yesterday

I still feel like dying
But I push it away most of the time
It seeps in when Im vulnerable
Lying next to anyone
Feeling naked and comfortable

I liked rubbing your back
Because I felt necessary
naked bodies mocking the curves of each other

I know that anything more is unlikely
Us both being damaged goods
Although myself a little more permanently
I just want someone to sleep beside me

Even with 100 degree weather
I get cold when Im lonely
I strip down so boldly
Because I liked pretending
thats the whole of me
Despite struggling with the idea of "holy"

I knew better than to over-stay my welcome
hesitant with your sleepy breathing
soft rise and fall of your silhouette against my stomach

I affixed on painting in rhythm on your back
with gentle finger tips
following the amethyst
and feeling comfortably insane
imagining someone i missed in your place

and I dont know you
I dont want to
I dont want to say anything with you
Feeling insecure
and falling apart
loving someone else
who is distant
just curing the edge
with physical attention

I feel stupid for yearning
Begging for something not available to me
I put myself out there
So I could be shut down invariably

im just something to play with
too heavy for something interesting
instead ill pour candle wax on my skin
begging for an alternative to letting anyone else in
every fucking person fell through
and i cant do it again