closing statements

I dont usually smoke cigarettes
but i bought a pack on new years eve
And it's become a habit of mine
one that will probably bury me
Something about the polite burning

My words are smoke in a similar sense
They evaporate as i bend
Ill beg for it to carry me
But im not light enough
Not like i want to be

My poetry means more than you ever did
And i wonder if it hurts or if you get it
As you read about other boys in my bed

I Reject the idea that you were good for me because that's not how it felt in the end

I remember sharing a cigarette on your back porch
As you told me what you wanted
I just needed to lay in a bed i felt at home in
And the yellow porch light illuminated your face
In a way i learned to hate in memory
A more sufferable feeling i was able to replace

I watched the way your lips curved around the butt of the cigarette
And i became an addict
Should have muted my desire for the way you would bite my skin
Falling in love too easily was a habit

But after everything
I find it hard to match the ferocity
A crush and my cheeks will turn red
When im complimented
But my heart could never skip a beat the way that it did
When you wanted

I feel a detachment to the emotions in my memories now
Remember writing the poetry but i dont know how
I only long for it because i knew it was something i wanted
I held the torch so long i burned myself
And now i stay on the cautious edge of it
Dip my toes in then run away to another city again

I remember saying no one dives like you do
But you lost interest
And i was embarrassed
Hate to be the one holding onto people who cant do the same for me
So after over a year of grievances
I know now im passed it
But in a way i can say
I was almost saved by someone else
Until i realized i can do it myself