kept a secret that tore out your heart

you said you loved my poetry
that it made you feel something
you didnt know could be

and you used to watch your heart bleed
watch it fall out of everything
and right back into the sea

im sorry for the things i made you believe
that my heart could surpass those boundaries
which relegated us to a set destiny

but love is not what you think it means
it is hard pressed and found in between
not all twinkling lights and golden rings

and i thought about the stars that night
the lacking in the sky and how i missed the bright
but i guess things arent always in plain sight

all the rain makes me want to close my eyes
it makes me hate something
i cant see even in the light

because brown eyes are battlefields
they stop time
while blue eyes watch yours lie

and see how every word realines
ill be watching him light cigarette after cigarette
and follow every inhale with a regret

saying he recognizes they all repeat
that they piled up
so they could pull him to his knees

and he said theres things we cant make sense of
that he didnt know what was enough
but disregarded me when i said love

and maybe its not the same
but we get the point
and it hasnt been that long
but only because we knew it was wrong

and we keep asking what its going to take
keep catching you in lies
saying bullshit we all know is fake

and i dont know where ill find you today
if youll come back and say youve changed
or if ill find you by another lake

and i know i said i was okay
but i have to wonder if im really not
if everything youve ever done is what has my heart in knots

and i know i said i dont trust you
but youve always known how to make my heart rot
and ill spare you the lie of one more time

im really alright

thought this wouldnt hurt a lot, i guess not

still dont get how this was my fault
that against every fall
you find i lack the heart
to give a chance to someone
who just said restart

and maybe you saw something that i didnt
that after everything i said,
the past still leaves me unkempt
and my heart is bent
regardless of what he meant
its about what he did

and maybe i put my walls up too soon
but after holding on
for so long
can you blame me at all?

apparently so
but it wont change what you are to me
trying to protect you from what ive seen
and keeping your heart from being thrown to sea

still dont see what theres left to believe
that theres any reason for even a fence to be
and i tried to do what was asked of me
but everything which was needed to be said
has been said since i was thirteen

still just a baby
realized he was drunk when hed hold me
and how much i resent the things he told me
like that this was better than knowing

all i ever wanted for you was honesty
that you could be prepared for the inevitable breaking
the shattering of every maybe
what it would really mean
"not this week"

or any other, for that matter

i know you dont remember
the memories which plague us
you dont get why theyre still tender
or why, in the dark
theyre everything dismembered

but the past lasts
and it may not hurt now
but youll get it back
just want to shelter you from what i had

dont make this easy, i want you to mean it

i dont know
maybe i lied.
assumed feeling something
was better than feeling alright

i remember now things i forgot to mention
thought they could make a difference
so unable to spill my heart that moment
in the intervention

small points were made
where i couldnt make any sense of even my own sentences
and i was fighting the bliss
in proving you caused everything ive found bent

realize now why i was crying
and it wasnt because i was hurt-
you did what i expected-
it was all for her

i thought i just couldnt remember
that past had passed
but something in that day brought me back
displayed all i thought i lack

and finding you in that car
made me hate myself
for everything i couldnt say
and all the stars

wondering if i took it too far
and if i could raise the bar
if i found a way to make it feel alright
that i would be alright

and you would call me next time
because we could find each other on the same lines
but strings broke
and i watched how easy it was for a father to cut the rope

and i meant what i said
that i can fall asleep in my bed
it just takes a little time
trying to find the feeling in my head

cause my heart has fled
every fucking time i get close enough
to knowing, against everything youve shown,
that i am enough

and your voice cracks like a piano

so what happens now?
now that ive pushed
and the strings broke

was it really not supposed to mean anything
or did we just make a mistake?
poorly assume something was made
from the friction i create

i know there were signs i mistook
i guess i liked the idea of everything i lack
thought i could get it back

but the the thing is
what we had is in past tense for a reason
and i spent too much time idealizing what i had been

got caught in all of the demons
and what i thought i could conquer
when i couldnt even face them

hate who i have been...
trying too hard for someone
who would never love me
and trying to be something
i never could be

and thats sickening
the box i tried to fit in
tried to cram myself into something so limiting

hate what i was thinking
and who i was being
had my heart fleeing
from one scene of mystery to one of misery

i think the strings broke
not just that of my connection
but those inside of me

hate what is likely
memories of leaving shyly
and not following blindly
what happened to back bones?
listening and paying attention to tones
knowing who would leave me alone
and how to get home

what happened to that?
wanna get it back

the strings broke
not soon enough
i know i had enough
that i was left rough
with nothing left to love

but i should have called your bluff
smirking like youre so tough

the friction wasnt me
stupid enough to show you the worst of me
and how to make me bleed
how to leave my heart at sea
watching it swallow the whole of me

hope you know that i can be what i really need
took some time but i realized what i need
and in every part of me that used to bleed
i planted a seed

you can sin or spend the night all alone

i know i dont know you....
maybe thats what i regret
or maybe that it wasnt me...

