say i dont need a home as if its not all ive ever known

and you can say you miss me
but you cant tell me you miss me?
seems like something is missing
like every i love you you wished me

or maybe im forgetting
fell asleep during the ending

i want to hear you say it
whether or not its meant
i want to feel what i said i never would again

i thought i missed you
but everything you said
gave way to feelings of hatred
damned the possibility of us making it

as if you even cared
you always faked it
have to wonder if youre leaving again
cause you got what you wanted

broke a promise
then said you hated me for it
as if it was something i did
when you burned too many bridges for me to love again

Bitch

she said she'd be back
although reeking of cigarettes and alcohol
and not knowing what i lack,
said she loves me because i have it all

and i hate to take it back
but i used to love you with all i had
but you know what they say about what we have
most of the time, it becomes what we had

and though i miss
the juxtapose position
of your heart and your body
i know what i cant be

love you cause youre lovely
hate you cause you couldnt love me
fuck the presenting
like you could be mending

know those things happen slowly
but i wanted you to know me
forgot what close means
to you, its nothing

and i hate to say
i felt every piece breaking
hurt more than the making
knowing you couldnt save me

you said you could promise me
as if you know what a promise means
love you for your honesty
hate you cause you lied to me

hate how when its over
you become everything i need
and in that moment, i felt everything bending
i couldnt bleed

i couldnt breathe
cause honesty happened too unexpetedly

i would rather not know
i could be content
with not knowing how my hearts been spent
or better said, bent

i could be content
with the distance
you were always far enough away
to make me wanna stay

why did that have to change?
why couldnt we be okay with the way we lay?
although half-hearted and lonely
i thought i was the only

but there were little things aaron told me
that broke the most important things
like who i wanted you to be
but i guess thats what you get for expecting

i should have known better
you are who you said you would be
made you something in my mind
something too lovely

i remember getting drunk
and saying i love your silhouette
and i miss your bed
even if the reason i was there was in my head

and i love the places i was lead
when im nostalgic for the feelings bread
showed me love i hadnt known i wanted
so you could get what i didnt realize you wanted

i guess thats where ill find myself haunted
like a net ive been caught in

ariel

drunk girl writes about being in love and fucking up
she clutches ariel to her chest like a bible
singing "c'est la vie when God makes you pretty"
and she said she doesnt know what it means to take turns
when your curves will always mean more than your words

if shes sober, she makes herself lonely
i told her i love her
but she said she'll always be the only?
but i hate the way she told me
her heart too far off to realize how coldly

but i remember the bold me knowing
what a burden can be
when you can look but never see
though you say for you its easy

but is it?
drinking everything to feel anything
wonder what it took to bend
what it took to leave such a pretty girl unkempt
and who you'll be when i re-mend
because i believe i can

but thats not love is it?

trying to change will make a heart rearrange

use it for flowers

hate who i made myself out to be
a drunken, horny version
tangled in self-loathing
and cheers to false hoping

i am not like him
having to get drunk to feel the moment
only to be careless
i always wish that i could care less

and he caught me
getting a little too friendly for his liking
and i said sorry
but only to spite me

i remember everything
from the way her eyes were glistening
to the way her back felt against my teeth
but i recognize theres a difference in meaning

that thats just how she is
leaving me to want more of it
regardless of the fact that she'll feel boredom

and though ive never felt something like this
ive never been so sure of it
so alright with feeling my heart be bent
all the while knowing she could never hold it

and i find myself going back to the drawing board
knowing how i am when i am torn
crossing my fingers i'll change my mind
before i begin pressuring myself for more

who i want to be is a frightening thing
because i know the real me
something too callous for the making
exactly the product of what i should be for my raising

so heres enough to make you hate me
and ill force myself back into the box i made for me

written in "an atlas of the difficult world" by adrienne rich

maybe i let myself sink too far
changed my mind about finding the heart
shouldve known better than to try to restart

and you said you know better
well then, tell me who i am
and what i cant
when i know i can

and you said i made a promise
a drunken one, but i said id be honest
well, then
i thought we were beyond this

you said you have five minutes
relegating me to spill all my heart
knowing i wouldnt fit
i knew i wouldnt find my niche

say you dont understand
that the plan isnt in what i am
but in who i want to be
someone you couldnt see
because ive always been the worst of me...

but theres time for changing
isnt there?
i know theres still time
to argue time isnt fair

and theres days when the cross is too much to bear
cant find the light
shining behind angel hair

but i said its what i wanted
regardless of how unfair
would tell you im ready
but i know my voice would tear

other memories from disposable cameras

i dont know what this makes me
or if it even makes me into something i previously wasnt

but sometimes we wake up with scars we dont remember acquiring
trying to pick up the pieces
repeating and resenting the timing

when the word on my wrist is supposed to remind me
but who was i kidding?
lying about the way im lying

when i spend most of my days here defying
who i thought i was
or better said, defiling

and i dont know if i changed my mind because im leaving
or if i made my choice based on who ive been being

maybe a change in scenery
will mark a change in me

because this morning
i realized im getting too old for this shit
hating who i was
when i get drunk enough to bend

thinking i was too bold to be left cold
you said you appreciate the way i write
but does this change your mind?
reading about how i change my mind

i fucked up
you were too loud and too proud
you should have hung me up
when you left saying you would come back
glad i didnt want you back

i knew right after i had what i wanted
that every blurred memory of your body on my body would leave me haunted

and i want everyone to know i dont regret everything
at several points i made the right mistake:
forgetting my camera
realizing the things i thought were good stories in the beginning
years later would only remind me of how im glad i took advantage of a new beginning

though i fucking hated the ending
sitting there all doe eyed and gnawing on my bottom lip
listing all that i lack and the places i found bending
and when you think youve seen it all, it was just the tip

we didnt talk after that
both knowing if we had that night back
i wouldnt have displayed all that i lack

and i would have taken the stairs
although harder
i could have avoided the corner
every decision i made led me straight to the coroner