call and say youve changed your mind so i can sleep

maybe thats what theyre supposed to do
pull the rug from out under you
call and tell me that we're over
so i can stop wishing on this clover

green like your eyes
green with envy
green faced with the lies
and holding on for no reason why

i can clean my sheets
but not my past
i can love the person
but not the facts

and i can finally say im over it
over you and what i thought you were
even the good guys are jerks
but they hurt worse

it takes a big facade to hide the cracks

you pulled the strings
like shoe laces
i had come undone
like a perfectly wrapped bow
on a present
i had only just won

then you changed your mind
took it back
shoved in my face
what i already knew i lacked
only more
it was you
only less
and i was through

i pulled the strings
a thick rope to cope
nothing more
than a noose
nothing less
and i was through

looking back
i saw angel wings
looking now
those were devilish things
i thought i knew
what i had
till you pulled my strings
dropped the curtains
and exposed my bad

stop talking. stay with me.

tear stained sheets
smeared make up
i feel weak

my body is empty space
my heart is lost
and thoughts are cocaine laced

and i know its only 8:28
but i dont want to be awake
hoping this is all just a dream
something fake

ive never been the type
to feel so lost
a maze in your eyes

but i guess i was only fooled
by your amazing
"good guy" disguise

the words: i hardly remember
only goodbye
a jumble of lies

like i love you
and ill miss you
but if you do, then why?

same mistakes

this feels a lot like the past
like something i could never get passed
yeah, i broke my promise,
but you broke more

i was hung up
you just hung up
and maybe i got ahead of myself
but i wish that you would grow up

and answer me
i feel so in the dark
while youre having your fun
playing with my heart

everyday, i tell myself im over it
but that just changes
when you walk into the room again
what about you is it?

in the dark

i hate that question:
what is lacking about me?
what do you see
that i cant be?

though ive tried my hardest
and have hidden my worst
what do you see through?
what am i not to you?

since i dont foresee
you telling me the truth
being honest
saying im not good for you

here are a few
i talk too little
and over think too much
music defines me

my past is never too far behind me
id rather be alone
but i want someone there
when i need them

ill tell you all you want to hear
but then again, a lot you dont
ive got a lot on my mind
but i promise, youre eighty percent of it

show me what im looking for

i could never believe in a vengeful god

that just seemed abusive

those who say pick and choose

well how could i not loose?

ive never really been true

they say you have a list

like santa clause

who doesnt exist

so what am i supposed to believe?

if you love me, there would be no rules

only that you love me and i love you

but i still question...

is that alright?

i still have doubts some nights

but as long as i live morally

and for me

shouldnt that be alright?

...continued

so if i cant trust my father
how do you expect me to trust you
someone i cant see
someone who has watched me bleed

where were you in that?
the knifes reflection
always left me feeling lacking
and you weren't there

so how can i trust you to ever be?
i was just a kid
too alone
to possibly believe

now that im older
and im ready to move on
will you show me
how to move on?

i need you like before
only possibly
maybe more
where will you be?

im using you, youre using me

i used to believe the works i create
were all me
sometimes i go through times
where i question how i really sleep

when im lost
i toss and turn
when i recognize that living is for living
my dreams take flight

so maybe youre all that i am
that denying is useless
and without you
im useless

but thats always seemed so weak to me
the phrase
"without you, i cant breathe"
just seems like a crutch

rather than a proclamation
of faith
it seems like admitting what im lacking
is someone to hold on to

means that i will always need
someone else to hold on to
but growing up i had no one
no father, no christ

and someone to take care
seemed to far fetched
and being happy
always followed with "do i dare?"

who we were vs. who we've been

my past makes me nauseas
and looking back i dont even recognize myself

i used to think that people didn't change
they just grew
but looking back
i dont think thats true

i used to be so bent
on appearing presentable
for others
wondering what they thought of her

i realize now
that i was lacking to them
because when i was "myself"
it was always for him

sunday sheets

i want to be her
sunday sheets
well they leave their scents
go to chapel so you can repent

and while youre at it
leave your keys
im so over it
ready for autumn leaves

white is pure
but your forced her into this
blood stained
"cure"

this isnt enough...
this is too vague...
i know judging is god's job
but you deserve what you gave

you fucked her
told her you loved her
but when her stomach
confessed your sins

you forced another upon her
told her shed be marked with a scarlet 'a'
have she not
kill her baby

why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves?

