i was young enough, i still believed in war

cuddling close when i dont know what to say
because you leave me breathless and scared to death
moving faster than the decay
your movements mimic mine
hoping im more than passing time
but always feeling reassured when you look at me

i disregarded differences before
believing opposites attract
but your magnetism means more
i sent you songs
and you sang along
feeling complete as if you wrote the trapeze swinger for me

but less than a week terrifies me
always unsure of myself
too tempted to forget my past
when im thinking you could last
and always wondering if im diving in before the water is warm
afraid i'll leave empty handed
or with less than i had when i jumped in

im terrified of opening up
but comfortable when you match my ferocity
and hearing about your family
i feel comfortable when you lay next to me
blurring lines
placed after defeat
i feel like with you, i could sleep

laid out for tonight

im not thick skin draped over broken bones. i still get ahead of myself, stupid believing in myself, stupid ideas of having better judgement. im not invincible; i cant dance barefoot in poison ivy and not leave red. i cannot rise to the occasion. im still proud i can get out of bed on occasion.
i still bite my bottom lip, pulling off dead skin with my teeth. thinking they were left chapped in the winter, but you cant pull it out like a splinter.
i still have to curl my fingers and force them to behave- stupid to think i left my writers block along with my loneliness. but realizing pulling my legs up is only a sulking mechanism- im not passed it. okay with staying stationary. thinking a valid response is filling myself with negativity.
i never know what you mean. they say pictures are worth a thousand words, but i never know what to say.
or maybe im just begging you to mean something. getting caught in distance instead of my heart. my head is further invested. i only like you because the idea is not legitimate.
you said exactly what id hoped you would. that its not likely, knowing if i wanted anything else, that would be unlike me.
but i have to be a bitch and hide from any promises. trying to find the strength ti apologize for my defense mechanism. but that would mean ive grown up or that i like you more than i should.
its just youve held my interest longer than expected. i thought id chosen the perfect target to share a drunken bed with but only now its more complicated. normally its all or nothing.... but with you, i take what i can get