my body is not mine

If i get drunk enough to let you touch me
I only wish that your hands hover my stomach
While your fingers draw lines of desire up my chest

Rough hands pull at me tighter
Strike me with this feeling i am only sex
That poetic words mean nothing to modern boys
Who prefer the melody that could go along with my broken voice
If only i was talented

I dont know why i feel the way i do
Why i put my body on display
Why its important for me to be adored that way
But i feel lonely when its asked of me
And convince myself thats the only thing you wanted
Although i know not initially, not intentionally

And tomorrow before you wake up
I rush to cover yesterday's make up with
The same outlines i learned give me a fresh face
Conceal the circles caused by sleeping too much

I am always in bed
Whether it be alone or with someone just for tonight
Just to sleep next to someone
Just to get high
And then undress
Do whats expected
From the pictures i sent

I am not callous to my sexual conquests
Not like people believe
I use the energy to obsess in poetry
Ill have something to write down
When i cant sleep at night

I promise these stanzas define me
Theyre the whole of me ripped out
Begging for light to shine on
I want an explanation for things i feel
Which i know do not make sense

I cant make my mind up
Or keep to anything before its not what i want anymore
More often i stay stationary or rather go along with it
Because i know this is what i said i wanted
But not anymore
Just the idea hurts
Its like something is pulling me to make decisions ill regret
Or will cause a mess

I dont know if i loved you yet
I just convinced myself because i wanted it
I dont know what that makes me
I was earnest when i said it