I know who I am
and I know what I lack
But I want to know you are
And why its you I have to have

We're humans
so obsessed with discovering
and taking things for face-value
then wondering why its that which we value

We can pick apart ourselves
and spend hours picking apart each other
but as we get deeper
we wonder why we loved her

loved
as in past tense
as in today,
i will be saying "remember when?"
as if it wasnt yesterday
i broke that which will take years to mend

its true
i never felt things for people
who have pursued
they always seemed lacking
i dont want to hold the strings

i recognize
that i should never be trusted
after garrett, feelings caught me flustered
though ive been infatuated in years past
that  boy never had what you have.

but i can not forgive myself
for things that i have felt
the position i put myself in
the way it makes me melt

compare and contrast

what makes me something less?
when i was only being honest
because you forced me into this

i would have never brought up something so frivolous
comparing intelligence
i wonder if you realize anyone else exists

i found myself holding back
just like i always do
when im around you

but i shouldn't
ive told you several times
im through

i wonder if you think you understand others
why you dont understand me
or your own mother

when shes always tried so hard
to shelter, with warmth to cover
but you feel like there nothing you owe her

but to him everything
to him who left us free
when we were just kids

who didnt understand
where we were meant to be
though i dont remember that night so clearly

i remember one thing
our savoir
was never he

how can i love you when you dont love yourself?

i feel nothing
nothing for the past
i prefer not to dwell
or share my memories
with people who really care

i think you love yourself too much
to realize what youre really doing
to put an end to an addiction
that caused my self infliction

when you made me feel like nothing
i slowly felt like feeling something
bad or good
was better than feeling this nothingness

pain i can deal with
apathy is too smart for me
too much
not enough.

i think

i told you id write
but what happens when theres nothing to say?
do i keep my promise?
or do i just walk away?

i meant what i said
about how i was happy for you
though i wish id admitted it was a lie
and that i want you to stay

but what do you expect me to say?
do you want me to lie
pretend like
i dont really feel this way

its hard to conceal
ive never been so honest
or so open
or so careless as to what others say

i dont think i could do better
thats why im losing
i dont think i could feel worse
thats why im lying

the lines multiply. the lines blur.

Ive tried stringing these things I think together, but I find I leave myself disappointed. The words I write never seem to portray the whole truth as it breaks me. They're lacking like me. And then when I speak to you, the desire to maintain my dignity is overshadowed by my desire to tell you how much you mean to me despite the obstacles, the irony, and the obvious, my fear that while I feel things for you I deem unnatural, my inability to put them into words haunts me with worry that you won't recognize the feelings I cannot seem to express.
I know you need them, that your desire is nauseating from the secrets you keep from me. I tell you everything in hopes that one day, maybe today you could in turn share your life story with me. I want to hear everything. The little boy's first time on a swing, the first battle wound, the first heartbreak. I want to know how you felt about the night I told you something I can never take back, but I don't want to regret it.
I know right now, this isn't enough. And maybe I'll never be enough, what I say to you will always fall short of your expectations and I'm not as beautiful as the girl of your dreams- my eyes aren't blue enough and my hair won't stay straight and sometimes I say things I don't mean and I ramble and my head is full of jumbled thoughts and all the wrong lyrics and my sentences are long. and I never learned when to properly use the word et cetera. (Haha.) But I want you to know, that when it comes to feelings like these as someone I would enjoy centering a decent amount of my mind and time on, you are not just enough, you are perfect.

