loves quickly, leaves quickly

asking how your day was
subtle goodbye hymns
understanding i leave with little whim
knowing id sewn us together carelessly
lasting little time weak
pulling apart at the seams
but still dont doubt i love the same

the magic of my body
it could move on so quickly
confessing i feel little
wearing away more brittle
i am coreless
when im cordless
some ideal sexualized reckless masterpiece
slurring words together
i know what i mean

and yet
six months out of the game
presently hesitant of all of the same
remembering mastering what i wanted my body to be
but fences lowered when you were around me

and im so used to open
now youll all know that im pinned
claiming i only want sex again
but falling apart when youre next to me
naked crashed out,
haha i made you sleepy
but stay awake
and talk to me

i need you more now
as our anatomy meets
saying im careless
but i need it
more than i ever did
i left as i saw the decaying bits
realized hes wasting time on someone already dead

nothing gets so bad....

i miss memories of cuddling you sweetly
girls smell so pretty
and long hair in my face
tickling my nose
trying to retrace....
my knee between your legs
begging for you to respond
in a way i will not be bound
ive crossed you off now

and i miss the train tracks
frostbite and rocks digging into my back
but loving how comfortable i felt with what i lack
when i knew exactly what i had
and how little effort it could take
to make everything alright
any night
i gave up late

i could sit inches close
feeling the wind around my brain
autumn air burned away
alcohol ingested to dull the pain
knowing then i could reach out and touch it
seconds today
and years to decay

i didnt know i could be hated for what i want
begging for some empathy
but responded angrily
because im selfish
to consider death
when its all ive ever wanted

all the wrong things on fire

you make it like world war 3
pushing and pulling on fraying strings
leave me wondering what you expected from me
you cant be honest and i drag my feet

im struggling to find the light
covering myself when i blink
and every movement slight
holding everything back
so i can struggle to write

half naked,
but begging you to tell me
i mean more than i said all i want to be
a warm body for your empty sheets
didnt realize id find that so troubling
stupid to think i could detach the feelings

i didnt know you well enough
still dont
idealizing what i meant to you
and what it meant when you told me what you missed
hearing in your past all these lovely promises
when i should have just been jaded

youre too open for it to have meant anything
and im too embarrassed to admit im pinned

but maybe this is what i needed
justifying heartbreak as another writers chore
recognizing im just some blurred memory
of thinking with the wrong body part
and when im feeling really shitty
i tell myself you werent thinking at all
some encouragement to net the fall

still place my hands past your ribcage

because i dont get how you have any right to be mad
i was misplaced
whether upon my own doing
or because you put me there
and maybe you forgot
or changed your mind
but never clued me in
cause 'fuck you; i was only fucking you'
didnt seem to rhyme

but let this be known
i wasnt expecting coffee in your bed
or mine
i didnt want to spend the night
i didnt expect anything
i was caught off guard
and confused by your guard
and by every intention
because "we'll see how this goes"
doesnt let anyone win

and when i was hurt
i know it wasnt my fault
because you led me in
to where lines blur
and i wasn't mistaken
in thinking i was more
and put more emphasis
than what was actually bore

refuge

three months and im still getting the hang of this
remembering when i held my feelings in
before you could give me the spins

ive never felt so loved or in love
at first feeling uncomfortable
nervous to tell you a week in
but now comfortably lived with
not soon after,
id never be the same again
and at the same time i still get butterflies
when i see those eyes i swim in
you are more than i could ever imagine

i still miss you
in between the few hours we're apart
begging for it to end
hating having to imagine your arms

i still want you wrapped around me
even as im suffocating
begging for some sleep
but finding it difficult
without you beside me
it takes me hours in bed
i cant ever rest
cuddling air where you should be
daydreaming repetitions when you say you love me

im stumbling over fragmented sentences
hoping you can make sense of this

Im wishing I could read you my poetry again
missing home
for some comfort or material things
whichever seems more me

or maybe its my creative peak
begging for cerulean edge
pretending i could speak
but distance makes a disaster of me
i tried holding on to changing things
and i remember what i said regretfully

ive held sheets over my head
so long i suffocate my bed
i cant keep a promise before i make a new one
this time, no, this time im done

i was reminded yesterday that im not over it
how  can i be?
remembering nights i was held to sleep
cradled by someone who prefers the streets
to loving anyone else
but himself

im not my sister
shouting " i love anyone who needs me"
not that i mean that negatively
and im more unlike someone who ignores the situation totally
and i dont mean that negatively
id prefer it sometimes
when i forget to rhyme

i need a new back bone though
because im not okay
mine leads me astray
fooling me with false understanding
until i saw him standing

first day of my life

why is it so easy to list our negatives
and so hard to admit we're more than them?