still dont know what to do
thought i was missing you
realized i cant find the heart to

and i know that i can not say it with deafening certainty
that timing was off
so i just got lost

but theres nights we spend bent
remembering days we want to forget
trying to find ways to start over again

not realizing it cant happen
and theres things that hurt
cause our hearts to curve

and turn towards the things we lack
wish i could get back now what i had
what i took for-granted

what keeps me awake in my bed
and locks me away in my head
trying to swallow words that bled

hate everything i ever said
wish that i could take it back
wish it could make you forget

and im sorry about the day we met
finally found where i caught myself in a stupid net
the product of my stupid slip

the words that hit
and im sorry that it meant more to me
that you still cant see what i see

but you can know im trying
it hurts
but i couldnt be lying.

and i know what you mean
sorry that earlier i refused to agree
theres promises we make we dont want to keep

like laying down to catch some sleep
in a bed of hate
and lies and greed

want you to know that its okay
that i understand
that there are things i cant demand

and i lied about what i can
when grievences toor apart the best of me
and dragged the rest out to sea

that in the end
i still mean everything i said
im here when you need a bed

and can hear you out
when you cant find your head
the places we were lead

found a way to forget
well, to forgive
guess you win.

swore that youd be alright, but youre not

and i guess i just pretended i could change you
when i only ever walked behind your shadow

as for things we think we could make even better
i can speak personally, theres never enough feathers

but you swore that youd be alright
it was just a game for you too
that you always knew
and after all, i was the one to lose

so then why does it not feel like that?
tell me eyes lie
tell me youre happy
though i know youre not

tell me everythings changed
and that after, you let your heart rearrange

and let yourself reengage
and realized what i wasnt

that everything i think i am
is all a facade
that i cant see the real me
because its only for those who have found something lovely

that thats something im lacking
along with a heart

i know im a terrible person
i know that my hearts bent

and i hope i never left you unkempt
for months on end

like the days that i spent
after your heart was lent
to someone with dirty hands
who let you slip like grains of sand

and i let you burn out like a star
didnt care enough to watch from afar
and i disregarded the whole of the flame
didnt think you could be what you became

i guess i should be the one to blame
ignored my heart
and followed the wrong lane
hope your okay

making enemies of the innocent

i dont know why
but i still feel like im damning myself

like i never should have sent that letter
the one thats meant to be light as a feather

and im sort of hoping its too late
that every decision i make
screwed up the chances i was meant to take

but theres things we cant fake
like being scared
of being scarred

and all the fallacies found in following my heart
but i dont know where to start...
dont want to start saying my prayers
afraid a god will rip me apart

i guess thats the thing about starting over
who you are isnt who youre going to be
but maybe its a little scary
realizing the whole of what that means

while they say its not all over
for people who wish on wilted clovers
i could stand to be a little less dramatic
try to forget the ways of selfish habits

like holding onto things i know that ive destroyed
try to make a point to letting go of toys

and ill say goodbye, i guess
found my head but misplaced the rest
and they can say its for the best
but i think my heart will need a life vest

....

when mirrors forget how to reflect

i guess the fault was in all the promises made
spent days in the shade
following the yellow brick path you laid
and all the lines telling me to stay

and maybe hes right
that trains are beautiful
the first feat
in not using our feet

and that something amazing
could be made by me
if i put my heart to just about anything
....he can see the beauty

and maybe thats what makes him so lovely
the way he can love me
and the way he can see what no one else could see-
got bored and threw my heart out to sea

maybe thats when mirrors forgot how to reflect
and i learned more than to just deflect
and everything you say
means more than anyone i met

because its the first time ive ever heard someone say yes
and im not crazy,
just not at my best
that i just need to take a break and rest.

