thats not perfection, thats desperation

and it sucks
but the fact of the matter is
we think the way we hurt ourselves is so different
but its all the same.

our hearts heal like our wrists
taking too god damn long
and show exactly what went wrong
in our fucked up songs

then we follow
our family tree
addiction to loving things and people
who fuck us over runs in the genes

and it annoys me
my attachment to people who it hurts to be
the desire to feel something
clouding my judgement

i fall in love too easily
so i have to hold myself back
from feeling something totally normal
to keep myself from getting hurt

bedroom talk

Have you ever wondered if this is enough?

You mean us?

No. I mean all of this. All of what we're doing, what we're seeing, who we're being. You know, is it enough?When we meet whoever where ever the imperial kingdom is, will they look at our resume and allow us to go through or will they tilt their head with this sad, confused expression on their faces wondering what we did with all our years? Is this enough to get us a pass through or will we be turned away?

I don't know. Is it enough for you? Do you expect to continue on in this purgatory state of 16? Or do you believe you will do something great? You know we're not stuck in limbo, right? We can do whatever the hell we want.

I'd like to. I don't think I can.

Wait, what do you believe is great? Greatness is not impossible to achieve. Its not relegated to winning a Nobel Peace Prize or curing cancer, you know. Greatness is in the heart and its the little things you do which touches the heart. Like every time you tell someone you love them, you touch their heart. And that's enough, isn't it? Its enough for them, for me, and for the majesty of the imperial kingdom. Is it not enough for you? You're enough for me.

I don't if that's enough though. I mean its nice to think about, but how can it be so simple? How can what I feel mean so much? I've gone through life believing it meant nothing and that I was nothing. Now you're telling me I'm something? Isn't it a little late?

Well, how much longer are you planning on living? I don't think it'll ever be too late to be told you're meant something. I mean, look at Pablo Picasso, hes a genius; and it sucks that no one realized that while he was alive, but they have now. And that's okay. A lot of stuff sucks, but at some point the stuff starts sucking less and then its all okay. You always do this, so stuck in the future.

Yeah, its okay now, but I'm going to remember yesterday when it wasn't. And that hurts. So what am I supposed to do about that?

Let it go.

now you feel just like a ghost

pulling at strings

to find use in the things

i used to die for

it used to hurt more

the lacking

in your words that had no backing

and my words which never meant a thing

but shadows hide desperate things

when we take off our engagement rings

and sleep where we're not meant to be

it all used to matter

back before these hearts were shattered

but i used to miss it

wonder where we couldve been

if we had never ended it

but today i was only pissed

thinking about everything you did

and all i gave in

for someone who never meant it

when he said he loved me

only to say it to his ex again

yeah, i say fuck it

like you fucked my innocence

then claimed i lied about my virginity

and my being faithful

when i was the only one of us

but i was a fool

not eating hardly anything
to achieve your disgusting perception
of beautiful

the things we remember and the things that dont hurt anymore

where did you go?
i didnt know you were something to miss
but i still feel like i lose

its been hours
but then its been days
trying to get to the point of replace

trying to get to where i can erase

and its weird
so different from where i thought id be
anchoring myself at sea

never thought you could make me fall apart
i miss all of this
though i dont remember most

i remember the important parts

like peppermints sticks
and short visits
wishing i could stay

but lives are like stars
the decay
and my heart breaks away

every time i hear someone say

she doesnt really care
because she wasnt here today.

all that i am made of

fuck coloring inside the lines
ive seen beauty that intertwines.

and i hate the way we hide
behind sleazy doors and closed hotel blinds
and the way we fake like we dont care
when you know for damn sure i do.

but i like the way my hands still shake around you
like im cold, but you dont know
then the butterflies erupt
when you speak and my thoughts corrupt

yeah, i understand
but for once i wish i didnt
and i wish i didnt care
but this just isnt fair

waiting on texts
that show me you care
just so you can be distant
when youre right there

but this is what i get for damning myself
to love someone before i love myself
but the idea was just so great
and the feeling of my heart rate

but now youre turning into someone i hate
leading me on to break my heart
telling me you like me
then watching me fall apart

its been a while, but i still feel the same

You can be detached so long that when things start falling apart, all of the real love you feel, starts finally falling together.
And that's why I cant sleep tonight. I'm not crying because you're alone. I'm crying because you're not anymore.
But that's the point, right? To find your bliss and to be happy again when the only thing you've wanted for years was to be with her.
Well, there you go. And although it sucks for me and for all those people who love you, its really great you are where you want to be.
I just wish I got the chance to say what I meant to since the beginning and that is that I'm sorry.
I recognize I have a habit of falling through the spaces between, the distance in miles, and the reception of the calls I could've made, but never did due to the fact that I had the incredibly ridiculous idea that I lacked the ability to procrastinate was only a mere deception.
Also I have recently realized I punished you a little bit for things which neither of us could have ever controlled and that we have both died loving someone who cant control himself yet we never regretted it.
I guess that was a defect in our hearts which we shared.
Again, though, the distance steals memories and it hurts. But I'm not sure what hurts more, wondering if my heart is in the right place or if its the way I curse myself for not telling you everything I needed to say when you could still hear it.
I've been meaning to call you for a couple of months. I know I never got to it and I hate myself for it. But I wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and her, and that for the first time since her death, I cried over her. Over the amazing memories I have with her. Over how much I've missed being able to rely on her when your son wasn't around.
Then I thought about you. Always in the background, but always around. The smell of your coffee at the breakfast table and the way the paper covered your face. And the way you kept my poetry though I was just a baby finding her way. Still writing about love, not realizing the way things fade.
I guess I just really want you to know, that I lied before. When angels forget how to fly, when its twenty below zero on the fourth of July, when violets are red, and roses are blue, I will never stop loving you.

the things we get caught up in (and the things we lack)

i remember when words meant something
not when we held on for fear of letting go
but because we wanted to
when we said what we meant
because honesty never led to secrets or regrets

but now we're talking shit
smiling at faces
only to turn around and stab them in the back
im not really sure what it is
the desire to fit in where we're not wanted

and i can say it makes me sick
but we all know what the truth is
i make promises more than anyone else
only to fuck them
and ill steal your heart and run away with it
telling you i love you as i take it

ask me where ive been
and how i feel about that
as i pour out all the heart that i lack
because honesty is a burden
the only thing we could handle
and make god damn sure you hurt us

im not sorry
i love you less
when we used to get twisted up in beautiful arguments
and i cant wait to have you over for christmas
because i cant wait to show you i meant it
i never want to see your face again

fuck this hell; you make my heart swell

its cold in hell
as they gather around in circles
with stories to tell
huddled around a fire pit of bodies

talking about how they were nobody
but it doesnt mean a thing
when they cry over tan lines
replacing diamond rings

but the worst part
is on sundays
pulling out of the ground
to continue their old ways

devil said "now that youre here,
theres no time for change
you wasted it all
as you wasted away"

four stanzas dont show you how i feel
locked up in this hell
as if it were real
but then i pull me back

and theres nothing to tell
thats where the pain swells
when there are no words
to explain how we felt

damned to hell
because i could do nothing well

i chose to feel it and you couldnt choose

i dont see the difference
but my heart sure does
i keep changing my mind
so often, i lose who i was

i cant shake the feeling, though
that it will all be fine
that the words i lack now
will all find their rhyme

i keep writing
hoping it will mean something
that when i smile again
i will still be breathing

right now
it doesnt seem like thats the case
headlights blinding me
slowing down the pace

cause we're living the dream

but i still have my doubts
swirling and spinning in my head
causing a tornado with my thoughts

