thats not perfection, thats desperation

and it sucks
but the fact of the matter is
we think the way we hurt ourselves is so different
but its all the same.

our hearts heal like our wrists
taking too god damn long
and show exactly what went wrong
in our fucked up songs

then we follow
our family tree
addiction to loving things and people
who fuck us over runs in the genes

and it annoys me
my attachment to people who it hurts to be
the desire to feel something
clouding my judgement

i fall in love too easily
so i have to hold myself back
from feeling something totally normal
to keep myself from getting hurt

bedroom talk

Have you ever wondered if this is enough?

You mean us?

No. I mean all of this. All of what we're doing, what we're seeing, who we're being. You know, is it enough?When we meet whoever where ever the imperial kingdom is, will they look at our resume and allow us to go through or will they tilt their head with this sad, confused expression on their faces wondering what we did with all our years? Is this enough to get us a pass through or will we be turned away?

I don't know. Is it enough for you? Do you expect to continue on in this purgatory state of 16? Or do you believe you will do something great? You know we're not stuck in limbo, right? We can do whatever the hell we want.

I'd like to. I don't think I can.

Wait, what do you believe is great? Greatness is not impossible to achieve. Its not relegated to winning a Nobel Peace Prize or curing cancer, you know. Greatness is in the heart and its the little things you do which touches the heart. Like every time you tell someone you love them, you touch their heart. And that's enough, isn't it? Its enough for them, for me, and for the majesty of the imperial kingdom. Is it not enough for you? You're enough for me.

I don't if that's enough though. I mean its nice to think about, but how can it be so simple? How can what I feel mean so much? I've gone through life believing it meant nothing and that I was nothing. Now you're telling me I'm something? Isn't it a little late?

Well, how much longer are you planning on living? I don't think it'll ever be too late to be told you're meant something. I mean, look at Pablo Picasso, hes a genius; and it sucks that no one realized that while he was alive, but they have now. And that's okay. A lot of stuff sucks, but at some point the stuff starts sucking less and then its all okay. You always do this, so stuck in the future.

Yeah, its okay now, but I'm going to remember yesterday when it wasn't. And that hurts. So what am I supposed to do about that?

Let it go.

now you feel just like a ghost

pulling at strings

to find use in the things

i used to die for

it used to hurt more

the lacking

in your words that had no backing

and my words which never meant a thing

but shadows hide desperate things

when we take off our engagement rings

and sleep where we're not meant to be

it all used to matter

back before these hearts were shattered

but i used to miss it

wonder where we couldve been

if we had never ended it

but today i was only pissed

thinking about everything you did

and all i gave in

for someone who never meant it

when he said he loved me

only to say it to his ex again

yeah, i say fuck it

like you fucked my innocence

then claimed i lied about my virginity

and my being faithful

when i was the only one of us

but i was a fool

not eating hardly anything
to achieve your disgusting perception
of beautiful

the things we remember and the things that dont hurt anymore

where did you go?
i didnt know you were something to miss
but i still feel like i lose

its been hours
but then its been days
trying to get to the point of replace

trying to get to where i can erase

and its weird
so different from where i thought id be
anchoring myself at sea

never thought you could make me fall apart
i miss all of this
though i dont remember most

i remember the important parts

like peppermints sticks
and short visits
wishing i could stay

but lives are like stars
the decay
and my heart breaks away

every time i hear someone say

she doesnt really care
because she wasnt here today.

all that i am made of

fuck coloring inside the lines
ive seen beauty that intertwines.

and i hate the way we hide
behind sleazy doors and closed hotel blinds
and the way we fake like we dont care
when you know for damn sure i do.

but i like the way my hands still shake around you
like im cold, but you dont know
then the butterflies erupt
when you speak and my thoughts corrupt

yeah, i understand
but for once i wish i didnt
and i wish i didnt care
but this just isnt fair

waiting on texts
that show me you care
just so you can be distant
when youre right there

but this is what i get for damning myself
to love someone before i love myself
but the idea was just so great
and the feeling of my heart rate

but now youre turning into someone i hate
leading me on to break my heart
telling me you like me
then watching me fall apart