im crazy about you

but im begging to resist the urge to open up
feeling as inadequate with you as you did her
wishing it would end before i get any deeper
but knowing better,
you dive deeper than anyone before

or im hoping its just a side effect of being lonely so long
hoping it will end sooner than later
but wondering what good that will do now
aside from prove my instincts wrong

but continuing this poetry only a couple of weeks later
i realize now im a pessimist
so quick to claim that im not worth it
but you make me feel like im the best there is

ive never been so sure
counting down hours until i see you again
because every moment spent
ive never been so comfortable in my own skin

stock piling memories of you being so perfect
thinking back now and realizing karma did its best
it closed all those windows
so when it opened the door
you were on the other side of it
hugging me tighter than the night we first met
im so happy just laying in your bed

falling deeper with every word said
"i could wake up every morning with you like this"

i was young enough, i still believed in war

cuddling close when i dont know what to say
because you leave me breathless and scared to death
moving faster than the decay
your movements mimic mine
hoping im more than passing time
but always feeling reassured when you look at me

i disregarded differences before
believing opposites attract
but your magnetism means more
i sent you songs
and you sang along
feeling complete as if you wrote the trapeze swinger for me

but less than a week terrifies me
always unsure of myself
too tempted to forget my past
when im thinking you could last
and always wondering if im diving in before the water is warm
afraid i'll leave empty handed
or with less than i had when i jumped in

im terrified of opening up
but comfortable when you match my ferocity
and hearing about your family
i feel comfortable when you lay next to me
blurring lines
placed after defeat
i feel like with you, i could sleep

laid out for tonight

im not thick skin draped over broken bones. i still get ahead of myself, stupid believing in myself, stupid ideas of having better judgement. im not invincible; i cant dance barefoot in poison ivy and not leave red. i cannot rise to the occasion. im still proud i can get out of bed on occasion.
i still bite my bottom lip, pulling off dead skin with my teeth. thinking they were left chapped in the winter, but you cant pull it out like a splinter.
i still have to curl my fingers and force them to behave- stupid to think i left my writers block along with my loneliness. but realizing pulling my legs up is only a sulking mechanism- im not passed it. okay with staying stationary. thinking a valid response is filling myself with negativity.
i never know what you mean. they say pictures are worth a thousand words, but i never know what to say.
or maybe im just begging you to mean something. getting caught in distance instead of my heart. my head is further invested. i only like you because the idea is not legitimate.
you said exactly what id hoped you would. that its not likely, knowing if i wanted anything else, that would be unlike me.
but i have to be a bitch and hide from any promises. trying to find the strength ti apologize for my defense mechanism. but that would mean ive grown up or that i like you more than i should.
its just youve held my interest longer than expected. i thought id chosen the perfect target to share a drunken bed with but only now its more complicated. normally its all or nothing.... but with you, i take what i can get

stoned and worthless

okay, so theres a disconnect. the problem really being in whether or not i planned it. and maybe i should spend more time putting semicolons there. not focusing on the ending before we're really beginning, but i have a problem with things being temporary. wanting to know where im at because i need to have my own back.
you say its been two months and im still a complete stranger, but i dont know what youre expecting from me. too much knowing im not enough. i cant open up like you want me too. i cant see you and pick up where my last thought out and perfectly constructed, typed up sentence ended.
complaining you dont know what im thinking when you cant see my face or how you unsteady my breathing. i cant speak freely, wanting you to know me but not the parts where im bleeding.
okay, so maybe not all of me. but i need to lead with what you need to see of me. i have to have time to arrange my cards. and i cant do that stumbling over words or grasping at strings.
to pretend to be indifferent is the best thing for me. i get ahead of myself too often and i dont want to do that again.

