has no backing
because sometimes
even when i want something to be true
when distance sucks
i dont have even the slightest clue

and things are new
enough to make a girl already confused
even more lost
im sorry
i want to give you my heart
i want to give you everything you deserve
because youre a beautiful girl

but right now i cant give you my all
always been in a rush to the start
and bringing me there
in three weeks
ill unknowingly be falling apart
enough as it is

and i love you for it

for being someone amazing to miss
when two girls shared drunken kisses
on the first night they ever spent
you mean more than i could ever explain
knowing ill only miss you more every day i'll spend away

head ache

tell me i look different to you
that time has a way of making us into people you dont want it to

and you could try to explain away the things i know you feel
i know what you want
and i know you dont want what you want to be real

but all this talking gives me a headache
trying to convince you that i believe you
but you know its not true

i just dont get why you would leave that part out
if you were ashamed
or just couldnt remember

because you cant prove skin on skin contact
i want my heart back

but even still
i understand mistakes
too much for my own good
too much for what i know i should

and maybe thats why you wanted to see me
calling me probably two too many times while i was sleeping

maybe he left you weeping
and i was too tired to realize
when its still too dark in my room at six a.m. to look into your eyes

but you made your way too my bed so surely
sneaking in my room hoping the pull of the sheets wouldnt stir me

and then you cuddled close
like it was something i didnt know
you never came back

after that cigarette break
it took you too long to get back

but i made the choice to leave the confrontation out

hate the way you try to hold me
reminds me too much of the bold me
not the one you left lonely

dont want to cover up

the thing about it is
i shouldnt have told
but i was feeling bold

and thought maybe if they know
then maybe i could let go...
but i only wanted to huddle back in my shell
and got reminded of the feelings from when i fell

immediately wishing i could find the scissors
that could free me from how my heart had withered

and i could only last a few minutes
putting myself back in my place
showing myself i could never finish it
i fucked myself in the end

and you have this way of making me feel sick
saying that i got it all twisted
that you hate who i have been
not realizing its who ive always been
but i would pretend

ive been cutting for weeks
replacing my knife with sleep
and loving who i was
every time i proved myself weak

and letting go of feeling low
because i knew it
just knew better than to let it show

but i dont want to cover up anymore
and i used to care
but now i dont want the cure

and right now youre going about the rest of the day
probably about to go to sleep feeling okay
and you may be slightly confused but burden-less
blaming my hurt on the obvious

not realizing it takes more than one to cause this
that lack of sympathy can cause more of this
and tomorrow it will be forgotten
dropped like the blood on my carpet

you said you wanted to see
so full of yourself, you didnt believe me
well, did you see what you wanted to see?
i know you didnt
but your eyes distort what makes my heart free

feels good to feel again

wanna see the reaction of my action
watching scars become my fashion
displaying all that i lack in
crimson red pulls me back in

and i found what works best
somewhere in the loneliness
and feeling less

i changed my clock to the best
wanted to record it
how much time it took
to feel golden

and i know i should regret it
but you should have expected

your words cut more than his absence
i would cut and then id try again
all the way up my forearm to the numbers
which used to represent my saviors from it

you knew what i meant
youd rather watch me cut again
than to admit it

and i tried to make them parallel
but somewhere i found the space between
and made a mark as to where i fell

i should have known i wouldnt miss the sting
that theres nothing positive to my heart it would bring
and life is about more than being
remembering how the cuts were so freeing

take advantage of me; love you for your honesty

i know one day ill care
but right now i dont
wanna feel something unfair
wanna pull apart the ropes

hate you for the way you changed your mind
i thought you didnt need my time
and all you wanted was my body
hoping your kisses would be sloppy

but now you want more from me?
saying you just want to sleep with me
and youll ask me what im dreaming
though it wont mean anything

we stayed until four a.m.
pushing our invitation
waiting in the backyard
wondering how far youll take it

but you just wanted to hold hands
saying you like me and that you love the timing
when i was just wondering if youd get the courage up
to fuck me