its been a while, but i still feel the same

You can be detached so long that when things start falling apart, all of the real love you feel, starts finally falling together.
And that's why I cant sleep tonight. I'm not crying because you're alone. I'm crying because you're not anymore.
But that's the point, right? To find your bliss and to be happy again when the only thing you've wanted for years was to be with her.
Well, there you go. And although it sucks for me and for all those people who love you, its really great you are where you want to be.
I just wish I got the chance to say what I meant to since the beginning and that is that I'm sorry.
I recognize I have a habit of falling through the spaces between, the distance in miles, and the reception of the calls I could've made, but never did due to the fact that I had the incredibly ridiculous idea that I lacked the ability to procrastinate was only a mere deception.
Also I have recently realized I punished you a little bit for things which neither of us could have ever controlled and that we have both died loving someone who cant control himself yet we never regretted it.
I guess that was a defect in our hearts which we shared.
Again, though, the distance steals memories and it hurts. But I'm not sure what hurts more, wondering if my heart is in the right place or if its the way I curse myself for not telling you everything I needed to say when you could still hear it.
I've been meaning to call you for a couple of months. I know I never got to it and I hate myself for it. But I wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and her, and that for the first time since her death, I cried over her. Over the amazing memories I have with her. Over how much I've missed being able to rely on her when your son wasn't around.
Then I thought about you. Always in the background, but always around. The smell of your coffee at the breakfast table and the way the paper covered your face. And the way you kept my poetry though I was just a baby finding her way. Still writing about love, not realizing the way things fade.
I guess I just really want you to know, that I lied before. When angels forget how to fly, when its twenty below zero on the fourth of July, when violets are red, and roses are blue, I will never stop loving you.

the things we get caught up in (and the things we lack)

i remember when words meant something
not when we held on for fear of letting go
but because we wanted to
when we said what we meant
because honesty never led to secrets or regrets

but now we're talking shit
smiling at faces
only to turn around and stab them in the back
im not really sure what it is
the desire to fit in where we're not wanted

and i can say it makes me sick
but we all know what the truth is
i make promises more than anyone else
only to fuck them
and ill steal your heart and run away with it
telling you i love you as i take it

ask me where ive been
and how i feel about that
as i pour out all the heart that i lack
because honesty is a burden
the only thing we could handle
and make god damn sure you hurt us

im not sorry
i love you less
when we used to get twisted up in beautiful arguments
and i cant wait to have you over for christmas
because i cant wait to show you i meant it
i never want to see your face again

fuck this hell; you make my heart swell

its cold in hell
as they gather around in circles
with stories to tell
huddled around a fire pit of bodies

talking about how they were nobody
but it doesnt mean a thing
when they cry over tan lines
replacing diamond rings

but the worst part
is on sundays
pulling out of the ground
to continue their old ways

devil said "now that youre here,
theres no time for change
you wasted it all
as you wasted away"

four stanzas dont show you how i feel
locked up in this hell
as if it were real
but then i pull me back

and theres nothing to tell
thats where the pain swells
when there are no words
to explain how we felt

damned to hell
because i could do nothing well

i chose to feel it and you couldnt choose

i dont see the difference
but my heart sure does
i keep changing my mind
so often, i lose who i was

i cant shake the feeling, though
that it will all be fine
that the words i lack now
will all find their rhyme

i keep writing
hoping it will mean something
that when i smile again
i will still be breathing

right now
it doesnt seem like thats the case
headlights blinding me
slowing down the pace

cause we're living the dream

but i still have my doubts
swirling and spinning in my head
causing a tornado with my thoughts

i dont know what you want from me
after clipping a baby's angel wings
claiming that i couldnt sing

and what i say doesnt mean a thing
i cant believe how long it took me
to realize youre a liar

through your words which sting
and that its really not me
whose lacking

but rather, the one who suffocates me
and my dreams
and the idea of beauty

like ocean waves
ill find my way
no matter what you say

ill bet my ignorance is bliss

the paintings on the walls lie
depicting happiness
as if i could have made them

the colors flowing into the night sky
fuck van gogh
and fuck wanting to go

now that this is real
im scared of what i think
so scared of what happens when i blink

is it all moving too fast?
holding still
trying to remain steadfast

but does that really change what i feel?
breaking down
making my heart ill

given the chance
i dont know what decision ill make
when i fall through

or draw blanks
wondering what heartbreak i will make
and i dont know what ill say

when it comes time
to turn myself in
or just stay

give up
and pass away

the beauty in believing what you want

what is this madness
affectionately referred to as happiness

but i leave lines empty
to lie between
though i fucking hate the space between

my heart and my head
they never make sense
when i fall through my only defense

the thing about this is
you can fall in love again
while i believe in
it still hurts, even when you win

