"someone stole the time you thought i was worth."

you said it best
wondering if you ever felt
like i did when i left
that though the sheets were piled up and around you
the comfort never found you

maybe you felt as empty as i did
but the reaction was different
while i was trying to prove the point
you were seeking distance
not knowing what to do with every blurred image

she told me i was a cynic
an extension of my pessimism
as you held me in
the lack of understanding
of exactly where i was standing

but he told me i should be honest
that im old enough to get beyond this
but i think that the only reason im dwelling
is because there was something about that night which was telling

alcohol isnt the only that got the best of me
not the worst being my body seen
although maybe thats still challenging
i was begging for a representation of feelings
because words leave my heart fleeing

but i still wonder what i thought would be decreed
a flag marked body
and you can say you had me
but a lack of ability to say it was lovely
because it would be a massive overstatement to say you love me

maybe i jumped too far ahead
though i know that couldn't be
i made damn sure to let myself breathe
before sending anything which could be too damning

youre not who i thought you would be
maybe more of someone whose like me
though the chance of any depth is still unlikely
maybe its just me
that eyes knew that i was too easy

as i said before
i asked for some depth
something you apparently dont get
or something i dont get
because im not someone to share secrets with
just a bed

but i get it
i jumped too quickly
let my legs spread
led with my body
instead of my head

and you were right again
that theres a difference in age
gap caused by what i hate
the idea that i wont get anywhere before its too late

maybe its too late
maybe it always was
and we are what the past makes
thats why we're damaged goods

like some kind of ghost

you said
though i know it wasnt for me
years before we'd ever meet
i'll die before i find some meaning
i'll die before i can really breathe

but something spoke
to two thousand and nine
four years before
just finding the rhymes
i was thirteen before
just meeting him
six years older
now eight
but not that i think you know the weight

i read your poetry
trying to find what they really mean
if it had happened
wondering if they changed who you had been
eyes not yet met mine
but writing about a sad girl
drunk like the mixed drinks
you made to find me
lonely in a bed
you left me coldly
despite my knowing the possibility

you said the moon was hard to find
crescent reflections placed on the back of my mind
wanted to tell you stories
but yet couldn't get you alone long enough
without the music turned up
too loud to hear myself think
and just enough to cover the hitch of my breathing
you told me to shut up

you were right
the paths that we choose lead us astray
and i made damn sure you'd like me that way
moved forward with my body
because i hate the depth which comes along with talking
the possibility of you knowing anything
of what is damaging to my self-esteem

two hours wasn't enough sleep
and the way the curtains pulled open
shone light through
i felt used by you
especially after
when i left but nothing was said

i know im trying harder
hours between where i faultered
but you saying anything
will lead any girl to believe
maybe its different
not really just the day after
he told me to wait a week after
to say things which could possibly shatter
but im going home soon
not soon enough
but enough to hate who i made myself out to be
young and stupid enough for your using

cause i have been left alone

ask me what im into
because you dont know what you got yourself in to
and you say its not my turn to speak
some different things
after gin, i heard in jen "fuck" in the background
while we were fucking in the background

youre not who i thought you would be
and not that thats a bad thing
far more sweet
than i was expecting
but i dont know if its my fault
or if i should have seen it in the stars
after i told you
about the only constellation i knew
the one which was exaulted
because thirteen is unlucky
and any more reasoning is unlikely

and i thought it meant something as we spoke
two weeks of feeling less alone
feelings bred
yet which still lack back bone
squirming because i dont want you to hurt me
though i know i'll only ever blame me
you were right
its not my turn to speak
thoughts too clouded to say what i mean
i know who i am
even though its sickening

im not ahead of myself.
i want that known
i just broke
and im confused
have the sick interest in being abused
because its comfortable
i hate the idea of feeling more
like cuddling
i hate the holding
like possibly meaning something

but let me know where i stand
if there is interest
or beds are quick sand
quick enough to forget who i am
in a bed i dont yet understand
and probably never will
wondering now if just you had time to kill