and do what you were planning
fuck your best friend over
because you knew he liked me
and you felt like lying

but i dont like the way we're lying
hating you for both your timing
and the fact that you actually like me
it makes your previous statements deceiving

but i guess i hate myself more for who im being
wishing i could get over
the fact that i hate myself
and you for wanting to get to know her

told you id let it go

right now im cursing myself
wondering what i was thinking
hating myself for who i was being

guess i led you on...
the way you talked
i thought it didnt matter
or that it mattered less to you than it did to me
that it didnt mean anything
but youre following me

youre not who i wanted you to be
i told you i was a bad person
so fuck me in spite of my honesty

you said you were different
that you knew your place
and i made a mistake
assuming you understood
exactly where we stood

and it wasnt holding hands
or looking into eachothers eyes
but i figured it out by the end of the night

maybe i took it too far
and let you sink too comfortably
in the seat beside me
when i was really trying to walk away
watching my attempt fail in the shallow day

and you didnt move your hand
not like i expected
when two turned into three
maybe it should have been me
and maybe i should learn to leave

so do you really know where two people have to stand?
when one will be across state lines
probably before its time
and its not alright
because you said you didnt mind
when i lied

i dont want this

its exactly what i tried to avoid with him
not knowing another cigarette would leave me out on a limb
your mouth tasted like coffee
and i liked it in the most poetic sense
always wanted it
but never realized kisses cause wishes
tumbling like promises
after i break them

kiss me like you wanna be loved.

i dont know what you want
i mean
you told me what you want
but i dont think thats it
is it?

maybe we lied more to ourselves
than we did him
you thought this was so easy
didnt realize your heart could be spent

i know youre putting yourself out there
the lines which should bind you
can be found behind you

and i dont get it
how you could be so content
watching yourself be discarded
after being bent

and it makes no sense
after what you had heard of it
and you complain ive never said what i meant
imagining some fantasy of being in love again

but am i really what you wanted?
i know youre putting shit out on the line
and youre still unsure as to whether or not things will be fine

i just dont want you to end up feeling haunted
when realization sets in that im not what you thought i was
and even worse when i realize im not who i thought i was

and youre not who i thought you were
finding something in me
i had no clue was pure
and you really want more

than a girl in your bed
realizing now who i am in your head

in spite of

i know youll hate me
but my lips are burning

and i could explain away
saying you never cared to clarify
until after you watched me rip apart your safety net
i asked what you wanted from me
you said you have what you need
and that it didnt matter as long as i was happy

but are you happy?
are you content with the way your hearts been spent?
i gave it away
and let me clarify, that i told you i wanted to stay
but only as long as you needed me, or wanted me
and you failed to tell me you would care when i leave

so forgive me
...or not
because we were both at fault
i guess i knew the truth,
and that i antagonized the collapse of my heart, i suppose
but theres something to be said about honesty
whether or not i knew without you telling me
you should have expected
and you should have held me down and told me you want me
that this wasnt just for my body
which i never failed to sacrifice for your using

and i would cry
but i know i would be crying for the old you
one that was more bold and less cold
i should have went home

its not a question anymore to be asked
he did a poor job at explaining it away
but i still let him stay
and told him id let him have me anyway

i disregarded your face
you said you wanted to kiss me
but the point was empty
so im glad you didnt tell me goodbye in our special way
the way in which you hold my face
and tell me you had a good time today

i couldnt have dealt
the way you can make my heart melt...
i know im probably self destructing
that i take advantage of the things you tell me
but you said if it made me happy...
the only thing that could break me
is staying

id rather let him have his way with me
and break all the careless things
so i could lighten what ill have to carry
in two months when youll say goodbye to me
and hate me for my belated honesty
could say i loved you madly
but you know you could never have me

but theres nothing to fight for...

