too soon to say miss you

but the thing is
i overextended what you were worth to be
just so you could take advantage of me

you said you wanted to see me
without me, you were dying
forgot to mention you were lying

but theres things i still dont get
like when you said you were my best friend
and what the use in me is

when you make every piece of me bend
but theres no more heart to lend
when we end where we begin

because strings give in
after years of pushing and pulling
they have enough of it

and i dont know what there is to gain from it
that light will finally show on the darkest bits
and the ground will recover from where the lightning hit

when feeling enough is different from being it
i guess i tried to force myself to where id never fit
although it hurts being on the other side of it

i recognize now i was never a part of you
and holding on is damaging
to people who never meant a thing

you were hoping for a fairytale

this is not who i thought i would be,
falling for a guy for the way he looks at me.
and what will this do to a person like me-
someone whose heart is already out at sea?

i recognize there are anchors in my past
and hurdles, which i have yet to get passed-
things still dealing with the last:
because repairing is a task

but at least i can say i tried
maybe not enough, but i couldnt have lied
and im sorry i said "no" when you needed to talk
but things cant be cured all in one walk

and honestly i couldnt find the time
to care enough or find words that rhyme
and im sorry love, but theres no more space
for you or for anyone in my masochistic race

but i never understood how you could love me
when you never even knew me
so consumed in what we could be
and so broken when i tried to set you free

we're just kids- supposed to love honestly
not wrecking every chance at honesty
and im sorry that im not sorry
for what we never could be

but you were entranced like a baby
obsessed over every single maybe
not realizing what they would be
the first time i ever said "no" like a lady.

but youre brown eyes show your defeat
not that youre over me
like you always should be
still cant see what you see in me

when i broke you down to a single piece
lying about being holy
and wanting you wholey
when i couldnt even love you part of the way

sleeping on the other side of the same room

probably just forgot
who i was
and how much it means
to be un-free

and im afraid shes right
that i'll change my mind
but this time, it wont be alright

sometimes things love you back
but thats highly unlikely
so i try not to think like that

i guess i just really wanted to be your savior
but i didnt exactly think about what that meant
the things that keep my heart bent

didnt realize that was something that binds me
when indifferences blind me

im sorry i wasnt enough
things never work out how theyre supposed to
making promises we could never get close to

i guess that means i lied
to you and to myself
took forgranted all that i hide

but i really wish you understood
that walls you put up
are not around the ones you should

and it gets to a point where
we're so angry we cant even comprehend
turn against the ones whose love we should lend

but you wont give in
convinced you should put more love in
to someone who makes your heart bend

and it gets to a point
where theres nothing to mend
when it all ends

when the bruises transcend
and though they show only on your skin
no one here wins

except for him
and i can feel it in every limb

tell me how i dont understand
that youre the only reason he stands
and that youre the only one who can

and hes really changed
and that you have changed
your mind wont change

youll stay away
even though your heart decays
his side is where you should lay

he promised this time
and he told you he wont lie
you just want him to call you "mine"

and everythings alright
but if they try to make you testify
you say youll lie

and you made it all up
because you guys made up
and your bruises healed up

but remind me what you said before
that you hate hiding what he does to you
and that you learned to hate blue

because when you find one
you can always find another two

maybe thats the worst part
that the victim doesnt recognize what she is
has to cover it up for her boyfriend

in the doorway.

the sun rises later..
i dont know...
maybe i just forgot or,
maybe i just havent been here in a while,
or never woke up at the proper time to engage in watching the sun rising

i probably shouldnt have crossed that line
the one in white
i probably tore apart your sanctuary
like i know i did mine.

and i know this isnt the time for poetry;
poetry is sexy.
its like "here you go, heres my heart."
but thats not what im trying to do
...in fact, its the opposite
im trying to take it back...
take it from someone who doesnt even know they had it.

so, yeah.
back to the lines

they used to be so clear to me
ugly, yet respectable boundaries
who we are meant to be
and what happens if we're not

we drop off the edge.
thats the line
its a cliff
only, you cant see over the edge.
and its just understood you dont want to know whats at the botttom

but i was stupid
and i thought
and i questioned
but never really got to the answer before jumping
i thought "hey, the beautiful possibilities,
like a field of flowers,
yeah, that would be nice.
or a huge pile of pillows
the softest and fluffiest.
the best place to lay your head."

so i crossed the line...
still havent landed...
still havent reached the bottom
or smelled the roses.

but a plot twist-
i changed my mind
i dont want to fall
hit my head

roses have thorns
and falling in love
is stupid
even worse when hes a friend
i feel different
like i could get my wish
but i dont want it

dont want to break what is given
hate myself
and what i havent done yet
but i know i will.

things that dont feel the same

but maybe i just never was enough
and its okay because we lose who we are
when we lose touch

but its wonderful bullshit, you know?
who they said we were meant be-
knowing it would drag us out to sea

because we always want to believe
that theres something more to me.

i was hoping you just lost your signal. or got the numbers of my number all mixed up. and you tried, but heard i wasnt there. and i cried, but knew a broken body wouldnt be fair.
so what happens from here? after trying so hard, do we give up? i know we lost touch, but i miss your feather touch.

i recognize im holding onto your apologies. thinking the strings will lead me to impetuous things. like golden bodies intertwined in sunken sheets.
but i have a habit of dreaming unrealistically. that raw emotion could surpass those boring things, like emails wishing my best and all the lies that lead.

however, im confused as to how i got to this. fuck politely writing the lists and detailing every bit of conversation.
then i went out of my way to see you again. should have apologized sooner for the rain and the following weekend. hope it ends.

hope your heart bends. and mine will win.
hope everything i never said comes out. and we'll have everything to talk about.
hope im not being stupid. though i know i am...

i know the features blur. and your head swells from all the artificial and lackluster conversations. i know things arent what they seem and people lack extremes.
wanna show you all the colorful things. wanna make you happy. wanna help you breathe.

cemetery on a hill vulnerable

think youre lovely; wanna love you.

but i guess theres things we should get used to
like not being the one to choose

and i know that i dont know you
just thought you could be different

didnt realize there was any heart left to be bent
hope you know that i am well spent

and things meant more cause hope was lent
when words mean more than your absence

guess im still trying to make sense....

so what did you mean
when you said you were open

and you tell me im free
and that its up to me

but i still feel pinned
cause you never penned me in

now i just feel stupid
trying to prove where i was lead to believe i was worth it

but i never got my email in
where i told you i was ready for it

ready to see where i end
and what the future could lend

but ill give in
like every other weekend

that ill spend bent
on empty-hearted doorsteps

and ill take the first step
like when we first met

guess i never saw my bed in the morning
and being away so long is sobering

trying to explain the things ive been harboring
hiding away is better than realizing

where i really dont wanna be
hope you dont find my body in the sea.