why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves?

I know who I am
and I know what I lack
But I want to know you are
And why its you I have to have

We're humans
so obsessed with discovering
and taking things for face-value
then wondering why its that which we value

We can pick apart ourselves
and spend hours picking apart each other
but as we get deeper
we wonder why we loved her

loved
as in past tense
as in today,
i will be saying "remember when?"
as if it wasnt yesterday
i broke that which will take years to mend

its true
i never felt things for people
who have pursued
they always seemed lacking
i dont want to hold the strings

i recognize
that i should never be trusted
after garrett, feelings caught me flustered
though ive been infatuated in years past
that  boy never had what you have.

but i can not forgive myself
for things that i have felt
the position i put myself in
the way it makes me melt