"and we see in the same eyes"

tell me what you want
too lost in what you dont say
to understand what you mean
when you speak words passive aggresively
will always love you cause youre lovely
but you cant speak up loud enough
and i can't make you hear me
four hundred miles apart
only barely too far
to leave anything to chance
to fall for a star

and that first night we kissed
it meant all too much
too much to say that you were something i couldnt miss
and why i told you it couldnt happen
so plaster me to the back of your mind
whatever we can do to buy some time
love you all too much to say i dont care
and even more that the distance doesnt wear

im sorry if you know what you shouldnt
that i broke a promise
some bond between us i normally wouldnt
and even more
i feel so awful doing it to him
but there are things out of our control
we can only try to mend
i tried to hold myself back
you should know every bit of the truth
that i love her
even though i love you

and i want you to know that i still draw smoke
imagine the same sort of halo
cast over you
like the night in the back of my car
ive told that story a million times since ive been here
and yet never too much
to say that that was when i truly and honestly fell in love with you
but the drunken part of me made me second guess what my heart believes
and then again when i read about your virginity
how you felt your last bit of sanctity ripping
it tore apart the seams
and fucked everything i wanted to be

i loved you then as i love you now
however fucking shallow
i think youre gorgeous
and i miss every piece of you
golden skin wrapped around me
even when i said i hated it
i loved how you held me when we slept
like you needed me
though at the time i disregarded you as a baby
i could never say i haven't loved you lately

and i cant say it doesnt bother me
that you think my little brother just as lovely
and how he thinks he holds some sort of claim over you
not knowing that i want you for me
and i dont want you to be happy for me
i want you to be happy with me
think youre lovely despite what it may seem
if everything i said to her made you question
when you said everything happened for a reason
and we're not meant to be together
but fuck that
i want you
however untrue it may seem
there are things i wanted to say
but they were too surprising
even for me

not allowed to be real

i guess i just liked the idea of you
some skewed perception of perfection

and now even with questions answered,
youre still leading me back to this
if it was all a plan
cause im doing what i can

though youre breaking your promises
from when you said youd break the mold
but your face was cold
like you were set in stone

and id rather leave my feelings alone
as if i wanna hear something heart wrenching
that theres no reason for me to feel this way
i dont want to know the true reason i caved

but you always pull me back
saying im pretty
and that you like me
but telling others that its not likely

are you doing this to spite me
not that i want you back
already had what i can have
even if it wasn't in the plan

every body on my body
cant leave me haunted
think youre gorgous
i got what i wanted

and you said you didnt mean to hurt anyone
but you didnt tell me
thought that i liked you
but thats not likely

now that i know the truth
found myself sitting alone in the booth
and you still say hey
trying to recall some sliver of feelings

if i feel anything
its not enough
to miss you
or to idealize us two

and it still pisses me off
acting like nothing happened
when i asked you straight up
cause i wasnt who i had been

too quiet to say what i meant
think youre lovely though you left me spent
i still haven't got the point across though
that i want you and youll never know

how we were

and maybe im not who i thought i was
though i cant seem to place the problem in it
we're not always who we thought we would be
but i think theres beauty in what we learn when we finally see

i forever wish i could write you the greatest love letter
but everything i can say seems weak or fake
.or belated
when i cant seem to find the words until the feeling has faded

i remember the last time we spoke
although a while ago
and memories choppy and spaced
i remember i asked you to tell me what you hated

it was a saturday night... i think...
you told me i was jaded
and i tried to explain it away
but failed... changed the subject; your heart is silver plated

i told you we like wars
with ourselves and with each other
most of the time, people would say i lose
but i dont know how i didnt win when i have the bruise

and i cant say im sorry
cause we're not all robots
you want to make up for lost time
but you missed your shot

every single one ive given you
youve given me something to regret
sharing too much
with someone with too little to have ever met

me in the middle
so sure
but you said what i want is too obscure
relapsing back to what is pure

and i thought i told you
im pretty sure i did
that i want you
however unrealistic, it was true

distance fucks us over
i only want you more now that were over

i told you i love you cause i meant it
the past leaves us too unkempt
to throw words around when theyre not meant

and i miss you
however lame that seems
you were always the one
to be able to rip apart my seams
and throw me back in the sea

and cause i know youre lovely
i could forget the things
you did which broke me
and i hope you miss me
that you feel something missing
or that youre at least listening
let me know that i am winning

"i say i may be back. you know what lies are for."

thought you were lovely
but you could never love me

but i guess it doesnt matter because im leaving
fighting something so pointless because i love repeating

you said we had this conversation before
and asked what i thought would happen
when i opened this door

told you i guess i love to fuck myself over
knowing i wanna know you
but i dont want you to know her

and every single time we got close enough
we pulled back
thinking what we had wasnt enough

or maybe it was me
recognizing now
that i change my mind too easily
everything i always feel
only lasts as long as i stay here

or maybe i didnt see
what i should have
saying i'll never be what i want to be
and i hate the way i make myself feel like shit
not thinking you could care even the slightest bit

when you really did
you ended everything for me
and still love me regardless of what i did
i broke your heart
i lied
saying i would cherish it
at least more than she ever did

but i fucked myself in the end
and you made the right decision
going back again
when i could tell you what i want
but never do anything about it

did you know you would regret it or did you not want to be one?

