insecure/self-assured

but i cant get passed what staying up this late means
petrified, bold
leave me fleeing from the scene
i know not enough
to leave without pieces being left of me

i should have gone at goodbye
should have stayed when you asked for my side

its three a.m. and the bed is still made
knowing i wont get up until the light will fade

and i thought "a slow dance" sounded more like a lullaby
something cognizant of what i should find tonight
but forcing myself to be somewhat alright
rolling my eyes when i can't get by

boiled it down to the sleep in my eyes
but you know the distance
several hundred miles
before i can touch the skies

apparently thats what they boiled it down to
a drop in location = a drop in dreams
i guess they knew more of it than me
'cause since i moved i cant find the sleep

and i know my head is spinning
being perched too long
and eyes hurt
cause my thoughts to blur
too long staring at the bright light
to configure
what i want is more

the ability to say what i mean
when i finally speak
...if i finally speak
not pumping in pills to feel somewhat something
id rather feel slightly obscure
but they think the tendencies will be cured
while i think i'll feel more
not realizing the emptiness is worse than any depth
or confusing what i want with the thoughts in my head

when i asked if you were awake
you asked if i was okay
maybe i should have told you "no"
i made the wrong decision in coming home
thinking i could be helped
but was responded with feeling more alone

i know this doesnt make sense
god, nothing ever really makes sense
does it?
we always just feign interest
pretend for the best

but maybe it never was
you dont have time
just in your nature to be benign
or feel bad because i was of use
and you got screwed

you know im naive
but i like to pretend
i knew it all in the end
bluffing i have the same intentions
but i only ever feel pinned and you win

logical/fully-aware

"I'm tangible. You feel me?"
but youre only close enough to be seen
and just enough to know you'll be lost
if i blink
i get what you mean
although not ideally

the gap is too large to jump
and spaces in between
misrepresent what my heart means

or what is okay to say
after a month
of liking you this way
not the same
when the clock delays

i stayed up
as you told me i was beautiful
and you liked me more
although i didn't know how to react
the compliments took me back
always pulled downed by what i lack

"there were holes in you,
the kind that i could not mend"
but you said its easier just to bend
maybe it is
and why it hurts so much more
because the proof is still there
when the walls are torn
scarlet and known
that i was born to be worn

maybe we do spend too much time
searching for ourselves
in someone else's eyes
or worse,
realizing thats somewhere we wont find

but all of this talking gives me a headache
knowing where its going
and its going nowhere
but knowing more: i don't care

four days
or less
because i counted yesterday
but i liked the idea
better than three
rhyming with the way it reminds me
of the tendencies

i make decisions in a panic
knowing if it wasnt in the plan
but i'll do what i can
to get out
anything to retreat
from something which is scary
despite the possibility
it could be good for me

or maybe im only questioning
because of what im missing
or what everyone is saying
that im becoming exactly as i should for my making

but youre only cognizant of what ive told you
bolder now when the distance is miles between
reiterating its best if youre not what i want you to be
if youre only someone to fill the space
to make me feel better
to tie me up like a shoelace