something to get off my chest

realization will be the death of us. when i change my mind as i watch you unwind. its unsettling to see that days feel like weeks when we're not talking. and that you actually believe i can cure anything. and i feel awful, like aaron, leaving because i know you could do better without me. only i wont write you a love letter, telling you im sorry that you ever thought i could be what you need. everyone has realized by now, i could never be capable of such a thing.

the best thing about me is my ability to know when to leave. and like a clean slate, leave you with the feelings of emptiness and me with the problems that go along with it. i dont know what you have to miss. as youre sitting in the grass, looking for a star on which to wish. we have nothing left. as if my heart completely vanished.

the past returns and my heart burns

butterflies
i cant remember what they felt like
always being comfortable
is where my hearts been at

but i dont want that back
hurting just to prove im worth it
when he always shoved in my face
what i knew i lack

telling me there are many other girls
hes seen
who are much more than me
more than i could ever be

and im sorry for myself
that i dont regret a thing
dying just to prove hes lying
adding dignity to my crimson wings

and this burning october
reminds me of your lover
how you told me you hated her
but found comfort after the two weeks we were over.

you were a fucking liar
might as well have
thrown my heart back in the fire
or better yet, the noose my closet

i had never gotten closer
than when i said it was over
i never wanted that
why did i ever want us back?

i came alone, but did not feel alone

im pretty sure i was in love
and im pretty sure that was enough
and you may not have felt the same
lying to keep me from dying

but those words still mean just as much
holding on to every touch
and you can deny it,
i promise i wont fight it
but ill always remember

like the first time you told me
you loved me
the butterflies
and how my heart stopped at goodbye

how long have i been gone?

the coroner tallies
marking out all the fallacies
and i dont know how you fall for these
red lips hard to read

we dream as if we live forever
as if tomorrow is promised
as if thats the way it was meant
never realizing what we could miss

i spent the day in bed
imagining how it felt
how when i looked into your eyes
my heart would melt

but that means nothing now
because youre not here
and i would sing to you
through the sorrow youll never hear

last words from our last fight
and how what i said now can never be taken back
im sorry
pouring through the strength that i lack

in love with you like summer

im not the type
to love so freely

falling
after he clipped my wings

and im sorry
but i know sorry doesn't fix a thing

especially when it doesnt mean a thing
i have no desire to believe

i cant believe you
ive been the one to deceive

and i know what it means
absolutely nothing

still... its nice to think
that everything was an accident

and we are where we're meant
but that idea is a present

and its a lie
to cover up what we try to hide

what we feel inside
and for me, that is nothing

who do you think you are? who do you think i am?

youre crazy if you would ask for this
i am nothing
i am less

brown eyes causing a war
civil between my heart and my head
they never connect

fuck those who say theyre blessed
ive been climbing for years
never able to work myself out of this mess

im so over liars
telling me im stupid
to be a fighter

telling me what to believe in
telling me i caused the fire
saying that i tossed the lighter

the revolution of me; though nothing has changed, really

i havent checked
the pages piling in my head
sorting through memories
watching tears as they shed

i should have been prepared
to look back
and regret it
as i did while i was living it

why did i spend so many days fed up?
taking it as if i deserved this
ive seen pictures as they depict happiness
but you know ive always been great at hiding it

maybe then i felt it
on and off
but it was there
my heart and my head never play fair

so does that mean i miss you?
lying, when i told you i was through
nevermind, i doubt it
i was always number two

dont drag it out

yes, i lied
i told you i would be fine
but you should have known
there was no point in what i could have shown

because whenever i tell you i feel
im avoided and ignored
so cut the strings
i feel nothing

and theres nothing from you i need
because you could make me bleed
a procession is what i could see

wondering who it could be
the girlfriend was the last one he was with
cuts on his wrists

crimson in them
crimson ego showing through
flowing blue

youre right.
i never know you
because you wont let me through

but now, no one else will ever worry about that too.

im a mess when im clean

i wonder how cold it will be
i wonder how long it will take me to drown

that bridge
the memories which cross them
like my mind

my condolences to the bride
throwing herself over

like the circumstances she considered below her
marrying a man who didnt know her

they all died
like what i feel inside

he told me the cracks
i could conceal
just hold back on what i reveal

but i dont want that

a life full of facts
a life holding me back

like that woman had
maybe thats why she did it

because for those few seconds
of gravity pulling her down

she felt important,
necessary

then her body hit the water
and that ice cold sea

tore her from the seams

of perfection
and the idea that everything is always as it seems

how pissed she would be
when he told her she wasnt perfect
because she could bleed

then the water pulled her down
how stupid was she?