i dont know what you want from me
after clipping a baby's angel wings
claiming that i couldnt sing

and what i say doesnt mean a thing
i cant believe how long it took me
to realize youre a liar

through your words which sting
and that its really not me
whose lacking

but rather, the one who suffocates me
and my dreams
and the idea of beauty

like ocean waves
ill find my way
no matter what you say

ill bet my ignorance is bliss

the paintings on the walls lie
depicting happiness
as if i could have made them

the colors flowing into the night sky
fuck van gogh
and fuck wanting to go

now that this is real
im scared of what i think
so scared of what happens when i blink

is it all moving too fast?
holding still
trying to remain steadfast

but does that really change what i feel?
breaking down
making my heart ill

given the chance
i dont know what decision ill make
when i fall through

or draw blanks
wondering what heartbreak i will make
and i dont know what ill say

when it comes time
to turn myself in
or just stay

give up
and pass away

the beauty in believing what you want

what is this madness
affectionately referred to as happiness

but i leave lines empty
to lie between
though i fucking hate the space between

my heart and my head
they never make sense
when i fall through my only defense

the thing about this is
you can fall in love again
while i believe in
it still hurts, even when you win

but thats assuming
we can end
hoping we can pick up
where my heart bends

while i hope you meant it
i can tell youre not in it
and we can fall apart
ill break the pieces myself

and pretend as if
they only fell from the shelf
i want to mention again
i hate those hours in between

when theres too much time to stay awake
but theres not enough to sleep
so i sit in my bed
counting the days i dont eat

tallying
like cuts on my wrists
but admiring the spaces in between

victory for those who leave

cant get out of bed
moving back and forth inside my head

and i keep erasing my thoughts
wondering when ill get where i want
or why i am alone
breaking every single bone

trying to get to my heart
where the fracture began
where i call the start
and its a line

but it blurs
somewhere between
"i love you's"
and the curves

of bodies intertwined
the idea of you and mine
trying to get back to that feeling
of loving and losing and longing

the feelings that are haunting
what keeps me up until 4am
open and broken
and lying

yeah, i lied
but you said id be alright.
and im not
so how is everything fine?

telling you i love you in the best way that i can

stars on the mountain tops
stars in your eyes
i cant tell you i love you
as i struggle with goodbye

i know what you want
i cant get it out of my head
and i hate so fucking much
replaying what you just said

and im not sorry
i dont agree
saying that you love me
but goodbye is the best thing

fuck that
i know what you mean
you dont love me
because i cant give you everything

and i dont where to start
giving everything i have
just to fall apart

when walls we build up
burden us and hurt us
where does that leave me?
back at the beginning?

of falling in love
and fucking up
when i love you so much
but youre out of touch

bloo

your unsuccessful attempt to rope me back in was just that, a tragic failure to make me feel something you had- loss.
somehow, i dont feel much these days. ive returned back to my old days of compromise with my sullen loneliness. i hardly ever cry. i sleep alone. im okay. so while you reach realizations and come to conclusions that we both messed up and you would rather have some of me than none at all, just don't try to drag me in. it wont work. ive made up my mind.
have you already forgotten? i tried to reconcile the pain. i apologized over and over again, but you were too blind to realize that was all i could do. there was nothing else i could give you. i was never any less than honest with you. i gave you what i could and all you gave in return at the end was bitterness over something i could not control- my heart.
i cried for days. wondering if my decision was the right one. i recognized it was snap and i used a stupid disagreement as the catalyst to heartbreaking emptiness, but i never changed my mind. telling you i loved you was the worst decision i have ever made. im going to be honest. i never felt that way. and all those kisses were a mistake.
but even now, ive given you the chance i don't believe you deserve. something in which i have already realized will break me. i hate me more than you. but i guess you changed your mind- what you hold against me...

someone who understands you more than i do

i have everything i need to say
its all lined up in my head
and i cant keep it away
holding it in my bed

i know ive formed a habit
of loving things and people i dont understand
finding beauty in the fact that
i dont know where i stand

and i can forget
thats the idea, isnt it?
and i can regret it
yeah, just give me a little bit

tell me youll see me after christmas
something to look forward to
in a future
where i get over this

where i dont hate myself
for falling in love again
fuck this shit
i dont even remember what he did.

i knew i would forget

when you think about things
turning over in your head
and i suffer over things
i know that i lack

theres no way to be honest
is there?
when everything we say to ourselves
is a faulty promise

saying we're beyond this
when did i become unplugged?
i dont want to talk about it
cause i say we're fucked

and i knew i would forget
miss out on my last chance
to tell you merry christmas
and i miss this

but angels never grant wishes
stealing hearts
because they belong to them
because theyre all bitches

im sorry about the phone call
i never made
always found myself busy
always made it delayed

not realizing i wouldnt get another day
i miss the way
we shared peppermint sticks
and light hugs followed by best of wishes

and im sorry
i havent cried yet
ive tried
but it doesnt feel right yet

coffee and rain

i dont know what you want from me
hiding out
cutting my own wrists for me

and i know youre miles away by now
you always leave
so just in case you change your mind
dont do it for me

they keep saying they want to make plans
with you and for you
pulling strings for more of you

not realizing what they have
is all theyll get
its heartbreak
and its madness

the kind of brokenness
a child should never
grow up in

though you caused this
i want nothing from you
before you break it
im tired of you faking it

and say you want to stay
though it hurts like hell
you know youll be okay

and everything going to be alright
right?
we'll make it through today
and every other night

yeah, that was your first lie.

goodbye.

the more i think about it
the more im pissed
im not stupid
and im not ignorant

while you lied about coming sober
youre a catalyst
going back to months ago
where i said fuck it

i want to say it again
in case you dont remember it
i fucking hate what you did
and how you act like a kid

throwing fits
because i dont feel the same way?
realizing everything you touch
turns to decay

yet your the one thats okay?

relapse

cant get passed my past
forgot what things we mask

when i cant even cry here
it doesnt feel safe
cant get past this fear
that i cant keep myself safe

this music reminds me of everything i hate
the fact that i agree with everything they say
and i know im not okay
theres no doubt about that

but the question is to stay?
the fact that the answer isnt obvious
leaves my heart delayed

and they thought i was lying
could i prove otherwise by dying?

would that make a difference
or is everything still okay?

I'll show you what I mean. Family doesnt mean a thing

cant spill a word in my head
without pissing you off instead

just listen to me
watch me show you
everythings only surface pretty

and i fucking hate these things
which break you down
and make you bleed

but even worse,
i hate you for me

the way you think
everything means nothing to me

we're only surface pretty
we're only skin deep

but i cant tell you the truth
assuming i blame the worst on you
and i know its nothing you can control
doing everything in your power to be the one to hold

while you keep me on hold
only being able to beat around the bush
not fall through

the words only fall through
what i can really tell you

im stressed as hell
trying to get out of this hell
shallow breath keeping my finger tips
from skimming the surface

but its isnt worth this
you asked me why i want to leave
wondering what really got the best of me

believing you could anchor
when youre really pushing me out to sea.