Hows it going to be?

They say all my searches for truth will end in fruit, but the signs leading me there make my head hurt causing countless nights staying up reminding myself of who I really am and what I lack. I used to be fine with that, but what happens when the photos scattered on your floor aren't me anymore? I don't want to lose, but i understand that's a habit of mine, something I can't break, something that causes me to break. Maybe you were right in your decision, the decision to be safe; not taking any chances on a girl who doesn't take chances and dwells far too much in self loathing to love you like you should be. I would say that, however I know I'm only talking myself into believing that you're getting what you deserve with her- that all this hurt I feel right now will fade and what I said to you just a few nights ago will be just like any other day.
Others are taking chances and getting hurt, like trying to fly just after your mother gave birth. Sometimes we forget we're not birds and we need to learn. We need to grow and get stronger and prepare ourselves. You don't know me, but I never prepare, leaving a laundry list of mistakes like shards of glass, breaking skin, and falling for someone. I'm completely hopeless. Today, I thought, maybe I'd be less hopeless if I went to church and gave myself to God and put my mind on something else, however the whole sermon, my head was spinning circles, dancing thoughts of being naked and honest and loved and loving in the purest sense; in the sense that maybe it was all right because it was you. I know God hates me for my impure thoughts. I tried to subdue, I tried to dilute, but it was you.
And just how do you expect me to get over that? Gazing out my window, I forget I'm driving and headlights blind me, but all I think about is how nice it is out and how beautiful the sky and stars are and wonder what it would be like on any other planet right now, in any other dimension. If everything was alright and everyone is happy and I hope everything isn't always as they seem because it seems all my ventures to get over you arent working.

lying tongues are clumsy

not enough was said
but nothing was heard
and you just kept lying
like this was the first

but i meant what i said
that i dont trust you
and never will listen to what you said
because it wasnt enough

youve got that right
i dont want promises
ive been hearing them for years
but i know your "honesty" lacked your tears

and i know
you only told me what you thought i wanted to hear
again showing me
why i never wanted you here

house of hallways

i never cried
i held my breath
i never thought i could
and you wouldve never guessed

that you couldve been the cause of this
that you were something more
that you were the scars on my wrists

so before you say she understands more
think about how close we were
and those highest fall hardest
and that one time...
it wasnt just one time

i know youve found god
ive heard it before
i know your sorry
ive seen you on the floor

you admitted
the way i walked out the door
made you want to say "screw it"
and buy a bottle or four

but the statement wasnt meant to be a punishment
but an encouragement
if you love me
we can fix it

just like i did
for our beautiful
little boy and girl
so their lives can be full

so i can be more to them
i want you to mean more to me
i want what i say to get through
and i want you to feel brand new

reminding me ill never be enough

are you happy now?
i have no words
you got what you wanted
i got hurt

so congratulations
a girl was burned
i sacrificed my flight
to give a boy my world

now he doesnt even know my name
doesnt remember my face
doesnt care
he just replaced

i feel like shit
i feel like waste
like our past
was all in bad taste

so i guess you got what you wanted
a poem for my heartbreak
i gave you my innocence
and you gave me ...

nothing

make me fall in love with you

lets hope you keep your word
that youll say it back
thats all i ask
that im not giving everything

to someone with whom it wouldnt mean a thing
i wanna mean something
to you
i wanna love you

and i want to be loved
and feel loved
and never take it for granted
because i know how much it means

i want my love to mean something to you
i want you to feel special because of me
i want you to know it
i want to show it

you made me fall in love with you.

not sorry anymore

youre right
i broke your heart
after month
i felt no love for you
while you gave me everything
a girl could possibly want
but

you broke your promise
remember the day?
when you told me nothing would change
and i checked off the list
of all the bad things that could happen
and you said something like
"nothing could ever change the way i feel
about you"

now you wont even speak to me
i feel like the sight of me
just might make you nauseas
what changed the promise?
i know this was on the list
i warned you
i only loved you as a friend

you said i lead you on
that i took you for granted
but i told you
i never wanted these things
i never wanted your heart
i knew it was too good
for my hands

i told you, after
you deserved better
but you never listened
to a word i said
not even sorry

so i take it back
you deserve what you got.