to believe that she would float
to believe that she meant a thing

fall to pieces

shes been watching too much tv
told me that she loved me
but life is full of maybes

and what ifs
i dont feel the same
i dont want to break her heart

but i dont feel that way
these curtains block out sunlight
turning the days into night

and her hearts burns
but mine churns
watching summer turn cold

as these feelings get old
feeling trapped
like my past

when she told me she missed me
i could say it back
and i have to live with that

cant imagine anyone else feeling so broken

no faith in me
no faith in you

i respect those who can put their hearts on the line
to feel a god they cant see
to put their lives on hold to intertwine

ive seen grace
like my mother pulling me out of a broken mess
child of the state

but i cant see passed that
the literal savior was the woman beside me
the woman who made me

this morning, it brought my past back
realizing what i lack
my innocence and childhood i can never get back

but i dont want that
i want now what i thought i understood
before being pulled from my lonely neighborhood

i think im making the right decision
only trusting what i can see
however thats never set me free

holding me back like a newborn baby
my daddy who tied my wings
telling me what i could never be

i was lost in the sea
currents reiterating that i should be down on my knees
to pray for forgiveness, for something to which i had never agreed

how could i believe in you?
when you never helped them believe me?
when i was only doing what was best for others

putting little girls and boys futures before me
i never wanted to stand in front of a man who womanized a baby
but i realized it had to happen before he marked another three

still he walked
smiling as he talked
because a twelve year old girl

couldnt show twelve others her
and what was taken
they were mistaken

and proved god was only faking
allowing another mean man
to keep on breaking

so if you can trust him after that
if you can see passed his past
well you have a faith that i lack

and i would never wish for that

gotta live until you die

there was so much i wanted to say
that needed to be said
but in reality, the words lacked depth

and not enough could fill in the holes
in the blanks
and sentences with fragments

i needed her
not want
but like i had to have her

and these are just filler
nothing compared to the feeling of her
curled up inside

curled up beside
i want to feel that love
that right now is just distance

come home from nashville
the city lights cant break apart my insistence
they can fill cracks

but never with what you left me.

a part of me felt like i was broken too

glass coffin, golden crown
he breaks what isnt broken
then lays me down

water fills up the insides
drowning me in myself.
holding onto the outsides

hoping it doesnt show
because verses never speak the truth
they emphasize the emptiness

but right now i only feel wholeness
and holiness
with the god who burdens me

tell me that im weak
you know that makes you a liar
you know that im a fighter

and i spent every day holding on

call me a liar
tell me im choked up in imagination
and that love is just a fascination

because i can do nothing but agree with you
holding on for three years
denying all my worst fears

and yeah i lied
because it hurt
fake heartbreak feels the worst

god told me he could clean my slate
if i could wash his son's feet
but ive had enough of being on my knees

praying for someone who doesnt believe in me
and keeps fucking me over
burning down bridges before im over

now youre asking me to follow?
as if my past didnt prove you lied
to a little girl trying to take her life.

the end isnt permanent

whats the line between life and death?
i know its something ive crossed in my head
the cross says its permanent
and its hell if you pursued it

but does that really make me something less?
just trying to get closer to where im really meant
do i feel more once it is met?
or will i still be fighting, hands tied in another net?

i was always told that white is pure
leading me to believe that crimson is cure
and i shall be wrapped in silk
as if my body is more

but they told me if i were lighter
things would be brighter
leading me to starve myself
proving i was never a fighter

so ill pull this noose tighter
glad that i was never lighter
glad hanging made me matter
more than words that shatter

christ lied
heaven hurts
questioning what
we fought for.

its not enough and it will never be again

even after my eyes were dry
there were no tears
the blood came oozing
like all of my fears

tell me what that means
that its not my feelings
i didnt realize you felt a thing
at least, not for me

like cold water
ripping me from the seams
that white linen
wrapping us in feathered wings

lost in
i never realized you knew it
burdens
and the way you hurt us

you told me it had ended
well not that it ended
but the lacking words
let me know it was over

so tell me that you love her
so i can burn this clover
and get over the boy who loved me
tell me that its over

am i wrong?

tell me what you think youve figured out
why this lonely girl turns inside-out

maybe i just changed my mind
or saw something i hadnt previously
like that you cant mean more
im just evening the score

i told you everything
so why are you still lost?
while i see right through
with the little things you play into

and im starting with the past
the heartbreak rolling into that
falling fast
and the hurt thats lasts

im not forgetting that
its something important
something we both had
though it could never be that bad

choked up

i used to feel so free
like i could drink up the universe
and be complete

well, right now im feeling completely alone
and desperate
desiring what i could never imagine i needed

hope
because right now
i feel so ...

like nothing
and thats worse than the worst
like i never get what i need

but i dont understand what is needed
but now its been completed
and i just feel defeated

this song is overplayed.
and my heart has overstayed

honestly, you could never make me feel worse about myself than i do. than right now. this darkness reiterates the intensity that is my loss and loneliness. even with a mother's death, i feel more lacking. as if shes impacted me more than i could have ever expected. someone i have never met.
i made an idiot of myself. thinking that was what you wanted. carefree. but truthfully, i am not to be the type that is careless. rather, i am careful and concerned as to what everyone is thinking about me every moment of everyday and once i feel content, i only feel lost again. my blue isnt blue enough, my heart isnt open enough, and my thoughts arent deep enough. i care too much.
while my head is in the future, i am afraid i will never make it there. the past will get the best of me again and maybe next time, i wont make it. i wont awake again with that same nauseating feeling.
bed for a week makes my heart weak. i never thought about what it means, but now i realize this illness is stronger than ever. whenever i believe that everything is perfect, its only a facade. my heart is gone.

