Idk maybe I'm butter

 I had a dream my hands were soft

And when they touched yours, they melted
And slid like butter over your hands

In my dream
I glowed
The same yellow gold
Warm and dense and heavy
I tell you i want you to swim through me like

quicksand

I want you to like who I am

But when I wake up
My hands are calloused
and rough

Ive ignored my hunger long enough

I dont want to be held
I dont want to melt in the heat of your arms
Or be sliced and spread thin-
Told im better soft and malleable
But im a county fair sculpture in the end

We sleep with the windows open

And listen to the sirens as they pass

I tell you I love the rumblings of the city
But i miss the patter of rain on metal

I dont tell you
I hate to look at ceiling fans

I want to give you
grace
for your ignorance
Less the due diligence
Placated by your privilege, It is easy to be dismissive

I tell you
I thought I was wiser from the broken bones
But they disfigured the truth
And lowered the bar of what is deemed abuse
Too fearful to define
(Or, rather, Diligent to remain obtuse)

I ask you not to say I'm overreacting
As I'm dry heaving my anxieties
I am sick from being told
my lungs decieve me
So even as I know that clouds move
I tell myself I'm crazy
I believe you
I tell myself you can vindicate me

Spotless mind

 I have been a fortress for my vulnerabilities

And when I ask you to be a person who gives a shit about me
You say I should never expect empathy from any boy I hope to fuck
6 years
and I'm still not enough

You resent the things you do not shelter
You get angry at the curtains
I had a dream I was watering a dead garden
Then left the only flowers you gave me to rot on the table
By the time I leave you,
I am hanging affirmations in mirrors I'm too anxious to speak in front of
I am stumbling to recite that I am worthy of forgiveness and love

You told me
my body is a weapon
That I am hollow without
You've become so powerful with possession
I let you turn my fear into guilt
And feel embarrassed
for the struggles of my parents
But you steal my poetry to add depth to your music
And claim
you could be a hero when you want to be
Or If you cared enough about me
But you get spiteful when you're entitled
And its my fault for ruining things
So when you ask me why I'm smiling
I know it is yours to take
And personified then burned at the stake
A competition when love is faked

Last week You took everything with sentiment
And said you're going to erase my memory
But you left anything that doesn't serve your purpose
And I re-enact a Spotless Mind with trauma breaks

My therapist asks me if I feel safe
My family says it's nice to see me again
I go to Cambridge and dance in the rain
I drive up the coast of Maine in a hurricane
Then I hate myself for still being angry
That you were fools gold breaking my teeth