hope it hurts

cause you love me more

i keep holding down strings
only to forget what they mean
and struggling to remember
last december

i wont miss the winter

when everything dies
reiterating how fast this time flies
and all the stupid goodbyes
that wont mean anything tonight

really,

im ready to cut the strings
forget about all the old things
six years dont mean a thing
when we cut fingers with golden rings

and im so ready

to get this over with
fuck the puzzle;
nothing fits
and im so over it

she keeps saying

"this is home"
but to who?
i left it spotless
like brand new

maybe to you

and i want it to be too
but i just cant give this
crimson stained nightmare
anything to miss

we like wars

we like stars
in our hearts
we're made of

we made it up
those comets
never calmed us

and that which was hard for us
hardened us
we hated us

hated what became of this
watched those shooting stars
and made a wish

i wanna get over it
forget what we did
i want to end this sentence

the past we sit in
get over it
and end it

i dropped all the stars from my arms
realizing why i hated them
the gold like your eyes

reminding me of every night
i spent alright
then came morning light

and i fucking hate that.
flashbacks
bringing my heart back

but you dont remember that
only what i lack
and i cant change the fact

that i cant say it back
i think i love you
but i cant be sure of that

over again

out of breath
still waiting for you to get the words that ive said
and they say theyve never seen you like this
so tired of losing that you're on your knees

but why does that bother me?
more than this illness thats plaguing me
more than the girl who built up walls for you to stand against
only to fall through on her defense

where are you?
when i only stand up to sit back down
always feeling ahead, yet keeping my mouth shut
he agreed; im smarter than i think

then you stole my brother
fucked over my sister
only to try to make a lover of my mother
still stuck on repeating my words as if this is the first

how many goodbyes does it take to get it right?
its ironic that without a father, ive made it alright

wanna train you... like machines do...

i guess things are getting to me
reminding myself that goodbye will be said in only a week
no more footprints in the sand
leaving memories where they land

we're forcing them
creating traditions for just tonight
oping to god the will make me remember you
for more than just a night

we have two more weeks
counting down
getting less sleep

will i miss you?
or rather more importantly
will i be missed?

will mistletoes last like kisses
on lips which fall through
on your greatest wishes

will six years be enough
to last six months?
to remind us to keep in touch?

will i remember to play your mix cds
as i starve myself
and watch myself bleed

will that happen to me again?
falling back into the way we used to be
will we remember this?

tell me how to fall in love the way you want me to

this december is not as cold as i remember
but it hurts
not being able to numb out the worst

we're making muffins
and sipping coffee
and talking about how deep we are

then we sit around
to paint our art
expressing how free we are

these golden chains
they freeze away
reiterating how clean we are

december is cold
but nobody knows
how thankful we are

with our bright pink nose
and chapped lips
i miss it

little things

who are we?
and what does that make us?
the fogs of breath
as it escapes us

they said i used to be happy like her
and i wondered where that went
but i dont feel that way anymore
i see it in me again

cause i am content
breathing well spent
still can remember everyday i spent bent
wondering why i thought that was where my thoughts should have went

havent told you i loved you in a real long time

and im sorry for that
the memories flashing back
reminding me of what we lack

it seems like time
has no rhyme
not like it used to

and those eyes in green, blue?
i thought i remembered you...
but i guess its been a year or two

i guess its been a real long time
found the rhythm
but missed the flight

but i still cant wrap my heart around
what you said that night
cant believe the words came out right

cant believe it was goodbye
still cant believe it was all a lie
recreating the way we'd lie

do you remember what it was like?

wake you up with all the things that i still havent said

tell me the ends dont justify
as we're pacing circles around goodbye
then we preface things with "if"
when we already know what the answer is

and im sorry
holding onto the apologies
until i can muster up the courage
to steal your heart and run away with it

not sure where i ever saw the point
in telling you i loved you
in taking you to this point
so i can just as easily say "we're through"

then i told you that i was new
as if we could ever get past the two
the letter
with messy, cursive letters

when i cursed you
to "better"
better than me
the tears i can see

because it was never true
i wasnt leaving you because i loved you
the one who was better was me
and im not sorry for what we couldnt be

stop trying, just believe

i took it for-granted
the buttons leading me back home
back to where my roots had grown

we lack the obsession
with pretty lines
scarred knees
and marks by our eyes

and we accentuate the worst
much like we do with our curves
but never our words

then we wonder why
we spent so much time
stressing rhymes
and finding the "perfect" light

but fuck that
everything will always be alright
the peppermint on your breath
and the blue in your eyes

and fuck hiding away
on days you want to cry
when you believe you will never be as sad
as you are tonight

cause things can always get better
than they are right now
when youve hit rock bottom
youre the most beautiful girl in town

so smile
and tell me that you love me
cause even when im three hundred miles away
youre where i want to be

shut up, you cant change your mind

yeah im pissed
that even after months
we still come back to this
as if nothing had ever happened?

maybe you dont remember
or maybe you just want to forget
the tendency to smoke too much
clouded your judgement

you shouldnt have come around
or bothered deducing my brother's lie
i dont want to talk to you
after what you said the last time

i dont think you get it
falling through on your own promises to yourself
and trying to tear down mine
we said goodbye

so what do you want from me?
you should know to expect nothing
i am content
you keep your own heart bent

there is nothing between
no need for apologies
or trying to string together memories
that dont mean a thing to me

sleepy head

on edge.

no doubt, the words dont match whats in my head

forcing myself to put down thoughts that dont exist

when there will always be something that i miss

i used to think pictures were for memories

never realizing they materialize my heart

as if what i feel isnt enough

and tears all of what i do remember apart

and i used to think that i did this for me

never realizing that it was to prove others i can bleed

and showcase who i am and what i lack

as if without my writing, i couldnt breathe

but now im noticing, that i am content

with no desire to throw that in your face

no desire to write poetry

to keep words and commemorate.

feeling like im being used

theres a sort of emptiness there
after i had been far too charitable with my heart
lost where i landed
not knowing where to start

i keep painting on my wrist
missing the sky
when it was an abyss
and hating you for running away with it

he asked me what the picture was of
i dont know.
i was hoping she would tell me
the sky is black

tell me why i dont hate that
or miss the stars floating back
you paint until the color is gone
hoping soon, the words will come

and bring me back to the right head space
hoping all these thoughts will as well erase

if youre not happy and you hurt this much...

i dont know where that leaves us?
the end?
but im still dreaming
sugary sweet
but hes still leaving

im dressing it up
dressing up the past
making sure we last
i knew it from the start
better never admitted it
the day we fell apart

we kept our tongues behind our teeth
trapping what we think
they say everyday is the start of something beautiful
but i feel sick
and alone

we're creating run on sentences
stringing words to help you believe in us
but just as we come together
we fall apart

sorry i invaded your kingdom

and i was there when the walls came tumbling
exposing your best and your worst fears
kneeling, holding, grasping at strings

pure as new born angel wings
but we've been holding in, break out
falling between the cracks about

you stare at the ocean
with stars in your eyes
tell me things get deeper

youve seen birds fly
say you hate you hate those sundays
when im not there

but tell me that you love me
dont ever refrain
because hiding away,

there is nothing to gain
and be honest
we're so far beyond this

when the clouds make marks in the sky
bear the reflection in glassy eyes
you know what to say

when the tides roll in
exposing what left
everything fragile and thin

talking to whats left of you
the sand which washed away
the beauty switched to bitter decay

poor old man told me life was just beginning

the butterflies were great while they lasted
but i dont really want them back again
because while it was nice
it wasnt me

im so much more
when im lonely
lacking is sweet
how can i write when it doesnt mean a thing?

im back:
praying for angel wings
causing scars
in the heat

i hope it didnt mean a thing
because he is no longer
what i need
sorry- now you can breathe

so alive

my heart is hardened
i cannot share what i do not feel
but i cannot tell you what you do not wish to hear

but if i keep quiet now
will you listen when i choose to speak
when i decide, something means anything to me

i dont want to hear it anymore
that we're all lacking
i dont want to recognize that we all could be more

last night meant nothing
i couldnt think
about anything aside from
i wont be here next week.