"I remember laughing as if you weren't leaving"

my head hurts
knowing im not what you deserve
someone whose eyes
encompass the world

baby blue
i love saying i love you
and the way you loved to turn my radio up
cant wait for the weekend
when i can tell you just how much

and i leave my window cracked
just enough to cover what i lack
saying im open
though you know im pinned
and im a cynic
so you know what it means
when i say im spent

and though it was short
i know i love you more
maybe because of it
maybe because you say you want to forget
when it hurts to miss

we stayed up all night
not realizing how much it sucks
to say goodbye
or that i would cry
cover it up by saying i didnt care
then held tighter than ever before
with my face in your hair
it smelled like my shampoo
because you took a shower
while i locked myself in my room

it sucks trying to remember what you look like
knowing i'll see you soon
and the red will be faded
fucked myself with how long i waited

whose gonna love me when all that liquors gone?

train tracks
knowing then i'd want my body back
and every moment spent there
but alcohol left my head spinning there

we're not who we thought we would be
and certainly not as the past catches up with me
and more realizing that statistically
im exactly what they said i would be

despite everything i said i wouldnt
i thought i knew who i was
but i guess i couldnt

and even more theres always more
i have to question now if it was all a game
because i feel like a score

i heard he got me drunk intentionally
then turned the music up
because sobriety is plaguing
tomorrow when my head swells too much
trying to retrace the steps between his touch

and i remember what i told her
that i hate myself enough to do it all again sober
i should have told him to stop talking
although i lost my head
i knew what it meant to be in that bed

i placed my body there for a reason
thinking i wouldn't get the chance in any other season
and the jealousy got the best of me
so you got what you wanted
and i got what i need
the proof that i damn myself to lack of meaning

and just then the music said i probably got what i deserve
knowing now i cant be hurt
my head hates me
justifying things its not okay to say
i walked the wrong way
after everything my heart can still cave

i should have known i dont have it in me
that its not that easy to get what i want without giving a piece of me
but i want you to know i dont regret it
i just always expect to be stronger in the end
but im like a lost puppy
dont know what to do because sex isnt loving
and not so surprisingly, i didnt win

Watching the Stars on a Big Screen

railroad tracks
remembering now that the past lasts
i said memories were something that molds us
even more when there's no one to hold us

ive been told that im too quiet
but you know that thats never quite it
and there was something twinkling in your eyes
when you said smiles are the hardest disguise
but everything i said was an exception
you know more than i would normally let on

everything said had felt the depth
and a heart known securely every secret is kept
knowing now memories shouldnt plague us
because everything which happens has its reasons
whether or not we realize we need it

and the ringing now in the basement
reminds me of everything i hated
like how i felt when that train went by
knowing how easy it could be to die

but knowing more i loved the stars that night
i fucked up thinking cassiopeia was aries
but you said that we're more than what we carry
and every conversation we've ever had
dug deeper than i knew you could have

wanna cause a wreck in your head

not just fall asleep in your bed
let everything i say make way for feelings of hatred
that i want you but i wont do anything about it

because i have the tendency to fall between
the opportunities rip apart the seams
before i take advantage of the chance
wish i was drunk enough to fall for romance

but we havent talked in a month
so when you said you miss me
i had to call your bluff

youre not who you said you would be
said you love me
until i left you leading
but i didnt realize we put conditions to it
or that after i was honest
it could be ruined

because apparently i broke a promise
i didnt know we made
and in turn you fucked in the bed we laid

so i forgot what you said
cause i need space
and in turn find the time
to burn the plans that we made

you said
and maybe it was for me
"youve been dry heaving your emotions all summer"
that left me questioning
if there was ever any sanctity
in what we wanted
or if it was all for the fun of it

because we love feeling loved
but we arent actually capable of doing it
your promises left me turning in
rolled up like hearts that you bent

maybe he was right
that i stole you from him
and im okay
because i recognize now
you were never mine to begin with

