i know its different

do you still write?

wondering why i thought this would get me anywhere
putting on pressure
its not the time or the place

holding onto things im not meant to be
wondering now if i should have moved differently
or if that would have changed anything
begging for a representation of feelings again
went about it in a way i couldn't win

and wondering now if you were trying
to dig deeper
or just make sure
i was honest
when i said i was fine
i know girls lie
but i meant it at the time

but this is how it always ends
me stabbing myself in the back
knowing, only after, what i cant have
that is who i want to be
bedroom eyes encompassing

i dont know why i bother writing
burning to explain
but turning up empty
a lack of satisfactory

or why i'm writing to you
as if you'll ever get it
some lame excuse to throw a fit
i told you
blurring out the honest bits
exaggerating for more effect

all i really want is a chance
pieces shining through
though im nothing like you

puppy dog or wide eyed
eyes shimmering
a lot like the last time

i throw it all away
too quickly
not knowing how to connect any differently

and wanting too much to appease the audience
a lacking in trust
shows where my heart has been bent
and even more
where its been spent
i can feel it in my stomach

rationalizing
its about time
cutting for the bold me
knowing now
it wasnt worth a thing
swallowing hard as you tell me
regretting who i said you were to me
knowing now you were far too sweet

and biting my tongue between my teeth
thinking, but never speaking
i dont say enough
only barely there
and out of touch

i know its something i said i hated
that awkwardness
claims my heart be jaded
and while i am
id like to start again
i said i dont play games
but i want to win
go forth and honest
where ive never been