drunk and productive

Its much easier for me to flee than my sister who tends to see the good in everybody

But she finds comfort in boys who can be drunkenly controlling
Finds beauty in misery caused by triggered flashbacks
She feels everything relates
And Sees it in his eyes
He loves her
But he cant find the time
To show anyone
Need another bottle of wine
Or something stronger
Something we would beg our father

to give away
Please stop
Please stay

Im not stronger

Though i said i was
Claim there are walls ive built
To not put up with the same shit
Decline the idea that i have a weakness
For anyone who prefers to get drunk
Than get passed it
We're all a little fucked up
Its just different

Instead ill pull my knees up
And beg for this bathtub to burn my skin
Choke on the evenness
Of water pouring out of the faucet
Sync my breathing or get lost
I feel a little better
I feel A little delicate
When the pinkness prospers on my skin
Muffle the piano i hear in the background. Music
I try to relate

i hate the mirror and what i see in my fogged reflection
And i wonder what i can do
To be beautiful too
I already know that i am most days
But i mean in a different way
Because i dont know what to say to someone who doesnt want to be saved

And she knows it
In a way i wish she didnt
She would ask whats worse
Declining the recognition
Everything is alright
With blurred vision

She would make jokes
In attempt to ease tension
But i was statuesque
Understanding this wasnt the half of it
As she wrapped her arms around someone
Drunk and belligerent
I wondered if this was what she wanted

He was right.
I dont care
Not about him
Ive Formed the same kind of detachment
From who should have sheltered me from this
More than i didnt know what to say
Wanted to know if she told him about our father
And ask him if he thought he was okay
Knew he would say yes
Because when he gets drunk,
He knows she will stay

I dont get it
As ive repeated
And i wonder if its some sick need to care for people who cant take care of themselves
a reaction to a role we grew up in
The faces change
But the memories are reiterated
As we get a little older and realize
That this would envelope us
Just wish it wasnt so soon
Just wish there was a little room
To make our own decisions
But some of us fall into it

And as hes passed out in my backseat
We talk about our past
In a weird way
In which we dont feel safe
But like victims
Who see the same things over again
Im in a compromised position
When everyone notices the abusiveness
I hope she can get through this

flightless bird

I am begging myself to feel drunk and brave enough to cut where his hands had touched me before he changed his mind

I thought all my scattered stoned thoughts had made sense

But inspiration is a privilege

 and i tried to force myself to focus on an old flame

That had already died away

So im trying to get myself to feel high and worthless enough to write something i deem of value

Because i know this is where i lay

And turn my music up enough to get lost 
Ill feel my heart and breathing match the rhythm

But not listen

Obsess over a poetic reputation

He made me feel something i didnt think that he could

Confused currently on the cusp of crying

I feel it welling inside of me

Now i am over the edge enough

To divulge the truth

Honest about my insecurities

I speak nervous and softly

Fuck up my words because im struggling

My train of thought comes to a hault

In a silence too comfortable

It is overwhelming

I roll my eyes and hope you think im lovely

My intentions are sweet

But theyre compromising

I am divergent 

But write repetitively

I will be anything you could want me to be

Forever in the pursuit of an affection

Something i must feel i lack as i lay in this bed again

chainsmoke my words

i am in love with the ability of this beauty
when i miss a girl
she used to wrap her leg around me
as we would sleep

god i remember melting
i remember my eyes deceiving
not seeing beauty in me
despite her begging me to feel reflected
in eyes i beg now to remember the color of
just the softness of her skin
tanned, i remember glowing in flame
and her turning my radio up
enough to dull pain

i tried to reconnect
but instead felt belittled
which resulted in refrain
i do not fit
where i used to
not on her childhood bed
in the room i would throw rocks at a window above

she wrote about me
it still gives me butterflies
the same way she did
when we would read our favorite poetry
she would say this reminds me

i would feel suffocated as she laid beside me
but for some reason tonight
im searching for the same feeling
i remember only she could give

youre going to run out of things to say to me

its not an excuse
just some scattered reasoning
for not speaking in so long
when i get high
my mouth shuts,
so my brain can run wild

i dont know if things happen for a reason
or if its all just coincidence
someone just close enough to touch
passes and then i hear some music about
what does god really mean?
when he cant do anything for me
its fucking upsetting
and it doesnt help when we vibe over hating our lives
it just further distances me from maybe
theres a reason im still living

im going to run out of things to say to you

i dont want to open up
its probably too late
through everything i said theres a detachment
and i wonder if you get it
more so now as you said you wished you were dead
i get that part
but we never connected
not like you imagined

my body is not mine

If i get drunk enough to let you touch me
I only wish that your hands hover my stomach
While your fingers draw lines of desire up my chest

Rough hands pull at me tighter
Strike me with this feeling i am only sex
That poetic words mean nothing to modern boys
Who prefer the melody that could go along with my broken voice
If only i was talented

I dont know why i feel the way i do
Why i put my body on display
Why its important for me to be adored that way
But i feel lonely when its asked of me
And convince myself thats the only thing you wanted
Although i know not initially, not intentionally

And tomorrow before you wake up
I rush to cover yesterday's make up with
The same outlines i learned give me a fresh face
Conceal the circles caused by sleeping too much

I am always in bed
Whether it be alone or with someone just for tonight
Just to sleep next to someone
Just to get high
And then undress
Do whats expected
From the pictures i sent

I am not callous to my sexual conquests
Not like people believe
I use the energy to obsess in poetry
Ill have something to write down
When i cant sleep at night