angel from hell

i feel like im only feigning it
like im holding on
because i spilled my heart
just like i did
when i gave him my innocence

so what does this mean?
is it the end for me?
like the boy who sits behind me
doesnt mean a thing?
oh god, that was embarrassing

its such a disappointment
that what he was to me
was just a filler
to get some sleep

but i know im going to need something
because daddy is back
for more than just a week

let me out, i cant breathe

are you okay?
i can see that youre scared
that youve considered
not being there

but i want you to know
that thats alright
i cant really blame you
i wont put up a fight

i just need to know
that this is what you want
that you wont tun around
and realize that you lost

because then ill be gone
as if this never meant a thing
as if we never met
as if you never gave me that ring

what is enough?

i keep going back to that
turning it over in my head
pushing toward what i lack

i guess i never knew what i had
until it was gone
regretting the facts

the colors all but blur
blinding me and binding me
as if the sheets were the cure

i dont want to be here
this state makes me dizzy
this state holds what i fear

these picture hurt
bringing back the worst
bringing back the memories

but never my world
you know thats what you were.

if you gotta go, then go; i couldnt change that

light shining between blackout curtains
the way they fit like a puzzle piece
illuminating her silhouette
filling gaps between the curves

i could never ask for more
blue eyes like oceans
i have no words
like when the sun meets shore

as i push the hair back
falling over her face
blue eyes shimmering like diamonds
and the rising and falling of her waist

i remember the way the sheets tangled
wrapping her up in beauty
hiding it away
begging her to stay

she doesnt sleep without a night light
says she likes the stars at night
they remind her of her garden
back home where her momma is

its not hard to figure out
but it consumes her
wondering what life is about
and how we'll find our way out

shes never prayed
said the cravings never stayed
and shes gone to church before
but the feelings always delayed

it brings me back to those sunday nights
telling her i loved her
but couldnt tell her why
the sympathetic look she gave

telling me shes sorry
she couldnt stay
cause her daddy told her he loved her too
once, but she realized what it meant today

it meant giving up
and she had to go
because if it wasnt tonight
shed never know

we're exactly where we're meant to be

all the lines sort of started to blur together
and turn grey with emptiness
like the feelings that i get
when i see you again

but i cant put together what happened
trying to string the lines
only to come up empty handed
as if i cant remember everything as it had been

the words seem so lack-luster
as if my feelings meant nothing
pulling at strings
to make you comprehend how he loved her

and how i cant bring it back
i screwed it all up
obsessing over the facts
that what we had would be over before we realized what we have

i keep telling myself
we're exactly where we're meant to be
but i feel like i damned myself
falling from cloud nine, to watch myself bleed

i fucked things up
mistaking that his love was something i didnt need
but i could never change the fact that
without him, i cant breathe

a fraudulent zodiac

i dont know what to do
holding me back
like a girl whose two

i keep reading her poetry
and her telling stories to keep her from crying
to keep her from a boy whose lying
and turning over what shes fighting

i hope i made you feel more
i hope i made you heal
imagining crosses where the bruises were bore
and where the skin was barely torn

regardless, though
i cant help but to feel something lacking
like everything i went through today
somehow had no backing

and in a year, when i leave
it will just be a tiny mark
like those pretty scars
littering skeleton arms

something to get off my chest

realization will be the death of us. when i change my mind as i watch you unwind. its unsettling to see that days feel like weeks when we're not talking. and that you actually believe i can cure anything. and i feel awful, like aaron, leaving because i know you could do better without me. only i wont write you a love letter, telling you im sorry that you ever thought i could be what you need. everyone has realized by now, i could never be capable of such a thing.

the best thing about me is my ability to know when to leave. and like a clean slate, leave you with the feelings of emptiness and me with the problems that go along with it. i dont know what you have to miss. as youre sitting in the grass, looking for a star on which to wish. we have nothing left. as if my heart completely vanished.

the past returns and my heart burns

butterflies
i cant remember what they felt like
always being comfortable
is where my hearts been at

but i dont want that back
hurting just to prove im worth it
when he always shoved in my face
what i knew i lack

telling me there are many other girls
hes seen
who are much more than me
more than i could ever be

and im sorry for myself
that i dont regret a thing
dying just to prove hes lying
adding dignity to my crimson wings

and this burning october
reminds me of your lover
how you told me you hated her
but found comfort after the two weeks we were over.

you were a fucking liar
might as well have
thrown my heart back in the fire
or better yet, the noose my closet

i had never gotten closer
than when i said it was over
i never wanted that
why did i ever want us back?

i came alone, but did not feel alone

im pretty sure i was in love
and im pretty sure that was enough
and you may not have felt the same
lying to keep me from dying

but those words still mean just as much
holding on to every touch
and you can deny it,
i promise i wont fight it
but ill always remember

like the first time you told me
you loved me
the butterflies
and how my heart stopped at goodbye

how long have i been gone?

the coroner tallies
marking out all the fallacies
and i dont know how you fall for these
red lips hard to read

we dream as if we live forever
as if tomorrow is promised
as if thats the way it was meant
never realizing what we could miss

i spent the day in bed
imagining how it felt
how when i looked into your eyes
my heart would melt

but that means nothing now
because youre not here
and i would sing to you
through the sorrow youll never hear

last words from our last fight
and how what i said now can never be taken back
im sorry
pouring through the strength that i lack

in love with you like summer

im not the type
to love so freely

falling
after he clipped my wings

and im sorry
but i know sorry doesn't fix a thing

especially when it doesnt mean a thing
i have no desire to believe

i cant believe you
ive been the one to deceive

and i know what it means
absolutely nothing

still... its nice to think
that everything was an accident

and we are where we're meant
but that idea is a present

and its a lie
to cover up what we try to hide

what we feel inside
and for me, that is nothing

who do you think you are? who do you think i am?

youre crazy if you would ask for this
i am nothing
i am less

brown eyes causing a war
civil between my heart and my head
they never connect

fuck those who say theyre blessed
ive been climbing for years
never able to work myself out of this mess

im so over liars
telling me im stupid
to be a fighter

telling me what to believe in
telling me i caused the fire
saying that i tossed the lighter

the revolution of me; though nothing has changed, really

i havent checked
the pages piling in my head
sorting through memories
watching tears as they shed

i should have been prepared
to look back
and regret it
as i did while i was living it

why did i spend so many days fed up?
taking it as if i deserved this
ive seen pictures as they depict happiness
but you know ive always been great at hiding it

maybe then i felt it
on and off
but it was there
my heart and my head never play fair

so does that mean i miss you?
lying, when i told you i was through
nevermind, i doubt it
i was always number two

dont drag it out

yes, i lied
i told you i would be fine
but you should have known
there was no point in what i could have shown

because whenever i tell you i feel
im avoided and ignored
so cut the strings
i feel nothing

and theres nothing from you i need
because you could make me bleed
a procession is what i could see

wondering who it could be
the girlfriend was the last one he was with
cuts on his wrists

crimson in them
crimson ego showing through
flowing blue

youre right.
i never know you
because you wont let me through

but now, no one else will ever worry about that too.

im a mess when im clean

i wonder how cold it will be
i wonder how long it will take me to drown

that bridge
the memories which cross them
like my mind

my condolences to the bride
throwing herself over

like the circumstances she considered below her
marrying a man who didnt know her

they all died
like what i feel inside

he told me the cracks
i could conceal
just hold back on what i reveal

but i dont want that

a life full of facts
a life holding me back

like that woman had
maybe thats why she did it

because for those few seconds
of gravity pulling her down

she felt important,
necessary

then her body hit the water
and that ice cold sea

tore her from the seams

of perfection
and the idea that everything is always as it seems

how pissed she would be
when he told her she wasnt perfect
because she could bleed

then the water pulled her down
how stupid was she?