and you were right
that im incapable of surpassing the most important things
have to give it all up in front of angel wings

and maybe you dont know what to think
lost myself too carelessly
couldnt manage to find the hope in your "honesty"

and i know this is what i want
just cant find the words to tell you
as i digress from telling the truth

i make a fool of myself
somehow cant bury my hell
wanna tell you about everything ive felt

but i know im getting ahead of myself...
cant spill my honesty
because im leaving

and i guess thats where my body comes in
have to keep myself from losing it
and from falling in

but i dont know how to manage
when green eyes make my heart melt
and i dont know how to find help

when all my promises show my shortcomings
cause i cant admit that im still learning
or dont want to admit that my time here is burning...

and theres things that i cant regret
like spending all of yesterday in your bed
and you said you couldnt get it out of your head

cant wait to see you
and hope its soon
but i know theres things we need to talk about

words ill need to spill that will tear apart my safety net
because im incapable of being just content
have to know the plan of action before i can give in

and you said we were opposites
but i was hoping we could live with it
and surpass the months and miles apart ill be living in

cause i feel something i never thought i could
and you did it.

"I know I mean what I say."

my heart says things my mouth refuses to eject
and should i spill everything i feel
im afraid i'll be left with regret

i wanted to say that i love her
that her openness has opened me
and shes opened my eyes to things id never seen

and i have never dodged the windows like i do now
wanting to say everything i feel
but knowing better than to let it out

and that night in the car
i said more than i should have
and yet still wanting to say more when i could have

i know your ears are safe
that every word spilled are kept in a safe
and i like you that way

never have i ever...
wanted to embark on such an endeavor...
when blue eyes make my heart melt

and you never fail to make me laugh
regretting the nights i have to take you back
before exposing everything i feel that i lack

and though theres a difference
in juxtapose position
i want you to know you leave my heart unkempt

that every moment spent
has left an impact
and i would never take it back

that i love you against everything saying i cant
or that i shouldnt
have to tell you what i previously couldnt

love your arms
and the way they could hold me
if only i had let thee

or if only i had met me
before i told myself the decision is easy
because i am leaving

but my heart is fleeting
and making me lose my feeting
ive never felt so needing

thanks for loving me

maybe im not what you wanted me to be
couldnt find the heart to tell you differently
i know i pushed you against a wall
tried to explain myself but felt empty

and theres things i wish id said
like that im sorry and that i like you
but timing was off and now i feel dead

and theres things i cant be
but i can promise you the worst of me

i know im incapable of loving
you dont need to tell me
or plead that i wont feel hurt
ive never felt more

or maybe i just missed my mark
came in on the wrong side
led with my body
and missed out on the talking

but i liked the way you looked at me
fighting the sleep in your eyes
to show me theres something
that came out of nothing

it felt like putting my head in your lap...
and wanting that night back
where i could spill honesty
without hating myself for what couldnt be

and i want you to know that i said no
that i told him it was time to go home
not for you
but because of

irregardless of the end
you still leave my heart unkempt

Apparently I write in order to portray some facade of emotion I actually lack

and maybe im incapable of getting what i said back
but you said its alright
that im not stupid
just said the right thing at the wrong time

and i dont know what made me think it was alright
if i felt something in saying goodbye
or if the alcohol made my head swell
so much that my heart fell

and i made a poor decision
in telling you that i feel something
but at least i was honest
and so were you, when you said we were beyond this

and that youre sorry, but im not it
that you didnt know what to say
to make it feel okay
that you dont feel the same

but i want you to know its okay
that i get it
that i missed where i fit
because im incapable of letting anyone in

and im surprised those words made it past my tongue
that i let myself do this
let it surpass the drumming of my fingertips
then told you it was something that i missed

and even though i told the truth
i held so much back
told you i wanted to be friends too
because of the courage i fucking lack

makes you taller, then shrinks you, then splits you in half

i dont know why im still trying
hoping youll open up
and realize you were lying

to me and to yourself
realize you put the wrong person up
wondering if i can be found on the shelf