but thats assuming
we can end
hoping we can pick up
where my heart bends

while i hope you meant it
i can tell youre not in it
and we can fall apart
ill break the pieces myself

and pretend as if
they only fell from the shelf
i want to mention again
i hate those hours in between

when theres too much time to stay awake
but theres not enough to sleep
so i sit in my bed
counting the days i dont eat

tallying
like cuts on my wrists
but admiring the spaces in between

victory for those who leave

cant get out of bed
moving back and forth inside my head

and i keep erasing my thoughts
wondering when ill get where i want
or why i am alone
breaking every single bone

trying to get to my heart
where the fracture began
where i call the start
and its a line

but it blurs
somewhere between
"i love you's"
and the curves

of bodies intertwined
the idea of you and mine
trying to get back to that feeling
of loving and losing and longing

the feelings that are haunting
what keeps me up until 4am
open and broken
and lying

yeah, i lied
but you said id be alright.
and im not
so how is everything fine?

telling you i love you in the best way that i can

stars on the mountain tops
stars in your eyes
i cant tell you i love you
as i struggle with goodbye

i know what you want
i cant get it out of my head
and i hate so fucking much
replaying what you just said

and im not sorry
i dont agree
saying that you love me
but goodbye is the best thing

fuck that
i know what you mean
you dont love me
because i cant give you everything

and i dont where to start
giving everything i have
just to fall apart

when walls we build up
burden us and hurt us
where does that leave me?
back at the beginning?

of falling in love
and fucking up
when i love you so much
but youre out of touch

bloo

your unsuccessful attempt to rope me back in was just that, a tragic failure to make me feel something you had- loss.
somehow, i dont feel much these days. ive returned back to my old days of compromise with my sullen loneliness. i hardly ever cry. i sleep alone. im okay. so while you reach realizations and come to conclusions that we both messed up and you would rather have some of me than none at all, just don't try to drag me in. it wont work. ive made up my mind.
have you already forgotten? i tried to reconcile the pain. i apologized over and over again, but you were too blind to realize that was all i could do. there was nothing else i could give you. i was never any less than honest with you. i gave you what i could and all you gave in return at the end was bitterness over something i could not control- my heart.
i cried for days. wondering if my decision was the right one. i recognized it was snap and i used a stupid disagreement as the catalyst to heartbreaking emptiness, but i never changed my mind. telling you i loved you was the worst decision i have ever made. im going to be honest. i never felt that way. and all those kisses were a mistake.
but even now, ive given you the chance i don't believe you deserve. something in which i have already realized will break me. i hate me more than you. but i guess you changed your mind- what you hold against me...

someone who understands you more than i do

i have everything i need to say
its all lined up in my head
and i cant keep it away
holding it in my bed

i know ive formed a habit
of loving things and people i dont understand
finding beauty in the fact that
i dont know where i stand

and i can forget
thats the idea, isnt it?
and i can regret it
yeah, just give me a little bit

tell me youll see me after christmas
something to look forward to
in a future
where i get over this

where i dont hate myself
for falling in love again
fuck this shit
i dont even remember what he did.

i knew i would forget

when you think about things
turning over in your head
and i suffer over things
i know that i lack

theres no way to be honest
is there?
when everything we say to ourselves
is a faulty promise

saying we're beyond this
when did i become unplugged?
i dont want to talk about it
cause i say we're fucked

and i knew i would forget
miss out on my last chance
to tell you merry christmas
and i miss this

but angels never grant wishes
stealing hearts
because they belong to them
because theyre all bitches

im sorry about the phone call
i never made
always found myself busy
always made it delayed

not realizing i wouldnt get another day
i miss the way
we shared peppermint sticks
and light hugs followed by best of wishes

and im sorry
i havent cried yet
ive tried
but it doesnt feel right yet

coffee and rain

i dont know what you want from me
hiding out
cutting my own wrists for me

and i know youre miles away by now
you always leave
so just in case you change your mind
dont do it for me

they keep saying they want to make plans
with you and for you
pulling strings for more of you

not realizing what they have
is all theyll get
its heartbreak
and its madness

the kind of brokenness
a child should never
grow up in

though you caused this
i want nothing from you
before you break it
im tired of you faking it

and say you want to stay
though it hurts like hell
you know youll be okay

and everything going to be alright
right?
we'll make it through today
and every other night

yeah, that was your first lie.