to believe that she would float
to believe that she meant a thing

fall to pieces

shes been watching too much tv
told me that she loved me
but life is full of maybes

and what ifs
i dont feel the same
i dont want to break her heart

but i dont feel that way
these curtains block out sunlight
turning the days into night

and her hearts burns
but mine churns
watching summer turn cold

as these feelings get old
feeling trapped
like my past

when she told me she missed me
i could say it back
and i have to live with that

cant imagine anyone else feeling so broken

no faith in me
no faith in you

i respect those who can put their hearts on the line
to feel a god they cant see
to put their lives on hold to intertwine

ive seen grace
like my mother pulling me out of a broken mess
child of the state

but i cant see passed that
the literal savior was the woman beside me
the woman who made me

this morning, it brought my past back
realizing what i lack
my innocence and childhood i can never get back

but i dont want that
i want now what i thought i understood
before being pulled from my lonely neighborhood

i think im making the right decision
only trusting what i can see
however thats never set me free

holding me back like a newborn baby
my daddy who tied my wings
telling me what i could never be

i was lost in the sea
currents reiterating that i should be down on my knees
to pray for forgiveness, for something to which i had never agreed

how could i believe in you?
when you never helped them believe me?
when i was only doing what was best for others

putting little girls and boys futures before me
i never wanted to stand in front of a man who womanized a baby
but i realized it had to happen before he marked another three

still he walked
smiling as he talked
because a twelve year old girl

couldnt show twelve others her
and what was taken
they were mistaken

and proved god was only faking
allowing another mean man
to keep on breaking

so if you can trust him after that
if you can see passed his past
well you have a faith that i lack

and i would never wish for that

gotta live until you die

there was so much i wanted to say
that needed to be said
but in reality, the words lacked depth

and not enough could fill in the holes
in the blanks
and sentences with fragments

i needed her
not want
but like i had to have her

and these are just filler
nothing compared to the feeling of her
curled up inside

curled up beside
i want to feel that love
that right now is just distance

come home from nashville
the city lights cant break apart my insistence
they can fill cracks

but never with what you left me.

a part of me felt like i was broken too

glass coffin, golden crown
he breaks what isnt broken
then lays me down

water fills up the insides
drowning me in myself.
holding onto the outsides

hoping it doesnt show
because verses never speak the truth
they emphasize the emptiness

but right now i only feel wholeness
and holiness
with the god who burdens me

tell me that im weak
you know that makes you a liar
you know that im a fighter

and i spent every day holding on

call me a liar
tell me im choked up in imagination
and that love is just a fascination

because i can do nothing but agree with you
holding on for three years
denying all my worst fears

and yeah i lied
because it hurt
fake heartbreak feels the worst

god told me he could clean my slate
if i could wash his son's feet
but ive had enough of being on my knees

praying for someone who doesnt believe in me
and keeps fucking me over
burning down bridges before im over

now youre asking me to follow?
as if my past didnt prove you lied
to a little girl trying to take her life.

the end isnt permanent

whats the line between life and death?
i know its something ive crossed in my head
the cross says its permanent
and its hell if you pursued it

but does that really make me something less?
just trying to get closer to where im really meant
do i feel more once it is met?
or will i still be fighting, hands tied in another net?

i was always told that white is pure
leading me to believe that crimson is cure
and i shall be wrapped in silk
as if my body is more

but they told me if i were lighter
things would be brighter
leading me to starve myself
proving i was never a fighter

so ill pull this noose tighter
glad that i was never lighter
glad hanging made me matter
more than words that shatter

christ lied
heaven hurts
questioning what
we fought for.

its not enough and it will never be again

even after my eyes were dry
there were no tears
the blood came oozing
like all of my fears

tell me what that means
that its not my feelings
i didnt realize you felt a thing
at least, not for me

like cold water
ripping me from the seams
that white linen
wrapping us in feathered wings

lost in
i never realized you knew it
burdens
and the way you hurt us

you told me it had ended
well not that it ended
but the lacking words
let me know it was over

so tell me that you love her
so i can burn this clover
and get over the boy who loved me
tell me that its over

am i wrong?

tell me what you think youve figured out
why this lonely girl turns inside-out

maybe i just changed my mind
or saw something i hadnt previously
like that you cant mean more
im just evening the score

i told you everything
so why are you still lost?
while i see right through
with the little things you play into

and im starting with the past
the heartbreak rolling into that
falling fast
and the hurt thats lasts

im not forgetting that
its something important
something we both had
though it could never be that bad

choked up

i used to feel so free
like i could drink up the universe
and be complete

well, right now im feeling completely alone
and desperate
desiring what i could never imagine i needed

hope
because right now
i feel so ...

like nothing
and thats worse than the worst
like i never get what i need

but i dont understand what is needed
but now its been completed
and i just feel defeated

this song is overplayed.
and my heart has overstayed

honestly, you could never make me feel worse about myself than i do. than right now. this darkness reiterates the intensity that is my loss and loneliness. even with a mother's death, i feel more lacking. as if shes impacted me more than i could have ever expected. someone i have never met.
i made an idiot of myself. thinking that was what you wanted. carefree. but truthfully, i am not to be the type that is careless. rather, i am careful and concerned as to what everyone is thinking about me every moment of everyday and once i feel content, i only feel lost again. my blue isnt blue enough, my heart isnt open enough, and my thoughts arent deep enough. i care too much.
while my head is in the future, i am afraid i will never make it there. the past will get the best of me again and maybe next time, i wont make it. i wont awake again with that same nauseating feeling.
bed for a week makes my heart weak. i never thought about what it means, but now i realize this illness is stronger than ever. whenever i believe that everything is perfect, its only a facade. my heart is gone.

trying to finish something but i have no idea where to begin

i dont know where to start
i gave you my heart
then you ripped it apart

hopeless
scratch the hope
i feel less

i expected you were like the first
you made my heart burst
however you were easier to rid

guess i gave you more
than you ever needed
as if youre ego had never been feeded

and youre calling me arrogant?
only reciprocating
what i had seen

much less of a man
i had expected
i guess thats what i get for expecting

and not for protecting
im over these games
ive lost interest

trying to tear apart something that had already ended

thats what scares me the most
the end
the fact that everything that meant so much
is nothing now
and i feel cold

even in these sheets
meant to be shield
my feet are still cold
sending shivers
of how i feel

lost
like everything was a waste of time
because it got us nowhere
it brought us ten steps back
back to where we said "forever"
not knowing it would never last

ive been trying so hard for this poetry
but these streets i grew up on
abandon me
as if it never meant a thing
blood was shed
like the autumn leaves

crimson red with october
burning sage and four leaf clovers
they never did a thing
but raise hope for a lost cause
and tear me apart
with my faith in a god

"the untruth"

youre touch burns through
i used to think of reasons to play through
but now thats far through

poetry about you
rhymes just come in twos
you said you were cleaning up
i say youre cleaning out

ive tried so hard to make it obvious
hoping to god you were reading this
hoping, maybe you would regret it

but i dont think thats happening
and while it was short lived
i couldnt stop laughing

so lets just stop pretending
that theres anything
and that everythings alright

when you wont even speak to me
tell me why youre not speaking to me
because thats the worst thing
you still make my knees go weak.