oh, how the light would come and cover up

hope you know i still think of you
that i miss you
though not like i used to
not like im used to

wanna tell you
that i wanna love you
every piece of me
still yearns for you

but i want the best for you
and i know its not me
because all things you cant see
would be damaging

like my heart at sea
still waiting on it to sink
cause i know just how heavy
broken things can be

and what i know i mean
to boys who leave
they let me in on things
like that i dont know who to be

and that drives them crazy
wondering where they sleep
when im convinced that im lacking
and making promises without any backing

then telling you ill be home late
only so youll sit there and wait
and i wont call and say other plans were made
because my heart has always been delayed

and maybe youre right
that i feel nothing
and that ive given you nothing
maybe thats why im leaving

maybe im just tired of all the bleeding
all the shit thats straining my breathing
hoping another state wont be misleading
and everything is what ive been needing

hope youll forgive me
for running
and hiding
for everything

get lost and then get found

i know ive made a mistake...
recognizing isnt the problem...

and i guess i really cant say what it is
when i only know what i am not
and that that is worth it
maybe im not what i said...

when we say we got drunk to feel nothing
though i did it to feel something
because nothing is sickening
but my heart isnt listening

still not sure what point im trying to make
when every lie i said
was because of a stupid risk i decided to take
and every promise i wanted to break

now im questioning every apology i had to state
wondering what brought me to this state
and if it will change when i get out of this state
and what other convictions ill shed when it gets late

tell me that i needed to get lost before i get found
that everything ive been wishing for
i know nothing about
and that all the lines ive stayed inside scream too loud

but in that night, there was something golden made
like a bridge to something holy
and i got to a place where i could love myself wholly
because i finally got to know me

not just who i wanted to be
but who i haven't yet seen
and that because i lost my conscious
i made a better decision consciously

that who i was isnt who im going to be
and i am more than what you said of me

keep your feet on the ground

but i still dont know what you want from me
after breaking every part of me

and telling me what i really mean
tell me that its nothing
because lying now is silly

sometimes people dont meet expectations
maybe that was me
or maybe theres something more,
you just dont care to see

i guess thats where im meant to be
falling in the spaces between
i love you but i cant say you mean anything

and i know i should say sorry
but i know how you love honesty
and i couldnt say those words honestly

i hope you dont hate me
and you dont take forgranted what i mean

because i honestly meant well
just dont know how to end these things well

still stumbling on words
still wondering what all of this was for

dont miss you anymore

but i guess love is a different thing
to people who havent heard an angel sing

something beyond golden rings
and growing bright white feathered wings

but maybe i should let baby sleep
i know sometimes we get a little weak

and we can spend so much time
working out every depressing rhyme

even when our futures in sight
but arms around us are tight...

sometimes forever is just not enough
and everything we've ever meant was just not enough

sometimes thats what they call love
not sure yet what it feels to be loved...

but maybe thats what im trying to say
that after months of feeling all the decay

i finally got away
and i finally feel okay

i know every call said i wasnt alright
but i realize now i denied every opportunity to feel alright

and that i lied
and avoided the truth- the real reasons i cried

i dont miss you anymore
could see you today and wouldnt feel how my heart was tore

i could tell you how i hope youre doing fine
and mean every single line

and i can look at your smile
and smile

and i want you to know that i am content
after months of believing every piece of me was bent

and trying to fill it in
i finally found a pen

i am everything i missed
every bit is exactly where its meant

hope you found where youre meant
and the past never left you unkempt

that your heart still took flight
after our last fight

and that you realize everything happens for a reason
that we met for a reason

the masochism in believing you could change

i guess i just made myself believe
that i just wanted to avoid going on a limb
that id rather watch my heart bend
than to force it to move in the right direction

but being here now,
i have to question what i was thinking
why i brought my heart to this place
just to shine the light on all the bleeding

and where did i lose my feeting?
why did i think it was all alright
to let my heart stop beating
and to hate who i am at night

and they said my future was bright
along with a string of empty promises
like how you wanna see me more
i just need to find a way to love you more

and maybe thats where my heart was tore
towards the end
where memories bend
to lend a helping hand

in where you found i was never what i meant
let everything you say leave me unkempt
when everything i said was found just as bent
as my heart slid

from hands that dropped it
as carelessly as they found it
now you say you hate me for it?
for what i did?

the best idea i ever ever had
the best thing i ever did
when i put myself ahead
of everything you ever said

im more than that-
then you pulled me back
and i question what i am
when everything i have is what i always had