0203

just some variation
or wishful thinking i'll be less fucked
and idealizing this isnt a wave
its all my choice to be crushed

i swear i keep making that same mistake
as if you wouldnt believe me
if it was anything else i wouldnt like to admit
well, you wouldn't hear me screaming

and i check every day
idealizing there will be a change
but i dont know if i want it for you or for me
trying to convince myself otherwise
but knowing better i convince selfishly

and i find myself begging for last summer
but banging my head against the wall
because im not who you want anymore
and im not who i want anymore
recognizing my journey was fruitless
and being reckless
cut my heart into a mess

tempted to make symbolic material things
dying in consideration
i gave it all away frivolously
slanted the importance
of someone who wanted me not just to want something

i wonder if thats what im doing
i like to say im self-aware
but carelessly wrecking a love too fair

and in a race to win the affection of someone unlikely
and prove what?
to follow through is far unlike me

its just
fingertips meant more when they were yours
touches slight enough
to stay behind lines i bore

and i dont know if i want to drink
because genetics crossed the lines you didnt
or if im searching for the same feelings you give
thinking i can recreate everything
maybe bodies the difference
but knowing more
im desperate to think it will fit