Maybe it was my heart, or maybe it was my mind. Sometimes, it was hard to tell the difference.

i want that
that longing
and the hurt

the kind of rain that burns
feelings like it:
when they fall,
they break apart and splash everywhere

i want to fall apart
but be alright
because its what im supposed to do
in your arms

instead im holding myself up
holding myself back
from being open and honest
i thought we were beyond this

but you changed
once you stopped speaking
there was nothing to gain

but it was my body blamed
ive been wracking my brain for reasons
reasons why there couldnt be us

am i just too much?
the same reason which interested you
or rather, lacking?
especially in mystery

i want you to be with me
i dont want to play games
i want to be free

be proud of me

remember crayons?
coloring the sun a bright orange
telling me you loved the stars
because regardless of how far
you could always see exactly where they are

i remember the night sky
black like an abyss
back then i could never imagine
that one day i would be swimming in it

i remember crossing the streets
and looking both ways
holding your hand
knowing with you, i would be safe

now im diving in
worried about the future
wondering how ill get there
ive never felt so scared

but youre still right here
the way you guide
the way youre near
once again,
theres nothing i could ever truly fear.

leaving you because i love you

i dont want to say goodbye
goodbye is scary
and my heart is weary

but i realize that we're never going to change
and we'll both keep getting hurt
so you can give your heart to her

im always lockd up in my head
while youre locked up in your heart
i will never let you in

so now we can restart
i got ahead of myself
and you didnt know what to do with yourself

so let mutually walk away
tell ourselves we'll both be okay
and maybe we'll believe it

eyes closed

when i cant say what i feel
itll only make things worse
but i want you to know what is real
when youre so well rehearsed

i know when youre lying
youre so full of yourself
but keep on denying
i heard you the first time

youre tying nooses
wrapping them around our relationship
and burning the bridges
we had only just began to build

why wont you leave?
take the hint?
youre the last i want to see
and the only one isnt me.

you can hold onto the bed sheets, but they wont hold onto you

yeah this loneliness is plaguing
and losing me in my thoughts
breaking away from what i thought i wanted
and it was all for you

i kept my promise
even after i lost you
for no god damn reason
you left me broken, but breathing

and thats not even the worst part
we didnt even start
you just led me on
to cut me off

while i confessed my everything to you
you said that was the thing you liked best about me
you always knew what i was thinking
just like last night, i still feel the need to let you know:

i fucking hate you
i hate the way you act like nothing ever happened
and i play along for you
but even worse, i still want you

i know when im losing you

empty bed
the sheets that once tangled us together
now are cold like the weather

i feel lost
like the autumn leaves
but keep on hoping,
youll come back to me

i let you go
as you asked
but only on the outside
the memories still last

but i tried so hard
to erase that face
replace it with another
but there was always a trace

now im sick
in bed for a week
cant imagine it any other way
havent eaten in a week

stomach ache

you asked
said you never knew what was true with me
but there are some things i cant fake
like you, i cant keep my eyes away

and i dont want to seem hopeful
but i noticed that look
like you said you had had the first day
like you remembered my name like yesterday

ive never been the type to miss
the one to hold onto the past
as if it was something ideal
but you made me feel something i previously didnt know i could feel

call and say youve changed your mind so i can sleep

maybe thats what theyre supposed to do
pull the rug from out under you
call and tell me that we're over
so i can stop wishing on this clover

green like your eyes
green with envy
green faced with the lies
and holding on for no reason why

i can clean my sheets
but not my past
i can love the person
but not the facts

and i can finally say im over it
over you and what i thought you were
even the good guys are jerks
but they hurt worse

it takes a big facade to hide the cracks

you pulled the strings
like shoe laces
i had come undone
like a perfectly wrapped bow
on a present
i had only just won

then you changed your mind
took it back
shoved in my face
what i already knew i lacked
only more
it was you
only less
and i was through

i pulled the strings
a thick rope to cope
nothing more
than a noose
nothing less
and i was through

looking back
i saw angel wings
looking now
those were devilish things
i thought i knew
what i had
till you pulled my strings
dropped the curtains
and exposed my bad

stop talking. stay with me.

tear stained sheets
smeared make up
i feel weak

my body is empty space
my heart is lost
and thoughts are cocaine laced

and i know its only 8:28
but i dont want to be awake
hoping this is all just a dream
something fake

ive never been the type
to feel so lost
a maze in your eyes

but i guess i was only fooled
by your amazing
"good guy" disguise

the words: i hardly remember
only goodbye
a jumble of lies

like i love you
and ill miss you
but if you do, then why?

same mistakes

this feels a lot like the past
like something i could never get passed
yeah, i broke my promise,
but you broke more

i was hung up
you just hung up
and maybe i got ahead of myself
but i wish that you would grow up

and answer me
i feel so in the dark
while youre having your fun
playing with my heart

everyday, i tell myself im over it
but that just changes
when you walk into the room again
what about you is it?

in the dark

i hate that question:
what is lacking about me?
what do you see
that i cant be?

though ive tried my hardest
and have hidden my worst
what do you see through?
what am i not to you?

since i dont foresee
you telling me the truth
being honest
saying im not good for you

here are a few
i talk too little
and over think too much
music defines me

my past is never too far behind me
id rather be alone
but i want someone there
when i need them

ill tell you all you want to hear
but then again, a lot you dont
ive got a lot on my mind
but i promise, youre eighty percent of it

show me what im looking for

i could never believe in a vengeful god

that just seemed abusive

those who say pick and choose

well how could i not loose?

ive never really been true

they say you have a list

like santa clause

who doesnt exist

so what am i supposed to believe?

if you love me, there would be no rules

only that you love me and i love you

but i still question...

is that alright?

i still have doubts some nights

but as long as i live morally

and for me

shouldnt that be alright?

...continued

so if i cant trust my father
how do you expect me to trust you
someone i cant see
someone who has watched me bleed

where were you in that?
the knifes reflection
always left me feeling lacking
and you weren't there

so how can i trust you to ever be?
i was just a kid
too alone
to possibly believe

now that im older
and im ready to move on
will you show me
how to move on?

i need you like before
only possibly
maybe more
where will you be?

im using you, youre using me

i used to believe the works i create
were all me
sometimes i go through times
where i question how i really sleep

when im lost
i toss and turn
when i recognize that living is for living
my dreams take flight

so maybe youre all that i am
that denying is useless
and without you
im useless

but thats always seemed so weak to me
the phrase
"without you, i cant breathe"
just seems like a crutch

rather than a proclamation
of faith
it seems like admitting what im lacking
is someone to hold on to

means that i will always need
someone else to hold on to
but growing up i had no one
no father, no christ

and someone to take care
seemed to far fetched
and being happy
always followed with "do i dare?"

who we were vs. who we've been

my past makes me nauseas
and looking back i dont even recognize myself

i used to think that people didn't change
they just grew
but looking back
i dont think thats true

i used to be so bent
on appearing presentable
for others
wondering what they thought of her

i realize now
that i was lacking to them
because when i was "myself"
it was always for him

sunday sheets

i want to be her
sunday sheets
well they leave their scents
go to chapel so you can repent

and while youre at it
leave your keys
im so over it
ready for autumn leaves

white is pure
but your forced her into this
blood stained
"cure"

this isnt enough...
this is too vague...
i know judging is god's job
but you deserve what you gave

you fucked her
told her you loved her
but when her stomach
confessed your sins

you forced another upon her
told her shed be marked with a scarlet 'a'
have she not
kill her baby

why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves?

