no gods, no masters

You were too proud for my stomach
When you said You are so good at swearing to them
You are forced upon this bottomless feeling
Of powerlessness, self loathing, then a pinch of courage that keeps you going
Only to falter again
But you dont have answers to my questions
Innocent strangers too ignorant to ask why
You say you care
Youre so good at faking it
Know youve won when i break eye contact

I used to oblige
Say that its alright
And cuddle up on the couch
When i could fit in your arms
And Your dissapearances were a consistent mystery
Makes me sick when i think the worst
I would walk a labyrinth back home alone
My feets unfamiliar distance
And i remember burning my finger tips
huddled by the radiator with my sister
As we wonder where you were
You were a stranger then and now only more

you dont try to hide it though
Not in white envelopes like before
I would trace graphite letters
Looking for a way i could relate
Where we both capitalize our R's
promise not to make the same mistakes
And i tell myself not to fall for it
Blend in the cursive spelling out,
i refuse to respond when i wrote the date, but struggle on the address
An unexpected fate
I cant fake interest
In a man who uses his children as bait
Its as if we only exist for your benefit
And im so sick of claiming im over it
That ive broken down too much to still obsess over this idea that you promised
We will be happier than the present tense
I just needed your presence

winter cold

I just need this knife to pierce my skin the way that you did

But pain feels different when its self inflicted

And i gave you all of me but it was something you never wanted

Claiming im too sensitive

Because i bruise too easily when your words hit

You were supposed to hold my wrists so that my fists could not punish my own skin

But you loved it

In a way you could say

"I tried to save this girl from her own shit"

Then come home and tell me i have to deal with it

Im not enough

And you always knew it

I was an anchor

And the only thing that made me worth while 

Was nights you wanted the softness of my skin

Its sexy when i bite my lip

Because you know its a nervous habit

Displaying my weakness

I stutter up word vomit

Twist my hair

And beg for empathy

What can you expect

That a girl be delicate

After reality had been beaten in

Polite and fragile paper skin

And i chip my nail polish tapping the keys again

People who arent poets always try to relate

Feign interest

Gain conscious 

Then hate me for it

And yeah youre right, i forced it

Im so sorry i loved you too soon

Needed your presence

Any way i could get it

But you used me and punished me in the worst ways

I did not feel safe

It was a quick comfort for me

But to you, i was quick sand

Ill never know who i am

for three months ive grown, too

I knew better

Though i wish i didnt
And im begging to open up about it
But this feels different
I tried to talk to someone
But they felt unrelated
Not the response i was hoping for

I know trying to relate is a masochistic chore

I dont know what to say about it
Can relay the facts
But explaining how i feel
I claim a detachment
And even standing in front of you
I felt awkward like a stranger

Your face looked different
The light in your eyes didnt change
But the conversation did
Feeling nausea over your day to day decisions

Not the same as when i was a kid
And we were closer than i can imagine now
Realization poured in years ago
And it still makes me sick

You were never what you said you would be
I take honesty to the extremes
But like you, cant keep to anything i said i wanted
I know im shitty, but i let them know it.

But you still fake it
And i dont know how to fake the same
Twisted relationships my brothers and sister somehow can
The idea is so innocent in nature
But it just seems like cruel punishment
Feeling a hopelessness i know i shouldnt

trace a thinner state that i know

I felt cracked like the skin
Of the people in the paintings
And i felt impatient
I would hate as your eyes gaze
Feel a soft touch
I know the intentions all too well
And it was something i hated
But i cant speak up
My mouth is jaded

The idea that i must go along with it
Claim im sensitive
I am but shallow
Blush because im modest in a way
My heart drops to my stomach
Feel raw when my poetry is mentioned
Its something im proud of
But not something i feel comfortable with
Outside confining walls
Come alive as it gets dark
And my facade fades
I feel the decay

Curling up to sleep in a cage
Not sure if its even comfortable
Contort my body into something beautiful
But i am alone in sheets
And in my bed
Memories that prey on darkness
Feel like a concealed mess
But in my poetry honest

My heart beats as i repeat it
Going over past occurences
How i feel about died out notions
It will get better if i work on it
I dont know if i am
Attempt to follow paths i believe lead to happiness
But i obsess over the negative
Feel swallowed by how ive been molded
And judged because i cant be understood
Stand off when you try to get closer than you ever really could

closing statements

I dont usually smoke cigarettes
but i bought a pack on new years eve
And it's become a habit of mine
one that will probably bury me
Something about the polite burning

My words are smoke in a similar sense
They evaporate as i bend
Ill beg for it to carry me
But im not light enough
Not like i want to be

My poetry means more than you ever did
And i wonder if it hurts or if you get it
As you read about other boys in my bed

I Reject the idea that you were good for me because that's not how it felt in the end

I remember sharing a cigarette on your back porch
As you told me what you wanted
I just needed to lay in a bed i felt at home in
And the yellow porch light illuminated your face
In a way i learned to hate in memory
A more sufferable feeling i was able to replace

I watched the way your lips curved around the butt of the cigarette
And i became an addict
Should have muted my desire for the way you would bite my skin
Falling in love too easily was a habit

But after everything
I find it hard to match the ferocity
A crush and my cheeks will turn red
When im complimented
But my heart could never skip a beat the way that it did
When you wanted

I feel a detachment to the emotions in my memories now
Remember writing the poetry but i dont know how
I only long for it because i knew it was something i wanted
I held the torch so long i burned myself
And now i stay on the cautious edge of it
Dip my toes in then run away to another city again

I remember saying no one dives like you do
But you lost interest
And i was embarrassed
Hate to be the one holding onto people who cant do the same for me
So after over a year of grievances
I know now im passed it
But in a way i can say
I was almost saved by someone else
Until i realized i can do it myself