trying to finish something but i have no idea where to begin

i dont know where to start
i gave you my heart
then you ripped it apart

hopeless
scratch the hope
i feel less

i expected you were like the first
you made my heart burst
however you were easier to rid

guess i gave you more
than you ever needed
as if youre ego had never been feeded

and youre calling me arrogant?
only reciprocating
what i had seen

much less of a man
i had expected
i guess thats what i get for expecting

and not for protecting
im over these games
ive lost interest

trying to tear apart something that had already ended

thats what scares me the most
the end
the fact that everything that meant so much
is nothing now
and i feel cold

even in these sheets
meant to be shield
my feet are still cold
sending shivers
of how i feel

lost
like everything was a waste of time
because it got us nowhere
it brought us ten steps back
back to where we said "forever"
not knowing it would never last

ive been trying so hard for this poetry
but these streets i grew up on
abandon me
as if it never meant a thing
blood was shed
like the autumn leaves

crimson red with october
burning sage and four leaf clovers
they never did a thing
but raise hope for a lost cause
and tear me apart
with my faith in a god

"the untruth"

youre touch burns through
i used to think of reasons to play through
but now thats far through

poetry about you
rhymes just come in twos
you said you were cleaning up
i say youre cleaning out

ive tried so hard to make it obvious
hoping to god you were reading this
hoping, maybe you would regret it

but i dont think thats happening
and while it was short lived
i couldnt stop laughing

so lets just stop pretending
that theres anything
and that everythings alright

when you wont even speak to me
tell me why youre not speaking to me
because thats the worst thing
you still make my knees go weak.

Maybe it was my heart, or maybe it was my mind. Sometimes, it was hard to tell the difference.

i want that
that longing
and the hurt

the kind of rain that burns
feelings like it:
when they fall,
they break apart and splash everywhere

i want to fall apart
but be alright
because its what im supposed to do
in your arms

instead im holding myself up
holding myself back
from being open and honest
i thought we were beyond this

but you changed
once you stopped speaking
there was nothing to gain

but it was my body blamed
ive been wracking my brain for reasons
reasons why there couldnt be us

am i just too much?
the same reason which interested you
or rather, lacking?
especially in mystery

i want you to be with me
i dont want to play games
i want to be free

be proud of me

remember crayons?
coloring the sun a bright orange
telling me you loved the stars
because regardless of how far
you could always see exactly where they are

i remember the night sky
black like an abyss
back then i could never imagine
that one day i would be swimming in it

i remember crossing the streets
and looking both ways
holding your hand
knowing with you, i would be safe

now im diving in
worried about the future
wondering how ill get there
ive never felt so scared

but youre still right here
the way you guide
the way youre near
once again,
theres nothing i could ever truly fear.

leaving you because i love you

i dont want to say goodbye
goodbye is scary
and my heart is weary

but i realize that we're never going to change
and we'll both keep getting hurt
so you can give your heart to her

im always lockd up in my head
while youre locked up in your heart
i will never let you in

so now we can restart
i got ahead of myself
and you didnt know what to do with yourself

so let mutually walk away
tell ourselves we'll both be okay
and maybe we'll believe it

eyes closed

when i cant say what i feel
itll only make things worse
but i want you to know what is real
when youre so well rehearsed

i know when youre lying
youre so full of yourself
but keep on denying
i heard you the first time

youre tying nooses
wrapping them around our relationship
and burning the bridges
we had only just began to build

why wont you leave?
take the hint?
youre the last i want to see
and the only one isnt me.

you can hold onto the bed sheets, but they wont hold onto you

yeah this loneliness is plaguing
and losing me in my thoughts
breaking away from what i thought i wanted
and it was all for you

i kept my promise
even after i lost you
for no god damn reason
you left me broken, but breathing

and thats not even the worst part
we didnt even start
you just led me on
to cut me off

while i confessed my everything to you
you said that was the thing you liked best about me
you always knew what i was thinking
just like last night, i still feel the need to let you know:

i fucking hate you
i hate the way you act like nothing ever happened
and i play along for you
but even worse, i still want you

i know when im losing you

empty bed
the sheets that once tangled us together
now are cold like the weather

i feel lost
like the autumn leaves
but keep on hoping,
youll come back to me

i let you go
as you asked
but only on the outside
the memories still last

but i tried so hard
to erase that face
replace it with another
but there was always a trace

now im sick
in bed for a week
cant imagine it any other way
havent eaten in a week

stomach ache

you asked
said you never knew what was true with me
but there are some things i cant fake
like you, i cant keep my eyes away

and i dont want to seem hopeful
but i noticed that look
like you said you had had the first day
like you remembered my name like yesterday

ive never been the type to miss
the one to hold onto the past
as if it was something ideal
but you made me feel something i previously didnt know i could feel