cause i have been left alone

ask me what im into
because you dont know what you got yourself in to
and you say its not my turn to speak
some different things
after gin, i heard in jen "fuck" in the background
while we were fucking in the background

youre not who i thought you would be
and not that thats a bad thing
far more sweet
than i was expecting
but i dont know if its my fault
or if i should have seen it in the stars
after i told you
about the only constellation i knew
the one which was exaulted
because thirteen is unlucky
and any more reasoning is unlikely

and i thought it meant something as we spoke
two weeks of feeling less alone
feelings bred
yet which still lack back bone
squirming because i dont want you to hurt me
though i know i'll only ever blame me
you were right
its not my turn to speak
thoughts too clouded to say what i mean
i know who i am
even though its sickening

im not ahead of myself.
i want that known
i just broke
and im confused
have the sick interest in being abused
because its comfortable
i hate the idea of feeling more
like cuddling
i hate the holding
like possibly meaning something

but let me know where i stand
if there is interest
or beds are quick sand
quick enough to forget who i am
in a bed i dont yet understand
and probably never will
wondering now if just you had time to kill