make the decision to be happy

i told you i loved you madly
and that it doesnt matter
because regardless of whether or not you disagree
i think youre so fucking lovely

i know youre going through shit right now
 ...it all seems to be fucking up
everything you want seems to be tumbling down
...and piling up

but sweetheart, sometimes life isnt what it should be
sometimes what we think we want leaves us empty
and time has a way of creeping
remind you theres no time for sleeping

i want you to know that we all fuck up
when theres too much time in the spaces between
we're not always who we thought we would be

but damning yourself to lack of meaning
only reenforces that youre learning something you should be
and in time, you'll understand everything you need

so dont stress...
everything that means anything is always a mess
when asking you if you'll still fuck him when he gets here
is just a test

to see if theres anything
would be a lie
to the test of time

we all need a break
cause he fucked you over
so you stayed awake

and you made yourself alright
im so glad that two days was enough time
and that you found the right space
to allot the rhyme

"You mess me up completely"

I love the way she said it
like it was something meant
but shes incapable
of being left bent
more like leaving ones spent

it used to mess me up completely
that after everything
shes not who she said she would be
forgot the part where she said shed love differently

but many things happen unexpectedly
and the same for you
i hope you wont pin it against me
sometimes feelings come uneasily

broken hearts leave you empty
even more than youre meant to be
but sometimes, people come around to tell you youre lovely
enough to make me forget the things
which before only stressed the breaking

maybe i like you because you can make me forget
enough to remember what i always wanted
but enough to know better that i wont get it
maybe im just going back again

old enough to be just like him
and still able to make me not care
young enough to be aware
and youre not just like him

but i still have to wonder if you just like to talk
cause everything brings me back
to leading me on
when three years strung along
is long enough to wonder if i did it wrong
or if it was never in the plan
in the first place
i realize now all that time was a waste

i just dont want to do it again
i put too much heart in
and im asking now
though i dont want to get ahead
i want you to be honest
because i want to be clear of your intention
before diving in

"wiping your shoes at the door mat and still making a mess"

I don’t know how I should feel

So unexpected

It doesn’t seem real

But only now

I know less of you

Than I feel I should have

Want to know what you think

Saying youre thoughts still aren’t gathered

But realizing now

That more I have mattered

And I never even considered it

As you said, my eyes never reflected

Maybe because I never considered an option

Or maybe, heartbreakingly

Because friends are like gin

You always want more of it

And yet, condescendingly,

I have to wonder if it’s a misplace in feelings

A misstep

cause a compliment had your heart leapt

I want you to know what you mean to me

Although time may have me retreating

Apologizing for every word left you leading

To believe that it was a possibility.

I am so goddamn sorry

Not knowing how to handle things

Because I always feel my heart retreating

I love that youre writing

That words have a way of describing

Feelings I didn’t know could be a thing

And now youre waiting in the room opposite of me

Waiting for the same kind of response

But knowing it will leave you empty

Saying you fucked yourself

By being too friendly

But everything here leaves me unkempt

Remembering boys and girls back home

Who made my heart bend

I love you with every right fiber

But, im sorry, that theres a lacking in fire

"I stayed over, for old time's sake."

i dont know who i'll be
going home to get some sleep
or who i'll find wrapped in sheets
boy i left to find some meaning
and what he'll say when i get back
pulling strings to show what i lack
something i cant help when he knows my name
and even more the way i cave

i am who i said i know i will be
that i cant promise anything
already fucked what you believed
that i was someone worth your waiting

and though i said ive loved you lately
theres always things which are changing
and break what you needed of me
to be the girl you found lovely
but im not who i used to be
and even more who i was at fourteen

and i considered what could happen monday
two months after i had you my way
what i said will be our last
then later saying i want it back

and a week later when we last spoke
because i didnt want to answer
i knew i couldnt say it back
what we had isnt what we have
im sorry for saying i can
thought i loved you
but thats not who i am

and when you find out that im home
i know what will happen
words thrown that will have you pinned
knowing too much that i will win
but all the same that i will bend