"feeling more but feeling lost" 12/9/13

i keep getting hung up on who i thought you would be
but thats the thing-
the sun doesnt always shine in the right places
displays one, but not the dirtiest of faces

hands too cold for your story to be told
loved you once when i was feeling bold
because alcohol had my feelings mold

i was told the scars mean something
but whether or not it was for me
youre not nearly half what i thought you should be

i wanted to get deep
but whether its because past leaves you unkempt
or im not worth the time spent
im still not near enough for you to give in

i always feel like im standing on the opposite side of the street
looking in, but feeling beat
and though i know who i am
im still too young to know where to stand

i dont want to call it a drunken mistake
but feelings lagging are feelings without backing
but everything which happened make way for feelings of hatred
not that i care if you love me
id be okay if you faked it

bedroom eyes 11/17/13

i know im leaving
and its only been a month
although far unlikely
i hope you like me

though the depth is still lacking
i feel like you could understand me
i put myself out there
although not forwardly
i want you to know i'll miss you

i was worried before
about time being wasted
and though its something i hated
i realized it was the truth
i moved too slow
to tell you what i want you to know

that i like you
despite what i mean
despite that i lost my bearings
i like the possibility

its not something i choose to admit
god, trust me
its done a lot of damage
more than i can handle
but less of what id rather

home has this sick after-taste
when i told everyone
what it meant to be free
i realized that the chance is unlikely
with chains still tied around me
who i said i wouldn't be
i should have returned with "probably"

i hate the thought of what they'll say to me
they knew i wasn't strong enough
and that they knew i wasn't so tough
but to say that they would be wrong
is a vast understatement to this all

maybe thats why im going back
recognizing more
that this place uncovered
what i hate that i lack

she said she thought it was mature
not knowing that i lied to get more
although never got to why the skin was tore
pointing out whats wrong
but not hearing enough
to know just how much

she said she saw it was piled on
that though i can deal with it
she would hate what it did
when everything i said lined up
pinned against a wall
the sick timeline
cognizant of what it meant to fall

what it meant i lacked
when i was brought back

overwhelming awareness

justifying we're just two different people
filtering what you say
begging my heart to flutter
but it doesnt the right way

burning for evidence
im not totally heartless
just some concealed mess
hoping you'll find the purpose
or if im using you

as a recreational drug
or someone to get my mind off
someone who fucked me over
im not supposed to love her
or another aid in getting off
that was really the same as number two....

i just liked the way it sounds....
as if i was stronger

i harbor resentment
probably against the wrong person
claiming she took my focus away
knowing better
she never even filled the space

really i was sluggish
and unsure
while he knew his place
self-aggrandizing
with the wedges he makes

again the resentment misplaced
saying i hate getting drunk
but its because of the person it wakes
an honest version of me

drunken courage id rather hide away
claiming things id rather not say
and despite the fact that you know
i still feel my heart is caged

so maybe thats why i cant move
claiming ive made so many feats
just need time to get on my feet...
pretending i'm past it

but im so stuck
and maybe im trying to change you
because i think i can change if you do

typical stoned 18 year old

i wonder if youre focusing on all of the differences
let them spite me
where i fit in
and where i dont
i focus on idealizing things
trying to misplace the real feelings
i know im not who you want me to be

begging for you to change the things which dont suit
purging all i built up
for empty promises that will make me believe
i will be redeemed for staying mute

but i let the spaces in between tear me up
geared to skip
appearing where you let
i know im not enough

but i make people who dont even know me
influence how much i think i mean
posing like a mannequin
but manically recognizing i dont have the muscle span

its too easy to wrap my heart around
this idea i think you demand
but knowing better
ill seem desperate
being honest
ill try to be anything you've ever wanted

i'll turn the volume down
and hope the fuzz doesnt follow
and i'll change my mind on former passions
my eyes could rest
the white light blurred my mind out anyway at best
and it let my heart get ahead
some stupid misfortune
understandably coming from the territory
of an eighteen year old girl
burning to let words have a turn

its everything i shouldn't be anyway
another thing i base my self worth on
an ability which should be taken away from me
always voting for the other team

0203

just some variation
or wishful thinking i'll be less fucked
and idealizing this isnt a wave
its all my choice to be crushed

i swear i keep making that same mistake
as if you wouldnt believe me
if it was anything else i wouldnt like to admit
well, you wouldn't hear me screaming

and i check every day
idealizing there will be a change
but i dont know if i want it for you or for me
trying to convince myself otherwise
but knowing better i convince selfishly

and i find myself begging for last summer
but banging my head against the wall
because im not who you want anymore
and im not who i want anymore
recognizing my journey was fruitless
and being reckless
cut my heart into a mess

tempted to make symbolic material things
dying in consideration
i gave it all away frivolously
slanted the importance
of someone who wanted me not just to want something

i wonder if thats what im doing
i like to say im self-aware
but carelessly wrecking a love too fair

and in a race to win the affection of someone unlikely
and prove what?
to follow through is far unlike me

its just
fingertips meant more when they were yours
touches slight enough
to stay behind lines i bore

and i dont know if i want to drink
because genetics crossed the lines you didnt
or if im searching for the same feelings you give
thinking i can recreate everything
maybe bodies the difference
but knowing more
im desperate to think it will fit