feels good to feel again

wanna see the reaction of my action
watching scars become my fashion
displaying all that i lack in
crimson red pulls me back in

and i found what works best
somewhere in the loneliness
and feeling less

i changed my clock to the best
wanted to record it
how much time it took
to feel golden

and i know i should regret it
but you should have expected

your words cut more than his absence
i would cut and then id try again
all the way up my forearm to the numbers
which used to represent my saviors from it

you knew what i meant
youd rather watch me cut again
than to admit it

and i tried to make them parallel
but somewhere i found the space between
and made a mark as to where i fell

i should have known i wouldnt miss the sting
that theres nothing positive to my heart it would bring
and life is about more than being
remembering how the cuts were so freeing

take advantage of me; love you for your honesty

i know one day ill care
but right now i dont
wanna feel something unfair
wanna pull apart the ropes

hate you for the way you changed your mind
i thought you didnt need my time
and all you wanted was my body
hoping your kisses would be sloppy

but now you want more from me?
saying you just want to sleep with me
and youll ask me what im dreaming
though it wont mean anything

we stayed until four a.m.
pushing our invitation
waiting in the backyard
wondering how far youll take it

but you just wanted to hold hands
saying you like me and that you love the timing
when i was just wondering if youd get the courage up
to fuck me

and do what you were planning
fuck your best friend over
because you knew he liked me
and you felt like lying

but i dont like the way we're lying
hating you for both your timing
and the fact that you actually like me
it makes your previous statements deceiving

but i guess i hate myself more for who im being
wishing i could get over
the fact that i hate myself
and you for wanting to get to know her

told you id let it go

right now im cursing myself
wondering what i was thinking
hating myself for who i was being

guess i led you on...
the way you talked
i thought it didnt matter
or that it mattered less to you than it did to me
that it didnt mean anything
but youre following me

youre not who i wanted you to be
i told you i was a bad person
so fuck me in spite of my honesty

you said you were different
that you knew your place
and i made a mistake
assuming you understood
exactly where we stood

and it wasnt holding hands
or looking into eachothers eyes
but i figured it out by the end of the night

maybe i took it too far
and let you sink too comfortably
in the seat beside me
when i was really trying to walk away
watching my attempt fail in the shallow day

and you didnt move your hand
not like i expected
when two turned into three
maybe it should have been me
and maybe i should learn to leave

so do you really know where two people have to stand?
when one will be across state lines
probably before its time
and its not alright
because you said you didnt mind
when i lied

i dont want this

its exactly what i tried to avoid with him
not knowing another cigarette would leave me out on a limb
your mouth tasted like coffee
and i liked it in the most poetic sense
always wanted it
but never realized kisses cause wishes
tumbling like promises
after i break them

kiss me like you wanna be loved.

i dont know what you want
i mean
you told me what you want
but i dont think thats it
is it?

maybe we lied more to ourselves
than we did him
you thought this was so easy
didnt realize your heart could be spent

i know youre putting yourself out there
the lines which should bind you
can be found behind you

and i dont get it
how you could be so content
watching yourself be discarded
after being bent

and it makes no sense
after what you had heard of it
and you complain ive never said what i meant
imagining some fantasy of being in love again

but am i really what you wanted?
i know youre putting shit out on the line
and youre still unsure as to whether or not things will be fine

i just dont want you to end up feeling haunted
when realization sets in that im not what you thought i was
and even worse when i realize im not who i thought i was

and youre not who i thought you were
finding something in me
i had no clue was pure
and you really want more

than a girl in your bed
realizing now who i am in your head

in spite of

i know youll hate me
but my lips are burning

and i could explain away
saying you never cared to clarify
until after you watched me rip apart your safety net
i asked what you wanted from me
you said you have what you need
and that it didnt matter as long as i was happy

but are you happy?
are you content with the way your hearts been spent?
i gave it away
and let me clarify, that i told you i wanted to stay
but only as long as you needed me, or wanted me
and you failed to tell me you would care when i leave

so forgive me
...or not
because we were both at fault
i guess i knew the truth,
and that i antagonized the collapse of my heart, i suppose
but theres something to be said about honesty
whether or not i knew without you telling me
you should have expected
and you should have held me down and told me you want me
that this wasnt just for my body
which i never failed to sacrifice for your using

and i would cry
but i know i would be crying for the old you
one that was more bold and less cold
i should have went home

its not a question anymore to be asked
he did a poor job at explaining it away
but i still let him stay
and told him id let him have me anyway

i disregarded your face
you said you wanted to kiss me
but the point was empty
so im glad you didnt tell me goodbye in our special way
the way in which you hold my face
and tell me you had a good time today

i couldnt have dealt
the way you can make my heart melt...
i know im probably self destructing
that i take advantage of the things you tell me
but you said if it made me happy...
the only thing that could break me
is staying

id rather let him have his way with me
and break all the careless things
so i could lighten what ill have to carry
in two months when youll say goodbye to me
and hate me for my belated honesty
could say i loved you madly
but you know you could never have me

but theres nothing to fight for...

and you were right
that im incapable of surpassing the most important things
have to give it all up in front of angel wings

and maybe you dont know what to think
lost myself too carelessly
couldnt manage to find the hope in your "honesty"

and i know this is what i want
just cant find the words to tell you
as i digress from telling the truth

i make a fool of myself
somehow cant bury my hell
wanna tell you about everything ive felt

but i know im getting ahead of myself...
cant spill my honesty
because im leaving

and i guess thats where my body comes in
have to keep myself from losing it
and from falling in

but i dont know how to manage
when green eyes make my heart melt
and i dont know how to find help

when all my promises show my shortcomings
cause i cant admit that im still learning
or dont want to admit that my time here is burning...

and theres things that i cant regret
like spending all of yesterday in your bed
and you said you couldnt get it out of your head

cant wait to see you
and hope its soon
but i know theres things we need to talk about

words ill need to spill that will tear apart my safety net
because im incapable of being just content
have to know the plan of action before i can give in

and you said we were opposites
but i was hoping we could live with it
and surpass the months and miles apart ill be living in

cause i feel something i never thought i could
and you did it.

"I know I mean what I say."

my heart says things my mouth refuses to eject
and should i spill everything i feel
im afraid i'll be left with regret

i wanted to say that i love her
that her openness has opened me
and shes opened my eyes to things id never seen

and i have never dodged the windows like i do now
wanting to say everything i feel
but knowing better than to let it out

and that night in the car
i said more than i should have
and yet still wanting to say more when i could have

i know your ears are safe
that every word spilled are kept in a safe
and i like you that way

never have i ever...
wanted to embark on such an endeavor...
when blue eyes make my heart melt

and you never fail to make me laugh
regretting the nights i have to take you back
before exposing everything i feel that i lack

and though theres a difference
in juxtapose position
i want you to know you leave my heart unkempt

that every moment spent
has left an impact
and i would never take it back

that i love you against everything saying i cant
or that i shouldnt
have to tell you what i previously couldnt

love your arms
and the way they could hold me
if only i had let thee

or if only i had met me
before i told myself the decision is easy
because i am leaving

but my heart is fleeting
and making me lose my feeting
ive never felt so needing