I know who I am
and I know what I lack
But I want to know you are
And why its you I have to have

We're humans
so obsessed with discovering
and taking things for face-value
then wondering why its that which we value

We can pick apart ourselves
and spend hours picking apart each other
but as we get deeper
we wonder why we loved her

loved
as in past tense
as in today,
i will be saying "remember when?"
as if it wasnt yesterday
i broke that which will take years to mend

its true
i never felt things for people
who have pursued
they always seemed lacking
i dont want to hold the strings

i recognize
that i should never be trusted
after garrett, feelings caught me flustered
though ive been infatuated in years past
that  boy never had what you have.

but i can not forgive myself
for things that i have felt
the position i put myself in
the way it makes me melt

compare and contrast

what makes me something less?
when i was only being honest
because you forced me into this

i would have never brought up something so frivolous
comparing intelligence
i wonder if you realize anyone else exists

i found myself holding back
just like i always do
when im around you

but i shouldn't
ive told you several times
im through

i wonder if you think you understand others
why you dont understand me
or your own mother

when shes always tried so hard
to shelter, with warmth to cover
but you feel like there nothing you owe her

but to him everything
to him who left us free
when we were just kids

who didnt understand
where we were meant to be
though i dont remember that night so clearly

i remember one thing
our savoir
was never he

how can i love you when you dont love yourself?

i feel nothing
nothing for the past
i prefer not to dwell
or share my memories
with people who really care

i think you love yourself too much
to realize what youre really doing
to put an end to an addiction
that caused my self infliction

when you made me feel like nothing
i slowly felt like feeling something
bad or good
was better than feeling this nothingness

pain i can deal with
apathy is too smart for me
too much
not enough.

i think

i told you id write
but what happens when theres nothing to say?
do i keep my promise?
or do i just walk away?

i meant what i said
about how i was happy for you
though i wish id admitted it was a lie
and that i want you to stay

but what do you expect me to say?
do you want me to lie
pretend like
i dont really feel this way

its hard to conceal
ive never been so honest
or so open
or so careless as to what others say

i dont think i could do better
thats why im losing
i dont think i could feel worse
thats why im lying

the lines multiply. the lines blur.

Ive tried stringing these things I think together, but I find I leave myself disappointed. The words I write never seem to portray the whole truth as it breaks me. They're lacking like me. And then when I speak to you, the desire to maintain my dignity is overshadowed by my desire to tell you how much you mean to me despite the obstacles, the irony, and the obvious, my fear that while I feel things for you I deem unnatural, my inability to put them into words haunts me with worry that you won't recognize the feelings I cannot seem to express.
I know you need them, that your desire is nauseating from the secrets you keep from me. I tell you everything in hopes that one day, maybe today you could in turn share your life story with me. I want to hear everything. The little boy's first time on a swing, the first battle wound, the first heartbreak. I want to know how you felt about the night I told you something I can never take back, but I don't want to regret it.
I know right now, this isn't enough. And maybe I'll never be enough, what I say to you will always fall short of your expectations and I'm not as beautiful as the girl of your dreams- my eyes aren't blue enough and my hair won't stay straight and sometimes I say things I don't mean and I ramble and my head is full of jumbled thoughts and all the wrong lyrics and my sentences are long. and I never learned when to properly use the word et cetera. (Haha.) But I want you to know, that when it comes to feelings like these as someone I would enjoy centering a decent amount of my mind and time on, you are not just enough, you are perfect.

Hows it going to be?

They say all my searches for truth will end in fruit, but the signs leading me there make my head hurt causing countless nights staying up reminding myself of who I really am and what I lack. I used to be fine with that, but what happens when the photos scattered on your floor aren't me anymore? I don't want to lose, but i understand that's a habit of mine, something I can't break, something that causes me to break. Maybe you were right in your decision, the decision to be safe; not taking any chances on a girl who doesn't take chances and dwells far too much in self loathing to love you like you should be. I would say that, however I know I'm only talking myself into believing that you're getting what you deserve with her- that all this hurt I feel right now will fade and what I said to you just a few nights ago will be just like any other day.
Others are taking chances and getting hurt, like trying to fly just after your mother gave birth. Sometimes we forget we're not birds and we need to learn. We need to grow and get stronger and prepare ourselves. You don't know me, but I never prepare, leaving a laundry list of mistakes like shards of glass, breaking skin, and falling for someone. I'm completely hopeless. Today, I thought, maybe I'd be less hopeless if I went to church and gave myself to God and put my mind on something else, however the whole sermon, my head was spinning circles, dancing thoughts of being naked and honest and loved and loving in the purest sense; in the sense that maybe it was all right because it was you. I know God hates me for my impure thoughts. I tried to subdue, I tried to dilute, but it was you.
And just how do you expect me to get over that? Gazing out my window, I forget I'm driving and headlights blind me, but all I think about is how nice it is out and how beautiful the sky and stars are and wonder what it would be like on any other planet right now, in any other dimension. If everything was alright and everyone is happy and I hope everything isn't always as they seem because it seems all my ventures to get over you arent working.

lying tongues are clumsy

not enough was said
but nothing was heard
and you just kept lying
like this was the first

but i meant what i said
that i dont trust you
and never will listen to what you said
because it wasnt enough

youve got that right
i dont want promises
ive been hearing them for years
but i know your "honesty" lacked your tears

and i know
you only told me what you thought i wanted to hear
again showing me
why i never wanted you here

house of hallways

i never cried
i held my breath
i never thought i could
and you wouldve never guessed

that you couldve been the cause of this
that you were something more
that you were the scars on my wrists

so before you say she understands more
think about how close we were
and those highest fall hardest
and that one time...
it wasnt just one time

i know youve found god
ive heard it before
i know your sorry
ive seen you on the floor

you admitted
the way i walked out the door
made you want to say "screw it"
and buy a bottle or four

but the statement wasnt meant to be a punishment
but an encouragement
if you love me
we can fix it

just like i did
for our beautiful
little boy and girl
so their lives can be full

so i can be more to them
i want you to mean more to me
i want what i say to get through
and i want you to feel brand new

reminding me ill never be enough

are you happy now?
i have no words
you got what you wanted
i got hurt

so congratulations
a girl was burned
i sacrificed my flight
to give a boy my world

now he doesnt even know my name
doesnt remember my face
doesnt care
he just replaced

i feel like shit
i feel like waste
like our past
was all in bad taste

so i guess you got what you wanted
a poem for my heartbreak
i gave you my innocence
and you gave me ...

nothing

make me fall in love with you

lets hope you keep your word
that youll say it back
thats all i ask
that im not giving everything

to someone with whom it wouldnt mean a thing
i wanna mean something
to you
i wanna love you

and i want to be loved
and feel loved
and never take it for granted
because i know how much it means

i want my love to mean something to you
i want you to feel special because of me
i want you to know it
i want to show it

you made me fall in love with you.

not sorry anymore

youre right
i broke your heart
after month
i felt no love for you
while you gave me everything
a girl could possibly want
but

you broke your promise
remember the day?
when you told me nothing would change
and i checked off the list
of all the bad things that could happen
and you said something like
"nothing could ever change the way i feel
about you"

now you wont even speak to me
i feel like the sight of me
just might make you nauseas
what changed the promise?
i know this was on the list
i warned you
i only loved you as a friend

you said i lead you on
that i took you for granted
but i told you
i never wanted these things
i never wanted your heart
i knew it was too good
for my hands

i told you, after
you deserved better
but you never listened
to a word i said
not even sorry

so i take it back
you deserve what you got.

naked hate

he left me in the purist state
hands cold
and heart broke
feeling like gold

how many times do i have to say it?
im sorry we couldnt make it
but you left us distant
like friends was just a filler

what you would say
until you got what you wanted:
me naked
but guess what, i faked it

i never felt more
you never could make me feel more
and i hope your happy
with what you left on the floor

because it was never mine
it was always yours
heres your heart
as i walk through the door

know this world like my father

and youd be crying in my ear, claiming

"the phone rings both ways

you know im always here"

but im sorry

i was twelve years old

calling a rehab to be put on hold

then theyd finally answer

and say "i hope your daddy breaks the mold"

do you realize how damaging that was

the condescending twists of their sentences

because they knew the statistics

but sweetly sheltered me from the evils of it

while you just made me feel like shit

like it was my fault you were locked up in this

like i was locked up in my emotions

i denied what i felt

or rather, the lack of it

i never want to see you again

because i know what will happen

youll promise big, big things

like happiness

but wont follow through

and end up back in your addiction.