I promise these stanzas define me
Theyre the whole of me ripped out
Begging for light to shine on
I want an explanation for things i feel
Which i know do not make sense

I cant make my mind up
Or keep to anything before its not what i want anymore
More often i stay stationary or rather go along with it
Because i know this is what i said i wanted
But not anymore
Just the idea hurts
Its like something is pulling me to make decisions ill regret
Or will cause a mess

I dont know if i loved you yet
I just convinced myself because i wanted it
I dont know what that makes me
I was earnest when i said it

ayhuaska

I was seven the first time someone had seen of my body only what I had seen. I was half asleep but nodding awake as he carried me from the bed where his wife had cuddled me. And to the couch where the only thing that could get me through was to watch the shadows cast by the ceiling fan spin and begging it to fall on me. I bang my head against the wall for not saying anything. But i was seven and did not fully understand what was happening, only that it was wrong and I felt sick and sure that my whole life had changed without any warning. Without even asking me

I was nine before I told anyone because I was ashamed of where my body had been as if I had any choice in the matter. I hated my own skin, wishing I could scrub it off. I had no choice being involved in that man's sin. But I fell victim. And all the same when it happened with my high school boyfriend. I spoke up, then gave in. Stifled sobs as i focused on the television. And I never told because I knew better this time. It wouldn't do anything. I learned to lay back and take it. And at the least if im not interested, just go with it. I cant be protected. And it feels as if now I'm a target. As I grow into my own skin, on my fifteenth birthday, my mother's husband slides his hand down my side, follows curves puberty "blesses" me. I feel uncomfortable, of course knowing now what it means. Fleeing to my mother who doesnt say anything. Some more marriage problems shes tired of handling. Most days I feel so insecure, this doesn't even make sense.

And today, I base my own self worth off of something I hate. Wanting sex more than love. And hating the difference when I get ahead of myself. I fell in love with someone and I fucked it up because I'm fucked up.

yesterday

I still feel like dying
But I push it away most of the time
It seeps in when Im vulnerable
Lying next to anyone
Feeling naked and comfortable

I liked rubbing your back
Because I felt necessary
naked bodies mocking the curves of each other

I know that anything more is unlikely
Us both being damaged goods
Although myself a little more permanently
I just want someone to sleep beside me

Even with 100 degree weather
I get cold when Im lonely
I strip down so boldly
Because I liked pretending
thats the whole of me
Despite struggling with the idea of "holy"

I knew better than to over-stay my welcome
hesitant with your sleepy breathing
soft rise and fall of your silhouette against my stomach

I affixed on painting in rhythm on your back
with gentle finger tips
following the amethyst
and feeling comfortably insane
imagining someone i missed in your place

and I dont know you
I dont want to
I dont want to say anything with you
Feeling insecure
and falling apart
loving someone else
who is distant
just curing the edge
with physical attention

I feel stupid for yearning
Begging for something not available to me
I put myself out there
So I could be shut down invariably

im just something to play with
too heavy for something interesting
instead ill pour candle wax on my skin
begging for an alternative to letting anyone else in
every fucking person fell through
and i cant do it again

"up in our bedroom after the war."

im self - destructive
in pursuit of frivolous things
a relationship without any backing
knowing now i rushed further in
than i was ready for
i slept on the floor

and i locked you out
to prove a point
which still wasnt made
you knocked on the door

i painted everything red
constantly checking emails
hoping i'll get fucked
by someone else

and im getting tired of faking it
saying i feel something i dont anymore

but im obsessed with the drama
of turning true love away
forgetting every promise we made
i cant sleep in the bed we laid

tonight with the scratches across your back

bed ridden star freckle
checking emails constantly
begging to mean more than i deserve
but feeling unsure
tearing apart both worlds

as if i could see through brown eyes
tugging you close with gentle fingers
curled on either side
begging for you to tell me what it meant
nodding off but knowing i cant sleep
because this side of the bed is not for me

i feel comfortable when youre beside me
but i recognize thats a common feeling temporarily
sleeping better with anyone at all beside me
now i dont know what to make of these sheets
being a little more lost than usually
when i know she takes her place back after i leave

but i dont want to put pressure on things
knowing where i get ahead
and recognizing its a daily thing
obsessing over every meeting

absolutely no one

how did i used to write?
when i had something different to say?
lost in the plans
and caught up in the past
i dreaded every morning
as if i couldnt leave
as if i dont remember repeating
"the past lasts"
and missing careless summer
the pull of pools of forsaken wanders

the repetition in my head would defeat me
pull me under and deplete me

but obsessive repetitions would complete me
writing poetry easily
feeling as if
in this, im enough

i would be so proud
and yet, so lonely
sharing
"get to know me"
but there was a lack of understanding
and im like
"this makes sense"
found what i needed
usually so mute
but this expresses completely
read this
its perfect

as my emotions change so quickly
it keeps up
when there is a frog in my throat
and i cant speak up
not to you
ill just suffer
and let it boil up
when i uncover

its been a while
and i feel raw
forcing myself to share it all
or high alone
in my car
scared as shit of what im doing
regretting decisions
i havent completely made
wondering what its like on a different road
in a different state

ive proved twice i cant
and finding myself back in the nesting hole
wondering if its enough to stay at home

everything is so deeply felt
hot in this bed
feeling ill melt

why cant i just stay for a minute
burns the tip of my tongue to think about it
but maybe i should try a little less different
i could find an edge of the nest thats big enough
build a life and fall in love

i went out on a limb to shake things up
and though i came home
im not the same as i was

feeling now proud
that i know what i need

no longer questioning whether im brave enough
repeating to everyone
im not the same as i was