its harder to write when memories are hazy
or maybe when the writer is lazy

i know who i am
thats not the question
but who i am when im not who i want to be
is a good reason to disregard the drunken version of me
i know i wasnt who i wanted to be
i had the plan
it just didn't carry

and now im so lost
dont know who i am
but i know who im not
because i dragged you down with me
just as gone
as i had been
when you had won

but thats not meant to make you believe that i didnt want it too
i told you how i felt about regret
and theres nothing new
im just questioning your motives now
if that was what you really wanted
or just how it went down

then i saw the way you looked at me
made me question what i make myself believe
like that im not enough against you telling me
so maybe i psyched myself out for nothing
let my insecurities get the best of me
despite you saying my beauty is easy

and ill say i took the chance
because another was unlikely
though you say you think im lovely

...or maybe i was right from the beginning
 when i knew i wasnt lovely enough for you to love me

he said "did i hurt you?"

and in response
it was how could you expect not to?
when the strings unravel
just enough to fuck what we wanted
im too charismatic
i know what i want
and you know what you want
and i know its not me
so maybe i dont really know who to be
or just someone who wasnt even afforded a chance
stupid enough to fall for a drunken romance
sleazy when the feelings are easy

youre too tempting when you look at me side ways
half smile cause i'll never have it my way
and you said i looked sad because how could i not be
i asked you a simple question but you couldnt answer me
let this lead to stomach uneasy
thoughts in my head strung across unpleasing
and everything i built up demolished
just fucking tumbled
not who i wanted to be here
have to call back home
despite hating the way "i miss you" sounds on my tongue

i tore apart my own safety net
wanting answers i should have never expected to get
maybe im much more like him than i thought
too damn lost to not care about who we are
we need to have some sliver of clarity
or have the slightest clue as to what we want to do
you knew what you wanted to do
we didnt talk about it because it was too deep
but past leaves you more than unkempt
it molds who you are more than just bend
aside from just keeping you up in bed

i remember that bed
too clearly for thoughts as weary
i hated that tent
everything it stood for
him telling me he wanted me back
that he wanted to kiss me
not knowing what i lack
cause hes too perfect to understand what we cant have
maybe that why i like you instead
someone with ideals and plans
to suspend how we impact what we can
hearing you talk about it broke my heart
knowing who i cant be
someone not lovely enough for you to love me

maybe i disregarded what was spent
tried to fake the realization
that there was something there
i turned greedy
wanted you more than i could have
i took advantage
but oppurtunity would not rise under any other occasion
wanted something to write about
because im incapable of loving myself

can we just change the subject?

i guess what i hated most
was you avoiding the question
as if that would fix it-
the wondering in my head
saturday night made me miss my bed

and even more the comfort
of someone who knew me more
and who cared
that i wished i was there

and you said i seemed sad.
knew the truth
but that didnt change the facts

i guess i like the absence though,
knowing enough
to let it go
i got over the mystery
despite the fact that it was misery

love you despite what you said to me
the fucking lack of anything
but i know why you were refraining from honesty
cause you didnt want to break the smallest things

just wish that i had clarified
i understand if it didnt feel right
or if youre still tied up in the light
and that i never expected much
just liked the way skin felt under touch

and i get the part where you left me
told me you had to get some sleep
because everything went too far for keeps
fucked the most desperate things
cuddling too close to get some sleep

then had to talk about it
i couldnt just let it go
cause timing has a way of fucking what we know
and misconstrue the simplest things
everything thats best for me

you asked me to tell you all the things i missed
everything which was filled with bliss
but i have to concentrate on the saddest things
cause being happy is too far-fetched for me

and its not like anything said
felt any depth
but i had to hold myself back
the tendency to fall between
already ripping apart my seams
when who we are
fuck who we seem

like that im breaking
im so alright
perfect for my making
as if anything you said
could have tore apart my safety net

except maybe it did...
hate who i am
when i knew well enough that i hid
but forgot to place my bullet proof vest
on over my chest

i knew going into it
that everything i did
would fuck what i actually wanted
remind me what its like to be haunted

but these things ive heard lately
made my heart drop
further than i could have thought

and i have to look back to what was said
read further into it
than feelings bred
tonight im sleeping in a messy head

did you tell her?
in vengeance with a step more
had to rub it in
knowing she had no choice but to listen

you couldnt tell me
because you were also waiting for an answer
whether or not she was worth more

well there you go
you tore apart a person
just to hurt another one

feeling less but not nothing at all

i told you i hated it
how you got drunk enough to kiss me
but not drunk enough to miss me
cause when im missing
theres always others to be listening