alive in this bed, alive for the weekend

youre right
im a horrible person
for doing what sets me free

but youre a terrible person
for caging me

i told you i loved you
something never easy
and you just looked at me
said something to the effect of
"i know that wasnt easy"

so im drowning myself in Lydia
hoping ill find some meaning in
"I'm sorry, so sorry. I'm leaving."
i want to forget im breathing

but wait.
what did you say?
just before you turned away?
"i love you too. dont you ever change."

i wish i felt now
how i did in that moment
so heartbroken and so in love
so poetic, but so enough

paint me up something golden

did that really happen?
i think it did
but im not sure of it

i cleared out everything
like the past doesnt exist
but i like to think it did

im still a little unsure
did anything really change?
i told you, but it all ended in nausea

like carrot cake
silky sweet
bitterness

i want to give in
i want to begin
i want to regret it

but how could i?
it never really happened
like a bad dream

i want to forget
but i want to live it again
i want to know why

i was happy then
but now im just pissed
why did i do it?

been out of my mind for some time now

well, i let you know
and i know its time
but i dont wanna let go

i can come to terms
thats not the problem
and i know holding on
is much harder

... but, maybe, theres an exception
like i love you except,
i love her more
like what you said to me
didnt hurt

ive been pretty okay
im content with everything
im glad you didnt stay
its good i got away

except, lately...
just tell me why
you know im hardly getting by

daddy

what am i supposed to say?
what will get through?
i love you
but im through

yeah i need you
i need you distant
like youve always been
like forever and then

and it hurts when you text
it feels like a test
and you cry in my ear
you dont know what i fear

i cant tell you
i dont trust you
i know youre my daddy
but sometimes its hard to love you

can i write for you?

how about to you?
can i get through you?
will you? will you.

i want you to know how it feels to love you
the butterflies bring me back to my first crush
and how i wish it was you

because this feeling is amazing
and i only want to feel it for you
so how about you?

i realize the timings a little off
you're happy and im busy
but how can this feel so perfect

do i dare use that word?
how about magical?
no... that word doesn't even brush justice

true, youre not for me
and im not for you
but what does it matter?

if i only see you
if i only want to be with you
will you? will you.

he said we will always be saved.

i want you to grasp what im feeling
but the words, i cant touch
like we're only brushing them
holding onto something we cant trust

i want you to know what it felt like
when the rain was pouring like my eyes.
when i considered drowning in it all
as if i didnt mean anything at all

no one ever told me i was important
i had to figure that out for myself
when one night, i became what i despise
i had to change all the lies

and im still working through it
psychoanalyzing everything
and wondering why i do it
hoping that i can get through this

the sky was big and blue and full of everything

i feel bad
like its my fault
you feel this way
like i couldve done something different

but then i think about him
did he make the choice?
oh i wish he did
but he definitely couldnt

so what am i supposed to say
when you admit
you feel this way
im as lost as you

but what do i expect him to say
no? im sorry?
but then i wonder
will i even be able to muster up the courage

say what im feeling
say what youre feeling
so we can get it out in the open
but i already know it

does he know it?
are my words even necessary
how will he react?
how will i react?

no, im sorry
i dont feel the same
and its a cycle
a heartbreaking cycle

feeling sorry for myself

could never love a liar
he hurts too much
he needs too much
but theres not enough love
for the both of us

and i know i told you im sorry
that i want you back
and this pain i cant carry
but i lied
like you, when you said youd be alright
how does it feel
now that youre on the other side?

oh baby boy...
suck it up
i dont need your luck
cause with it
id get fucked

wish i could format my heart

wish i knew where to start.
two broken hearts that grew up
not one though, that still has its spark

of course im happy
what would i have if i let that go?
if i let what i really felt show?

my heart is hurting
like i just might die
without you by my side

and i know its a cliche
but only 'cause its true
like how i miss the blue

eyes like diamonds
eyes like mine, crying
'I' like your rIng

the one that you gave me
before you left
and i thought i knew what was next

before that wreck
the kisses on my neck
from where you had said tomorrow

but more time was borrowed
and i cant feel the sorrow
ill meet you there

under the alter
like that man never faltered

what will you find?

do you remember me?
yeah, from back when we were in love
from back when that was enough

and maybe we missed our prime
like you said,
we lost our rhyme
but im thinking thats alright

and for a while i felt cold
but now thats gotten old.
and now im letting go
because you have gotten low

like i never even knew you
like every word never got through you...
i know you said ill be fine
but what about you?

because if im falling apart
there must be something new
like a green eyed girl
i know you had a thing for emerald worlds

god, that hurts
the very thought of it
i shouldve mentioned earlier
that im not over yet

hope you dont think im too safe

"you ruined my heart,"
he said,
with non-diminishing strength

like it was something he practiced
in the mirror
but it hurt

like the words that he gathered
the four words
had burned

strung together so eloquently
making me feel weak
making me resent my need

flashbacks
making my head hurt
like my heart had

i gave him his rose back
what did he say?
i dont need that.

and now its black
sitting on my bedside table
untouched

like my hand
for so many months
do i miss it?

i dont think so
god, i dont hope so
you ruined my heart, too

and i know youre eyes like baby blue
could never understand
what i had to do

i have a dream for you

im sorry
the hurt that you carry
the pain that is burried

and i know whats true
so why do you lie?
try to cover up
what hes really like?

i dont know how you feel
aside from whats spoken
but the hurt in your eyes
shows me youre broken

but if everythings alright
why cant you sleep?
why do your dreams
scare you at night?

if it hurts
tear away
if you love yourself
you shouldnt stay.

so you've found god today...

so self absorbed
and judgemental
i feel like ive forgot
who was with Him

He found God
over the weekend
While the other found God
locked in a rehab

But it doesn't matter
They always return
Once they get a chance
to score again

Hit the floor again
Its a war again
But who are you?
A teacher?

Oh God,
I forgot for a second
as you claimed I was immoral
because of a stupid quarrel

smoke and mirrors

tact, something that i lack
and it scares me
like being condemned to a hell
i could never believe in

so how can i prove that?
im sorry, i shouldnt have done that
but now my thoughts are scaring me
would i really repeat a mistake?

or would i play it safe
walk the tight rope to my safety net
but if i considered jumping over the edge...
enough with that.

maybe im feeling lonely again..
like anyone could win
and the first one i see,
my feelings swallow me.

helpless

bruises on your skin
where your man has left his mark
because you didnt tell him you loved him
though not given time to start

and i know it hurts
the pain is crippling
but even worse
the pain is rippling

but you say you need him
that his love is strong
ignore the bruises
hes placed on your arm

and your heart
its broken
like bones
when youve misspoken

regardless of your claims
i see your desperation
the blackness in your eyes
like his caused by "frustration"

eyes like the ocean

I never saw it coming
I never saw the ocean
But now when I do
Im thinking of you

I'm seeing the blue
The currents, the colors of your eyes
And I admit it hurts
But I still put up a disguise
I know I still love you
But if I'm asked, I'll tell a lie

I'm over it,
I'm over it,
Yeah it stung like a jellyfish
but now I can wish
on a shooting star
without thinking of you
without falling hard.

And for now its alright,
but I can't promise that tonight.
Thats what I'll say,
but you and I both know thats a lie.