posing for your stilted visions

i dont know what to say. begging to let you know i feel the same way. that i get where youre coming from. hoping youll find the hints without me letting it in. maybe i feel more than i realized i did. it just hit a little different. or purely situational. the situation the same as what got your best. understanding how words can make a mess. maybe she didnt mean it. hoping silence will be proof, confused when our lovers act aloof.
she said that i proved a difference, claiming there was something more than indifference, but me knowing we just lack the same stubbornness- probably where you will see how i got out of it. proving i can conceal enough to seem healed. saying its been six years running with no solution to yield. or that unlike you, i have a strong desire to do anything to make everyone happy, but myself. i like to be unhappy. its comfortable. and i can only look up when there's nothing else to lose.
it was only more proof that honesty fucks us, but in the same breath helps us realize what we need and what or who we dont. it will probably help in the long run. i saw something i probably wouldnt have if it hadnt happened, or i would have just stayed; dealing with feeling battered for something out of my control. she said i was making excuses. i asked her what she wanted. i would do anything just to appease her. just to leave. i didnt mean to skip over. i just thought that part was over.
and she said that was something out of her control- that she was bound by obligation, but i was bound by betrayal- only feeling more alone than i should with someone who was getting paid. she could have at least faked it. and i was tied to that chair, not knowing what to do considering if i was done, she was the one who got through. feeling as if i couldnt win. scared there was nowhere else i fit.
i was fine. the hour wait only fueled my hate. i know myself. i know what im capable of. or more importantly, what i am not. but the thing is, the answer was so simple and so obvious. she wasnt bound by anything. she had nothing to lose. i'm fine to the extent that i really can be.

"feeling more but feeling lost" 12/9/13

i keep getting hung up on who i thought you would be
but thats the thing-
the sun doesnt always shine in the right places
displays one, but not the dirtiest of faces

hands too cold for your story to be told
loved you once when i was feeling bold
because alcohol had my feelings mold

i was told the scars mean something
but whether or not it was for me
youre not nearly half what i thought you should be

i wanted to get deep
but whether its because past leaves you unkempt
or im not worth the time spent
im still not near enough for you to give in

i always feel like im standing on the opposite side of the street
looking in, but feeling beat
and though i know who i am
im still too young to know where to stand

i dont want to call it a drunken mistake
but feelings lagging are feelings without backing
but everything which happened make way for feelings of hatred
not that i care if you love me
id be okay if you faked it

bedroom eyes 11/17/13

i know im leaving
and its only been a month
although far unlikely
i hope you like me

though the depth is still lacking
i feel like you could understand me
i put myself out there
although not forwardly
i want you to know i'll miss you

i was worried before
about time being wasted
and though its something i hated
i realized it was the truth
i moved too slow
to tell you what i want you to know

that i like you
despite what i mean
despite that i lost my bearings
i like the possibility

its not something i choose to admit
god, trust me
its done a lot of damage
more than i can handle
but less of what id rather

home has this sick after-taste
when i told everyone
what it meant to be free
i realized that the chance is unlikely
with chains still tied around me
who i said i wouldn't be
i should have returned with "probably"

i hate the thought of what they'll say to me
they knew i wasn't strong enough
and that they knew i wasn't so tough
but to say that they would be wrong
is a vast understatement to this all

maybe thats why im going back
recognizing more
that this place uncovered
what i hate that i lack

she said she thought it was mature
not knowing that i lied to get more
although never got to why the skin was tore
pointing out whats wrong
but not hearing enough
to know just how much

she said she saw it was piled on
that though i can deal with it
she would hate what it did
when everything i said lined up
pinned against a wall
the sick timeline
cognizant of what it meant to fall

what it meant i lacked
when i was brought back

overwhelming awareness

justifying we're just two different people
filtering what you say
begging my heart to flutter
but it doesnt the right way

burning for evidence
im not totally heartless
just some concealed mess
hoping you'll find the purpose
or if im using you

as a recreational drug
or someone to get my mind off
someone who fucked me over
im not supposed to love her
or another aid in getting off
that was really the same as number two....

