things i do to (narrowly) avoid getting stuck

like teeth grinding together
i come to a halt
when im not who i want
fingers stuck on caps lock
telling me to scream
at the computer screen
but knowing
unfortunately better.
that wont do a thing

and i was honest
something i usually refrain from
or narrowly avoid
because i dont like being a toy
responded with indifference
the lack of understanding
like what i said
had no backing

but im stuck
less like a train wreck
not knowing where my head fled
or what to do with whats left
taking my emotions for face value
though what i can say is lacking in value
wondering if when i speak
it will mean more
because its not a familiar thing
or less
because no one's sure what can be trusted

but i dont know what matters more
the proof being in the promise
we'll see how it ends
or if it doesn't
or if what i said could be misconstrued
i meant it
no less
and if you want to idealize more
i wont stop you
but i won't lie and say youre right
just compromise on what i said at the time

still,
my heart feels sick
almost as if
i let go of something i wanted
or put myself out on line
lying i would be alright
im not
just mesmerized with the lacking in tendencies
for less than a couple of weeks

i was so proud
stupidly
forgetting the facts:
addiction gets the best of me