naked hate

he left me in the purist state
hands cold
and heart broke
feeling like gold

how many times do i have to say it?
im sorry we couldnt make it
but you left us distant
like friends was just a filler

what you would say
until you got what you wanted:
me naked
but guess what, i faked it

i never felt more
you never could make me feel more
and i hope your happy
with what you left on the floor

because it was never mine
it was always yours
heres your heart
as i walk through the door

know this world like my father

and youd be crying in my ear, claiming

"the phone rings both ways

you know im always here"

but im sorry

i was twelve years old

calling a rehab to be put on hold

then theyd finally answer

and say "i hope your daddy breaks the mold"

do you realize how damaging that was

the condescending twists of their sentences

because they knew the statistics

but sweetly sheltered me from the evils of it

while you just made me feel like shit

like it was my fault you were locked up in this

like i was locked up in my emotions

i denied what i felt

or rather, the lack of it

i never want to see you again

because i know what will happen

youll promise big, big things

like happiness

but wont follow through

and end up back in your addiction.

alive in this bed, alive for the weekend

youre right
im a horrible person
for doing what sets me free

but youre a terrible person
for caging me

i told you i loved you
something never easy
and you just looked at me
said something to the effect of
"i know that wasnt easy"

so im drowning myself in Lydia
hoping ill find some meaning in
"I'm sorry, so sorry. I'm leaving."
i want to forget im breathing

but wait.
what did you say?
just before you turned away?
"i love you too. dont you ever change."

i wish i felt now
how i did in that moment
so heartbroken and so in love
so poetic, but so enough

paint me up something golden

did that really happen?
i think it did
but im not sure of it

i cleared out everything
like the past doesnt exist
but i like to think it did

im still a little unsure
did anything really change?
i told you, but it all ended in nausea

like carrot cake
silky sweet
bitterness

i want to give in
i want to begin
i want to regret it

but how could i?
it never really happened
like a bad dream

i want to forget
but i want to live it again
i want to know why

i was happy then
but now im just pissed
why did i do it?

been out of my mind for some time now

well, i let you know
and i know its time
but i dont wanna let go

i can come to terms
thats not the problem
and i know holding on
is much harder

... but, maybe, theres an exception
like i love you except,
i love her more
like what you said to me
didnt hurt

ive been pretty okay
im content with everything
im glad you didnt stay
its good i got away

except, lately...
just tell me why
you know im hardly getting by

daddy

what am i supposed to say?
what will get through?
i love you
but im through

yeah i need you
i need you distant
like youve always been
like forever and then

and it hurts when you text
it feels like a test
and you cry in my ear
you dont know what i fear

i cant tell you
i dont trust you
i know youre my daddy
but sometimes its hard to love you

can i write for you?

how about to you?
can i get through you?
will you? will you.

i want you to know how it feels to love you
the butterflies bring me back to my first crush
and how i wish it was you

because this feeling is amazing
and i only want to feel it for you
so how about you?

i realize the timings a little off
you're happy and im busy
but how can this feel so perfect

do i dare use that word?
how about magical?
no... that word doesn't even brush justice

true, youre not for me
and im not for you
but what does it matter?

if i only see you
if i only want to be with you
will you? will you.

he said we will always be saved.

i want you to grasp what im feeling
but the words, i cant touch
like we're only brushing them
holding onto something we cant trust

i want you to know what it felt like
when the rain was pouring like my eyes.
when i considered drowning in it all
as if i didnt mean anything at all

no one ever told me i was important
i had to figure that out for myself
when one night, i became what i despise
i had to change all the lies

and im still working through it
psychoanalyzing everything
and wondering why i do it
hoping that i can get through this