hope you found your niche
i know youre new
because i am too
but you found where you need to be
something too distant
for my eyes to see
or my heart to meet

i thought the taste of you sweet
lips too soft
to remember im lost
and feeling more
but realizing too soon
that it meant nothing at all
cause you didnt call
when i wanted you to
to tell me that you want me too

but i'll blame myself
like every other time i fell
too soon for a heart to tell
whats the truth
i felt the abuse
and i wrapped the noose

i should have known
but you had me thrown
made me feel like i was one
but not realizing i was only one of some

but i cant hate that
because i know its you
and even more
i love the blue
blank eyes
try and say that youre mine
but i know what i cant be
because youre too lovely
for a lady
though ive loved you lately

"no one dives like you do"

sweetheart
youre everything i want to be
and i love you
cause i know youre missing me
you never miss the chance
to say youve been thinking
fuck what is pleasing
cause you wanna show me
all the colorful things
god youre beautiful beyond belief

i had to hold myself back
from crying
because though ive read it before
my heart had only hit the floor

i only want you more

and i only miss you
not because of
but inflared by
you saying you miss the blue
speckles in my eyes
god your poetry made me wanna cry

ive been reminiscing
telling stories of the way you kissed me
and on your birthday
i wanna tell you i wished it was me
when you said goodbye
i wished it was me
you were going home with
instead you only leaned in
and told me you wanna break my jaw
god i love you cause you have it all

and remember the night in the back of my car
we were drunk
but i told you i know what we are
and that we cant
always having some lame reason
to hold us back

but why really couldn't i just be with you
i lied so much to refrain us two
and i dont know if this is allowed
i feel so awful saying this now
but i love you too

more than i ever realized
never noticed the depth before
when i looked into your eyes
or maybe i held myself back
had to question if you really felt that way
or if it was something you lack
cause it seemed honesty
only ever came out in your poetry
but i know you know me
more than ideally
but still so lovely
do you still love me?
or am i just dreaming?

love is easy if you dont try to please me

told you im sorry
tried to use you as a barrier
then turned around and buried more

i lied
youre right
but a week apart
means more when you realize theres still weeks apart

but you told me youd be alright
when youre not
leaned in and said you love me
cause you know how i feel about touching

he doesnt know how i feel about touching
or even the half of me
doesnt realize these things i cannot be
have to get drunk to be okay with anything

and you told me you understood
although i left you alone
its okay if i would

and you still tell me you love me every day
but time has a way of helping decay
and even more when youre hours away

so i broke my promise
as i said i would
because you said you didnt think i could
well i proved to you that i could

and in that process
i tore apart your safety net
wanted you to feel something
wanted you to regret

love you for the things you cannot be
like someone comforting
when im lonely

and i know the distance leaves you unkempt
god i know how much it hurts
cause it leaves me even more bent

every part of me misses you
and even more now that you know the truth

and yet still so naive that youd take me back
you said in a heartbeat
i could never lack

i wanna know what you see in me
but you said its something you cant explain
thought i was lovely before you knew my name

and i want you to know that i feel the same
god you are so beautiful
every angle of you
makes my heart feel full

sorry; i miss someone like you

im sorry if i come off
in a manner which makes you uneasy
you remind me of someone
ive been missing
and even more of what it felt like kissing

and this man sitting three seats away from me
reminds me of distance
him being three hundred miles away from me

what does it mean to love simply
i get the love part
but it couldnt be so easy
when the power our hearts have over our heads make us uneasy

told him i love him
though he could never believe me
when i told him "no"
because i was leaving
but he has to understand
the pressure it puts on my breathing

when im caught sitting alone at abar
writing about feelings
which construe the boundaries of us
everything i told him we are

i understated what he means to me
forced myself to write something down i didnt mean
cause i love to watch my hand bleed
help the pen in my hand burn me
because i love the way the words spite me
"hate how it feels when we're lying"
who could've known i was lying?

i told him it was timing
at several points where i bend
it makes sense
everything which holds me up
feels like its been lent
cause everything i used to be
screwed me in the end
....impaired me...
im spent

hold it against me, but i hate you for your honesty

against everything ive ever wanted
girl whose supposed to mean nothing
still leaves me haunted

god, you just cant comprehend
how broken you left me
cause i was always too shy
to tell you what you mean

though it counts for nothing
you mean everything

or should i say meant?
i know i mean it
but you leave my heart so spent

i told you every fucking day how much i love you
what you mean to me
not just that you were so goddamn pretty
but that night in your bed
when you opened up
and spilled your head
it was so goddamn perfect
i've loved you every day since

i miss you too much to admit the bend
i almost called
but you knew it all
too well
you watched me fall

you should have lied
i would have been alright with not knowing
but you hate to make me happy
and you hate to admit you want to be happy
so you screw the possibility
hope you miss me
cause youre the part of me thats missing