i know its different

do you still write?

wondering why i thought this would get me anywhere
putting on pressure
its not the time or the place

holding onto things im not meant to be
wondering now if i should have moved differently
or if that would have changed anything
begging for a representation of feelings again
went about it in a way i couldn't win

and wondering now if you were trying
to dig deeper
or just make sure
i was honest
when i said i was fine
i know girls lie
but i meant it at the time

but this is how it always ends
me stabbing myself in the back
knowing, only after, what i cant have
that is who i want to be
bedroom eyes encompassing

i dont know why i bother writing
burning to explain
but turning up empty
a lack of satisfactory

or why i'm writing to you
as if you'll ever get it
some lame excuse to throw a fit
i told you
blurring out the honest bits
exaggerating for more effect

all i really want is a chance
pieces shining through
though im nothing like you

puppy dog or wide eyed
eyes shimmering
a lot like the last time

i throw it all away
too quickly
not knowing how to connect any differently

and wanting too much to appease the audience
a lacking in trust
shows where my heart has been bent
and even more
where its been spent
i can feel it in my stomach

rationalizing
its about time
cutting for the bold me
knowing now
it wasnt worth a thing
swallowing hard as you tell me
regretting who i said you were to me
knowing now you were far too sweet

and biting my tongue between my teeth
thinking, but never speaking
i dont say enough
only barely there
and out of touch

i know its something i said i hated
that awkwardness
claims my heart be jaded
and while i am
id like to start again
i said i dont play games
but i want to win
go forth and honest
where ive never been

daysleeper// people who are toys:

cant make my mind up
long enough to stay undressed
promising to compromise
but knowing better than to.

feeding into lines

and in some headache
causing a wreck
disheveled but awake

everything is not how i thought it would be
in neat little boxes
abiding lines
and just what their mother taught them to mean

swallowing hard
and checking the time constantly
let it confuse the rhythm of my fingertips
drumming not so patiently
the desire to feel something
aka distort every surface of my body

but bodies intertwined
let my body unwind

she calls it an intimate understatement
just a little misspelled
she likes making it harder for me to tell
but its probably just a little mistake
like grammar inconsistencies
little notes where i'd tease
wondering if she was talking about me
saying i inspired her
but knowing better
im not the one who does anymore

daydreaming
one day, i'll be more
he doesnt write enough
and theres a lacking in promises
let it scatter all my plans
i wont ever be more than

and i'll spend all day in bed
sleep talking about things i'll do
when i finally get through
reminding myself of habits i hated
genetics cause my heart belated

crawling back into where i thought i got passed
should have learned last night
im going nowhere fast

things i do to (narrowly) avoid getting stuck

like teeth grinding together
i come to a halt
when im not who i want
fingers stuck on caps lock
telling me to scream
at the computer screen
but knowing
unfortunately better.
that wont do a thing

and i was honest
something i usually refrain from
or narrowly avoid
because i dont like being a toy
responded with indifference
the lack of understanding
like what i said
had no backing

but im stuck
less like a train wreck
not knowing where my head fled
or what to do with whats left
taking my emotions for face value
though what i can say is lacking in value
wondering if when i speak
it will mean more
because its not a familiar thing
or less
because no one's sure what can be trusted

but i dont know what matters more
the proof being in the promise
we'll see how it ends
or if it doesn't
or if what i said could be misconstrued
i meant it
no less
and if you want to idealize more
i wont stop you
but i won't lie and say youre right
just compromise on what i said at the time

still,
my heart feels sick
almost as if
i let go of something i wanted
or put myself out on line
lying i would be alright
im not
just mesmerized with the lacking in tendencies
for less than a couple of weeks

i was so proud
stupidly
forgetting the facts:
addiction gets the best of me

too weak in the mind

lying sideways
and head propped though its a nuisance
im pressing hard
trying to make head-way
but thoughts locked in a clear case
its a nuisance

i am not what the pictures say
or maybe i am
boil it down to the surfaces of my skin
and curves that mean more than
they say pictures are worth a thousand words

and pulling the covers up
trying to cover skin
as if i care who sees in
thats not a problem
pulling the covers up
trapping myself
holding my breath
and avoiding the light being let in
through my somewhat
or makeshift marrakesh curtain
it never occurred

im writing differently
in some sad attempt to seem absolute
ridiculous still bound by
someone else's truth
still bound by
not cutting so he couldnt see me
a prison
becoming stricter
when i placed the scars so no one could see me
its all a nuisance
bottoms drop out
and the scissors come for blood shedding vengeance
i dont care enough
to stop it
or to let in
feel the need to sleep on it

but also recognize old tendencies
are tomorrow's fantasies
i know better
or i dont care
but rolling my eyes at the time
wondering if i'll be cured
or only feel slightly alright
either is true
not concerning myself
with feeling less abused
i know i should give up
but not enough to make an active effort
i enjoy embarrassing myself

shaking my teeth loose on your table

and just to reiterate im not who you want me to be

in idealizing, you tore to shreds every honest piece

you only take what you want and spill all the rest

claiming it was a mistake while i plead no contest

but you dont know what you said
between hardly buzzed words
it fucked all my plans
wanting to leave the strings unattached
but finding i'll only be damned
because i cant help but to feel bad

so i warned him
a prerequisite
before i could get what i wanted
asking where you were close
and receiving confirmation
you dont know what youre thinking

stumbling over ideas of me
not seeing the bleeding
or for future projections
where you'll be bending
knowing im not who you want to be
careless is fair bliss
until youre knocking on my door at 3am
and i wont let you in

sleeping in a new bed seems so ideal
but im too young and cynical
to reciprocate how you feel
i have crushes
but none which last any more than a month

so heres where i draw comparisons
knowing without back up information
i'll never win
he asked me if i was just going to sleep with him then bail
the honest answer would have been yes and no
i am who you want until i get home
it probably made him question then what he wanted when he fell
it wasnt me
changing plans to fit the scenery
drunk at two a.m and calling

and again when he said it wasnt right
i was seventeen and drunk
and memories last more than one night
telling me he was leaving in less than a month
but i am careless
some sort of proof he doesnt know me well enough

so here's where you draw conclusions
recognizing the tendencies
and that theres no room for you to mark territories
noticing scars only under bright light
and water hot enough to burn the skin right
bring the old sentiment to the boiling surface
white lines covering legs at night

i know not enough to move forward yet
understand not enough
to say i know what i wanted
im not pristine like baby skin
and i cant cover enough to let you in