probably okay...

dont forget who you are
in order to become
who you think you wanna be

hope you change your mind
before you get the chance to leave

i guess i forgot all the things that i lack
and misconstrued
all the faith in me you had

cant believe ive relegated myself to this
tallying every single day
in cuts on my wrists

and maybe i wish for things
i know can not happen
just so i can add it to
the things that we had been

or maybe i just know where i belong
but dont know how to get there

holding myself back
because i need shelter

but then i wondered why i changed my mind
going from so sure
to almost blind

but thats probably the thing
i run away from my only dreams
cause im afraid theyll bind me
not set me free
like im supposed to be

that itll be just like every other thing
clipping a baby's angel wings

i thought that i had grown up
and realized what i was meant to be
but im out of luck

the things we wish for

and i hate the space
between our words
and lines that curve

but i keep thinking that if i close my eyes
everything will be alright
like a dream
out of sight

and the things we stumble on
theyre not what we wanted
they pollute our hearts
like the haunted

but tell me things are gonna change
that life with lines
should be rearranged

if you give it time,
it will be okay
but i just cant wait for the month of may

i know that there are things we lack
like patience when im tearing at seams
cause its holding me back

but i dont know if i can deal with that
the idea that everything i have
will be what i had

letting go of things that made me mad
didnt realize that pursuing your dreams
that leaving, made you so sad

so ill take all my dandelions and stars
pack them up with all my scars
and take them to a new start

make sure i dont leave them where they are
where theyre never meant to be
with what i was never meant to see

being just a little baby
loving the way a knife lets you bleed
knowing why you cant hold me

guess im finally getting away
running away from where i stayed
hope its gonna be okay
'cause i cant sleep another day

the whole of this hole

do you want more?
cause i feel like your grasping at strings
to tell me my love
is a meaningless thing

and i know
things lose their importance
when people change
realizing they want more of this

something that wont ever happen
but we made a promise i guess
i promise ill try my best
going out to sea without a life vest

but i know we both lied
pretending we couldnt remember
the way we used to lie
hoping if we hold it in
we wont tear from the inside

and i realize we broke the rules
polluting stanzas
with words we use as tools
to build up our walls

when letting go hurts
and i dont want to know any more
that things we tried our hardest to consume and delete
well they made their way out
and they made us weak

hope you realize you mean everything
you mean the world to me

"I wanna be something I'm not ever going to be"

maybe thats what we're missing
the strings that lead us nowhere
take us ten steps back
back to where we met
and what we want is never what we get

he lied
being hurt is a prize
something amazing to golden eyes
seeking adventure
when time flies

and maybe i should take a hike
figure out who i am
before i take flight
i guess i never realized how time flies
when things we need are out of sight

six months
thats all it is
and maybe im damning myself
wishing for something
that cant happen

when all we want is to mend
the hearts that we made bend
i know we cant take it back
you cant forget
and i cant forgive

but i keep holding onto things
i know that i lack
like strings that carry us back
tied up to old things
retracing steps like a map

who we think we wanna be

i think i have too much to say
the words pile up

and maybe im drowning
in what i thought i would be
and disregarding all the things
i know we could be
because i know its nothing

but im like a kid
imagining things
playing with ideas
when the truth abandons me
because its hurting

and i recognize im moving
too fast and too young
but i make a habit of that
growing up too soon
when we hate the things we lack

but maybe i can draw a map
on bronzed skin
for a summer
that will bring me back
hope thats where my heart is at

i guess im wondering what this means
staying up all night
trying to cut the strings
and tie a knot around damaging things
people who knock you down to your knees

and forget the things you said to me
out of anger and hurt
i know now what i kept myself from realizing
i broke myself down
because i didnt want to admit who i can be

that theres things we bury deep
and try to hide like a shameful baby
but i didnt realize what you are to me
trying to say goodbye
but never taking the leap

because goodbye is scary
when youre leaving behind everything
and the people who loved me
they cried theirselves to sleep
'wanting to be something they wont ever be'

but thats the thing about honesty
i wont ever know if you wont tell me.