or maybe im used up
another comrade discarded
made myself too open
for someone whose so guarded

and i know what you want
although you havent told me
youve made it evident
to everywhere else your hearts been lent

but maybe im finding your side again
finally exposing who i really am
and i told you i understood
but thats not me

maybe i broke your heart again...
and maybe i get what you feel
like i showed you my heart
only so i could take it away
cause i just wanted you to know that its real

and though those weren't my intentions
i know youll doubt the truth
that im just a girl
with just some twisted way to get back at you

and though i havent exactly invited you into my heart
ive done more than i ever do
and ive tried harder
only for it to hit harder

and i hate that i want you
but i recognize you dont get a monopoly on people
and every promise made
was a lie under the steeple

and i could write the sweetest song, but its time to go home

said i wanted honesty, but i lied.

maybe i just wasnt enough
as i had originally assumed
its so much more beautiful
than when i make myself the fool

and i guess i damned myself
fucking myself into a wall
into making myself
feel like nothing at all

and it got to a point
where everyone was so dead they hated themselves
and they just wanted to go back to sleep
convincing themselves another week and they wont feel so weak

so we sat around a table
passing cigarette after cigarette
trying to convince ourselves that last night was alright
that we didnt forget ourselves
and the memories we have can be put on the shelf

but i hate what i made myself believe
that i could be something
anything at all, that is lovely

and you said you wanted to spend the day away
that everything is really alright
you just need a couple of hours to feel okay

and you tell me its too late
that you found your way to the bank
and found the bottle
so i had to wait

and she said she fucked up
she didnt feel angry
but felt the rage
when she threw the cup to feel okay

and we all laughed
but knew what it meant
the words shed left in my journal
to tell me shes spent

and everything i remember
shot my inhibitions to hell
when you had to ask someone to tell me its over
that it didnt mean anything once you got to know her

did i scare you?
i know i spilled too much
that i misplaced my heart
once i felt your touch

and i want your honesty
so i can know how to feel
i hate wondering who i am
and if my recollections are real

go to bed before we say something real

and i dont know what you want from me
trying to detach the feeling from things
but you keep asking what led me here-
to finding who i am and being so crystal clear

and you say you wish you had met me
somewhere between the innocence and watching myself bleed
trying to find out what led me to these doors
how you could open them up and find me on bathroom floors

and you wondered how i could take it anymore
how there could be anything left after all that was tore-

im sorry i tried to make this into something i know i shouldnt
that after everything i said, i did something i said i wouldnt
and that im apparently incapable of keeping my heart inside my stomach
have to say everything i think instead of run from it

and my willingness to open up overshadows what im used to
i should have shut up like im used to

for a second i tried to explain away what i said
and tried to place the blame on the warmth of the sheets on your bed
then still put myself back in my place
when i had to disguise the hurt i felt when i saw all the names

but i guess theres arms we feel comfortable in
and it sucks but theyre not your decision
and fate never asks for your opinion
then shoves it in your face when you lose again

pick you up and turn you upside down

wanna know who broke your heart.

wanted to cry for absolutely no reason. hated myself for everything i was and never could be.

but i guess i took for-granted what you said i should be. that it meant everything for you to say you love me. but now my heart is breaking. and theres nothing to do, because everything is changing.

and i thought that was what you wanted. that you wanted me to lie, to tell you that i lied and that everything i told you about what i feel inside was everything but the truth. that i dont feel the same, and that my heart refrains.

and i wish i never asked you for the truth. that i didnt pressure you into telling me your deepest secret. that it wont feel alright when i leave, and there would only be more emptiness than i should leave you with. that youll miss me more, and that youll remember how your heart was tore.

and you broke apart your sentences, keeping words to a minimum. knowing you dont want to say too much, because you dont want to watch it all fall apart in front of you. and spilling your guts feels like hell, unlike what it should. and i remember the way it felt to hear you say i was beautiful. how my heart dropped, because i had to say no and that it was time to pack up and go home.

