use it for flowers

hate who i made myself out to be
a drunken, horny version
tangled in self-loathing
and cheers to false hoping

i am not like him
having to get drunk to feel the moment
only to be careless
i always wish that i could care less

and he caught me
getting a little too friendly for his liking
and i said sorry
but only to spite me

i remember everything
from the way her eyes were glistening
to the way her back felt against my teeth
but i recognize theres a difference in meaning

that thats just how she is
leaving me to want more of it
regardless of the fact that she'll feel boredom

and though ive never felt something like this
ive never been so sure of it
so alright with feeling my heart be bent
all the while knowing she could never hold it

and i find myself going back to the drawing board
knowing how i am when i am torn
crossing my fingers i'll change my mind
before i begin pressuring myself for more

who i want to be is a frightening thing
because i know the real me
something too callous for the making
exactly the product of what i should be for my raising

so heres enough to make you hate me
and ill force myself back into the box i made for me