bluebird, dont fly too far. i wont know where you are

I guess it was mostly just weird. Being on the other side of loving him. Seeing him after so long and remembering the way I loved him, but not feeling it.
He looks so different. Not in a bad way, just not the way I used to remember him. When he'd make me walk on clouds at the sight of his smile, now he's just... there.
And everything I held onto is lacking. Making me doubt the feelings I thought I had for him. But I have to wonder if its because he changed or I did...
I know we grow up; thats not the problem. The problem is that I dont really know what happens to the things we used to die for.
I thought love was endless and that when things fall apart, my heart would pay a pension. Like an hourglass, slowly diminishing.
But the truth is, we dont hold onto the important things like we did in our youth. And that, instead of taking the blame, I'll put it on you.
And I hate myself for it, not being able to stand you, because we've switched positions. When you used to have control over everything, especially my heart.
So I dont know where that leaves us. Dont want to tell you goodbye, because I know there was a time when those words would bruise me.
But I can't feel the same way I did when I was a child. When I used to think I was so sure of myself. Of everything I wanted. And I wanted you, I know that. But looking back now, with no intentions of sounding apathetic, I dont know why.
Sure, theres a side of me thats probably spiteful. When you used to play with me, because my heart was full.
And I was a child, but I couldnt help that. When first love strikes where you least expect it. Like at a church stoop.
But I recognize that thats what boys are supposed to do. Teach you a lesson. Teach you to respect yourself enough to not love honestly, but to play games. But my heart refrains. And I get hurt more than I should, because my father taught me lies hurt. So I'm honest. And tell myself that the human race is beyond this.
But we're not. So I guess that sucks. And I'll forever trap my heart in my head. And think before I say what I feel.
Because why would I tell you that my love is real? I feel bad. The fact that my teeth let out the words before I think. That my heart speaks due to my overwhelming empathy.
You should know before we say goodbye- we create cycles. I lied and I broke a heart like you did.
And I'm sorry. We made plans with no intentions of fulfilling them. Because I cannot look into green eyes without green eyes.
But a paragraph is pushing it. I dont feel the same. The end.

found the gap

i know its scary
knowing what we are not

thats the worst part
recognizing the lacking
when everything is missing

hope you miss me
and that you realized how ridiculous
holding onto broken threads is

when the strings caused it
dying just a little bit
to realize what the bottom is

but a burden can be
more than we expected to see
when hearts bleed
though we didnt know they meant anything

and i hope you see what i am now
that love makes us crazy
but a broken heart can calm you down

and even worse
it flaunts what we never found
when we sleep in oceans
with hope to drown

but you told me things get better
and life hurts, so ill write you a letter
to tell you i feel better

now that youre far enough away
because you never wanted to stay
and ill say something to the effect of
i hope youre okay

but you know thats a lie
because youve seen my face
i hope youre hearts like mine
things hurt until they decay

youre still all that i think

stupid, build them up
wanna tear them back down again
wanna turn it into something new
all your walls
should have used bricks for them

and i guess i forget to mention
wanna build you up
to watch you fall down again
wanna watch you hurt like i did

but honesty is a burden
to people who have never heard of it
and i hate you for it
wanna take advantage because i can

because you did
god, i hate you for it
scars are made when people bend
and we lose sleep to follow trends

stupid, build them up
wanna make a mess out of it
stupid, build them up
make these walls a trend
wanna hate you less
tear me down again

freeze my features

and i hope it means something
when words bore deep enough
to make me bleed

when i thought you were worth everything
and that you were more
than i could imagine to be

but days are sleepy
when our minds run all night
with things that break me

and make me realize i gave away my dignity
to jump into bed with someone
who doesnt mean a thing

then i realized i do that a lot
never give myself the time
thinking my heart will rot

and maybe we all become something we're not
because who we think we wanna be
never is what we got.

but maybe, thats okay
yeah, thats how a heart breaks
but we are what we create

and its really not your fault
when years of waves
wash away at all the walls

they make me deteriorate
like spaces that we make
but maybe thats okay

when fences we put up to keep us safe
really never did anything
in the first place

i guess thats a mistake we make
spend all this time on things
it takes seconds to break