but it still doesnt change how we feel and it hurts so much, it has to be real. and time puts a strain on what will remain after tonight. i took too long to say anything back. to reply to the most heart wrenching apology ive every heard. "im sorry i love you."

because honesty is a burden. i had to say something knowing it would hurt us. but the truth is i feel the same, but cant tell you the truth because i know what it would do to you. that saying i love you is ironically the worst thing i could ever do. and saying i want to try would foreshadow the cutting of strings. and watching everything break and burn as they fall to pieces.

theres already a hole in every day i saw you, where i watched everything i feel fall in and drown. and the strings repeat, promising everything will be fine, that we can get passed the past, but they all lie, saying its not like the last time while displaying the same signs.

i dont want to lose you. at this point, id rather lose myself than have you regret what we told each other. even in this awkward eery silence across the table, i know i miss you. that i want it all back, that i want you all the way back.

contorted to fit

maybe i forced myself in
thought i could find comfort with all the boxes
didnt realize id be sleeping with foxes...

and theres things we should take back
like saying i love you
instead of the facts

and im sorry for not being honest
that i made you believe that we were beyond this
when i dont really know where we fit

and i can feel it in the pit of my stomach
hating myself for everything i did
and everything i promised

which fell through like wishes
and everything i forgot to mention
like i dont know where we end

if i want to jump off the cliff
or finally let myself win
by letting all of this go and letting you in

i hate everything i cant forget
like the things i said when we first met
the things which tore apart your safety net

and i hate everything i did
saying i changed when i really didnt
and the whole of what was bent

found my heart is spent
and i let in
more than what was lent

hate you for it
for all the walls i broke down
when you came around

and how im feeling now
like it was never worth it
trying to force myself where i would never fit

kept a secret that tore out your heart

you said you loved my poetry
that it made you feel something
you didnt know could be

and you used to watch your heart bleed
watch it fall out of everything
and right back into the sea

im sorry for the things i made you believe
that my heart could surpass those boundaries
which relegated us to a set destiny

but love is not what you think it means
it is hard pressed and found in between
not all twinkling lights and golden rings

and i thought about the stars that night
the lacking in the sky and how i missed the bright
but i guess things arent always in plain sight

all the rain makes me want to close my eyes
it makes me hate something
i cant see even in the light

because brown eyes are battlefields
they stop time
while blue eyes watch yours lie

and see how every word realines
ill be watching him light cigarette after cigarette
and follow every inhale with a regret

saying he recognizes they all repeat
that they piled up
so they could pull him to his knees

and he said theres things we cant make sense of
that he didnt know what was enough
but disregarded me when i said love

and maybe its not the same
but we get the point
and it hasnt been that long
but only because we knew it was wrong

and we keep asking what its going to take
keep catching you in lies
saying bullshit we all know is fake

and i dont know where ill find you today
if youll come back and say youve changed
or if ill find you by another lake

and i know i said i was okay
but i have to wonder if im really not
if everything youve ever done is what has my heart in knots

and i know i said i dont trust you
but youve always known how to make my heart rot
and ill spare you the lie of one more time

im really alright

thought this wouldnt hurt a lot, i guess not

still dont get how this was my fault
that against every fall
you find i lack the heart
to give a chance to someone
who just said restart

and maybe you saw something that i didnt
that after everything i said,
the past still leaves me unkempt
and my heart is bent
regardless of what he meant
its about what he did

and maybe i put my walls up too soon
but after holding on
for so long
can you blame me at all?