i just liked the way it sounds....
as if i was stronger

i harbor resentment
probably against the wrong person
claiming she took my focus away
knowing better
she never even filled the space

really i was sluggish
and unsure
while he knew his place
self-aggrandizing
with the wedges he makes

again the resentment misplaced
saying i hate getting drunk
but its because of the person it wakes
an honest version of me

drunken courage id rather hide away
claiming things id rather not say
and despite the fact that you know
i still feel my heart is caged

so maybe thats why i cant move
claiming ive made so many feats
just need time to get on my feet...
pretending i'm past it

but im so stuck
and maybe im trying to change you
because i think i can change if you do

typical stoned 18 year old

i wonder if youre focusing on all of the differences
let them spite me
where i fit in
and where i dont
i focus on idealizing things
trying to misplace the real feelings
i know im not who you want me to be

begging for you to change the things which dont suit
purging all i built up
for empty promises that will make me believe
i will be redeemed for staying mute

but i let the spaces in between tear me up
geared to skip
appearing where you let
i know im not enough

but i make people who dont even know me
influence how much i think i mean
posing like a mannequin
but manically recognizing i dont have the muscle span

its too easy to wrap my heart around
this idea i think you demand
but knowing better
ill seem desperate
being honest
ill try to be anything you've ever wanted

i'll turn the volume down
and hope the fuzz doesnt follow
and i'll change my mind on former passions
my eyes could rest
the white light blurred my mind out anyway at best
and it let my heart get ahead
some stupid misfortune
understandably coming from the territory
of an eighteen year old girl
burning to let words have a turn

its everything i shouldn't be anyway
another thing i base my self worth on
an ability which should be taken away from me
always voting for the other team

0203

just some variation
or wishful thinking i'll be less fucked
and idealizing this isnt a wave
its all my choice to be crushed

i swear i keep making that same mistake
as if you wouldnt believe me
if it was anything else i wouldnt like to admit
well, you wouldn't hear me screaming

and i check every day
idealizing there will be a change
but i dont know if i want it for you or for me
trying to convince myself otherwise
but knowing better i convince selfishly

and i find myself begging for last summer
but banging my head against the wall
because im not who you want anymore
and im not who i want anymore
recognizing my journey was fruitless
and being reckless
cut my heart into a mess

tempted to make symbolic material things
dying in consideration
i gave it all away frivolously
slanted the importance
of someone who wanted me not just to want something

i wonder if thats what im doing
i like to say im self-aware
but carelessly wrecking a love too fair

and in a race to win the affection of someone unlikely
and prove what?
to follow through is far unlike me

its just
fingertips meant more when they were yours
touches slight enough
to stay behind lines i bore

and i dont know if i want to drink
because genetics crossed the lines you didnt
or if im searching for the same feelings you give
thinking i can recreate everything
maybe bodies the difference
but knowing more
im desperate to think it will fit

i know its different

do you still write?

wondering why i thought this would get me anywhere
putting on pressure
its not the time or the place

holding onto things im not meant to be
wondering now if i should have moved differently
or if that would have changed anything
begging for a representation of feelings again
went about it in a way i couldn't win

and wondering now if you were trying
to dig deeper
or just make sure
i was honest
when i said i was fine
i know girls lie
but i meant it at the time

but this is how it always ends
me stabbing myself in the back
knowing, only after, what i cant have
that is who i want to be
bedroom eyes encompassing

i dont know why i bother writing
burning to explain
but turning up empty
a lack of satisfactory

or why i'm writing to you
as if you'll ever get it
some lame excuse to throw a fit
i told you
blurring out the honest bits
exaggerating for more effect

all i really want is a chance
pieces shining through
though im nothing like you

puppy dog or wide eyed
eyes shimmering
a lot like the last time

i throw it all away
too quickly
not knowing how to connect any differently

and wanting too much to appease the audience
a lacking in trust
shows where my heart has been bent
and even more
where its been spent
i can feel it in my stomach

rationalizing
its about time
cutting for the bold me
knowing now
it wasnt worth a thing
swallowing hard as you tell me
regretting who i said you were to me
knowing now you were far too sweet

and biting my tongue between my teeth
thinking, but never speaking
i dont say enough
only barely there
and out of touch

i know its something i said i hated
that awkwardness
claims my heart be jaded
and while i am
id like to start again
i said i dont play games
but i want to win
go forth and honest
where ive never been

daysleeper// people who are toys:

cant make my mind up
long enough to stay undressed
promising to compromise
but knowing better than to.