goodbye.

the more i think about it
the more im pissed
im not stupid
and im not ignorant

while you lied about coming sober
youre a catalyst
going back to months ago
where i said fuck it

i want to say it again
in case you dont remember it
i fucking hate what you did
and how you act like a kid

throwing fits
because i dont feel the same way?
realizing everything you touch
turns to decay

yet your the one thats okay?

relapse

cant get passed my past
forgot what things we mask

when i cant even cry here
it doesnt feel safe
cant get past this fear
that i cant keep myself safe

this music reminds me of everything i hate
the fact that i agree with everything they say
and i know im not okay
theres no doubt about that

but the question is to stay?
the fact that the answer isnt obvious
leaves my heart delayed

and they thought i was lying
could i prove otherwise by dying?

would that make a difference
or is everything still okay?

I'll show you what I mean. Family doesnt mean a thing

cant spill a word in my head
without pissing you off instead

just listen to me
watch me show you
everythings only surface pretty

and i fucking hate these things
which break you down
and make you bleed

but even worse,
i hate you for me

the way you think
everything means nothing to me

we're only surface pretty
we're only skin deep

but i cant tell you the truth
assuming i blame the worst on you
and i know its nothing you can control
doing everything in your power to be the one to hold

while you keep me on hold
only being able to beat around the bush
not fall through

the words only fall through
what i can really tell you

im stressed as hell
trying to get out of this hell
shallow breath keeping my finger tips
from skimming the surface

but its isnt worth this
you asked me why i want to leave
wondering what really got the best of me

believing you could anchor
when youre really pushing me out to sea.

hope it hurts

cause you love me more

i keep holding down strings
only to forget what they mean
and struggling to remember
last december

i wont miss the winter

when everything dies
reiterating how fast this time flies
and all the stupid goodbyes
that wont mean anything tonight

really,

im ready to cut the strings
forget about all the old things
six years dont mean a thing
when we cut fingers with golden rings

and im so ready

to get this over with
fuck the puzzle;
nothing fits
and im so over it

she keeps saying

"this is home"
but to who?
i left it spotless
like brand new

maybe to you

and i want it to be too
but i just cant give this
crimson stained nightmare
anything to miss

we like wars

we like stars
in our hearts
we're made of

we made it up
those comets
never calmed us

and that which was hard for us
hardened us
we hated us

hated what became of this
watched those shooting stars
and made a wish

i wanna get over it
forget what we did
i want to end this sentence

the past we sit in
get over it
and end it

i dropped all the stars from my arms
realizing why i hated them
the gold like your eyes

reminding me of every night
i spent alright
then came morning light

and i fucking hate that.
flashbacks
bringing my heart back

but you dont remember that
only what i lack
and i cant change the fact

that i cant say it back
i think i love you
but i cant be sure of that

over again

out of breath
still waiting for you to get the words that ive said
and they say theyve never seen you like this
so tired of losing that you're on your knees

but why does that bother me?
more than this illness thats plaguing me
more than the girl who built up walls for you to stand against
only to fall through on her defense

where are you?
when i only stand up to sit back down
always feeling ahead, yet keeping my mouth shut
he agreed; im smarter than i think

then you stole my brother
fucked over my sister
only to try to make a lover of my mother
still stuck on repeating my words as if this is the first

how many goodbyes does it take to get it right?
its ironic that without a father, ive made it alright

wanna train you... like machines do...

i guess things are getting to me
reminding myself that goodbye will be said in only a week
no more footprints in the sand
leaving memories where they land

we're forcing them
creating traditions for just tonight
oping to god the will make me remember you
for more than just a night

we have two more weeks
counting down
getting less sleep

will i miss you?
or rather more importantly
will i be missed?

will mistletoes last like kisses
on lips which fall through
on your greatest wishes

will six years be enough
to last six months?
to remind us to keep in touch?

will i remember to play your mix cds
as i starve myself
and watch myself bleed

will that happen to me again?
falling back into the way we used to be
will we remember this?

tell me how to fall in love the way you want me to

this december is not as cold as i remember
but it hurts
not being able to numb out the worst

we're making muffins
and sipping coffee
and talking about how deep we are

then we sit around
to paint our art
expressing how free we are

these golden chains
they freeze away
reiterating how clean we are

december is cold
but nobody knows
how thankful we are

with our bright pink nose
and chapped lips
i miss it