apparently so
but it wont change what you are to me
trying to protect you from what ive seen
and keeping your heart from being thrown to sea

still dont see what theres left to believe
that theres any reason for even a fence to be
and i tried to do what was asked of me
but everything which was needed to be said
has been said since i was thirteen

still just a baby
realized he was drunk when hed hold me
and how much i resent the things he told me
like that this was better than knowing

all i ever wanted for you was honesty
that you could be prepared for the inevitable breaking
the shattering of every maybe
what it would really mean
"not this week"

or any other, for that matter

i know you dont remember
the memories which plague us
you dont get why theyre still tender
or why, in the dark
theyre everything dismembered

but the past lasts
and it may not hurt now
but youll get it back
just want to shelter you from what i had

dont make this easy, i want you to mean it

i dont know
maybe i lied.
assumed feeling something
was better than feeling alright

i remember now things i forgot to mention
thought they could make a difference
so unable to spill my heart that moment
in the intervention

small points were made
where i couldnt make any sense of even my own sentences
and i was fighting the bliss
in proving you caused everything ive found bent

realize now why i was crying
and it wasnt because i was hurt-
you did what i expected-
it was all for her

i thought i just couldnt remember
that past had passed
but something in that day brought me back
displayed all i thought i lack

and finding you in that car
made me hate myself
for everything i couldnt say
and all the stars

wondering if i took it too far
and if i could raise the bar
if i found a way to make it feel alright
that i would be alright

and you would call me next time
because we could find each other on the same lines
but strings broke
and i watched how easy it was for a father to cut the rope

and i meant what i said
that i can fall asleep in my bed
it just takes a little time
trying to find the feeling in my head

cause my heart has fled
every fucking time i get close enough
to knowing, against everything youve shown,
that i am enough

and your voice cracks like a piano

so what happens now?
now that ive pushed
and the strings broke

was it really not supposed to mean anything
or did we just make a mistake?
poorly assume something was made
from the friction i create

i know there were signs i mistook
i guess i liked the idea of everything i lack
thought i could get it back

but the the thing is
what we had is in past tense for a reason
and i spent too much time idealizing what i had been

got caught in all of the demons
and what i thought i could conquer
when i couldnt even face them

hate who i have been...
trying too hard for someone
who would never love me
and trying to be something
i never could be

and thats sickening
the box i tried to fit in
tried to cram myself into something so limiting

hate what i was thinking
and who i was being
had my heart fleeing
from one scene of mystery to one of misery

i think the strings broke
not just that of my connection
but those inside of me

hate what is likely
memories of leaving shyly
and not following blindly
what happened to back bones?
listening and paying attention to tones
knowing who would leave me alone
and how to get home

what happened to that?
wanna get it back

the strings broke
not soon enough
i know i had enough
that i was left rough
with nothing left to love

but i should have called your bluff
smirking like youre so tough

the friction wasnt me
stupid enough to show you the worst of me
and how to make me bleed
how to leave my heart at sea
watching it swallow the whole of me

hope you know that i can be what i really need
took some time but i realized what i need
and in every part of me that used to bleed
i planted a seed

you can sin or spend the night all alone

i know i dont know you....
maybe thats what i regret
or maybe that it wasnt me...

still dont know what to do
thought i was missing you
realized i cant find the heart to

and i know that i can not say it with deafening certainty
that timing was off
so i just got lost

but theres nights we spend bent
remembering days we want to forget
trying to find ways to start over again

not realizing it cant happen
and theres things that hurt
cause our hearts to curve

and turn towards the things we lack
wish i could get back now what i had
what i took for-granted

what keeps me awake in my bed
and locks me away in my head
trying to swallow words that bled

hate everything i ever said
wish that i could take it back
wish it could make you forget

and im sorry about the day we met
finally found where i caught myself in a stupid net
the product of my stupid slip

the words that hit
and im sorry that it meant more to me
that you still cant see what i see

but you can know im trying
it hurts
but i couldnt be lying.

and i know what you mean
sorry that earlier i refused to agree
theres promises we make we dont want to keep

like laying down to catch some sleep
in a bed of hate
and lies and greed

want you to know that its okay
that i understand
that there are things i cant demand

and i lied about what i can
when grievences toor apart the best of me
and dragged the rest out to sea

that in the end
i still mean everything i said
im here when you need a bed

and can hear you out
when you cant find your head
the places we were lead

found a way to forget
well, to forgive
guess you win.