feeding into lines

and in some headache
causing a wreck
disheveled but awake

everything is not how i thought it would be
in neat little boxes
abiding lines
and just what their mother taught them to mean

swallowing hard
and checking the time constantly
let it confuse the rhythm of my fingertips
drumming not so patiently
the desire to feel something
aka distort every surface of my body

but bodies intertwined
let my body unwind

she calls it an intimate understatement
just a little misspelled
she likes making it harder for me to tell
but its probably just a little mistake
like grammar inconsistencies
little notes where i'd tease
wondering if she was talking about me
saying i inspired her
but knowing better
im not the one who does anymore

daydreaming
one day, i'll be more
he doesnt write enough
and theres a lacking in promises
let it scatter all my plans
i wont ever be more than

and i'll spend all day in bed
sleep talking about things i'll do
when i finally get through
reminding myself of habits i hated
genetics cause my heart belated

crawling back into where i thought i got passed
should have learned last night
im going nowhere fast

things i do to (narrowly) avoid getting stuck

like teeth grinding together
i come to a halt
when im not who i want
fingers stuck on caps lock
telling me to scream
at the computer screen
but knowing
unfortunately better.
that wont do a thing

and i was honest
something i usually refrain from
or narrowly avoid
because i dont like being a toy
responded with indifference
the lack of understanding
like what i said
had no backing

but im stuck
less like a train wreck
not knowing where my head fled
or what to do with whats left
taking my emotions for face value
though what i can say is lacking in value
wondering if when i speak
it will mean more
because its not a familiar thing
or less
because no one's sure what can be trusted

but i dont know what matters more
the proof being in the promise
we'll see how it ends
or if it doesn't
or if what i said could be misconstrued
i meant it
no less
and if you want to idealize more
i wont stop you
but i won't lie and say youre right
just compromise on what i said at the time

still,
my heart feels sick
almost as if
i let go of something i wanted
or put myself out on line
lying i would be alright
im not
just mesmerized with the lacking in tendencies
for less than a couple of weeks

i was so proud
stupidly
forgetting the facts:
addiction gets the best of me

too weak in the mind

lying sideways
and head propped though its a nuisance
im pressing hard
trying to make head-way
but thoughts locked in a clear case
its a nuisance

i am not what the pictures say
or maybe i am
boil it down to the surfaces of my skin
and curves that mean more than
they say pictures are worth a thousand words

and pulling the covers up
trying to cover skin
as if i care who sees in
thats not a problem
pulling the covers up
trapping myself
holding my breath
and avoiding the light being let in
through my somewhat
or makeshift marrakesh curtain
it never occurred

im writing differently
in some sad attempt to seem absolute
ridiculous still bound by
someone else's truth
still bound by
not cutting so he couldnt see me
a prison
becoming stricter
when i placed the scars so no one could see me
its all a nuisance
bottoms drop out
and the scissors come for blood shedding vengeance
i dont care enough
to stop it
or to let in
feel the need to sleep on it

but also recognize old tendencies
are tomorrow's fantasies
i know better
or i dont care
but rolling my eyes at the time
wondering if i'll be cured
or only feel slightly alright
either is true
not concerning myself
with feeling less abused
i know i should give up
but not enough to make an active effort
i enjoy embarrassing myself

shaking my teeth loose on your table

and just to reiterate im not who you want me to be

in idealizing, you tore to shreds every honest piece

you only take what you want and spill all the rest

claiming it was a mistake while i plead no contest

but you dont know what you said
between hardly buzzed words
it fucked all my plans
wanting to leave the strings unattached
but finding i'll only be damned
because i cant help but to feel bad

so i warned him
a prerequisite
before i could get what i wanted
asking where you were close
and receiving confirmation
you dont know what youre thinking

stumbling over ideas of me
not seeing the bleeding
or for future projections
where you'll be bending
knowing im not who you want to be
careless is fair bliss
until youre knocking on my door at 3am
and i wont let you in

sleeping in a new bed seems so ideal
but im too young and cynical
to reciprocate how you feel
i have crushes
but none which last any more than a month

so heres where i draw comparisons
knowing without back up information
i'll never win
he asked me if i was just going to sleep with him then bail
the honest answer would have been yes and no
i am who you want until i get home
it probably made him question then what he wanted when he fell
it wasnt me
changing plans to fit the scenery
drunk at two a.m and calling

and again when he said it wasnt right
i was seventeen and drunk
and memories last more than one night
telling me he was leaving in less than a month
but i am careless
some sort of proof he doesnt know me well enough

so here's where you draw conclusions
recognizing the tendencies
and that theres no room for you to mark territories
noticing scars only under bright light
and water hot enough to burn the skin right
bring the old sentiment to the boiling surface
white lines covering legs at night

i know not enough to move forward yet
understand not enough
to say i know what i wanted
im not pristine like baby skin
and i cant cover enough to let you in