thanks for loving me

maybe im not what you wanted me to be
couldnt find the heart to tell you differently
i know i pushed you against a wall
tried to explain myself but felt empty

and theres things i wish id said
like that im sorry and that i like you
but timing was off and now i feel dead

and theres things i cant be
but i can promise you the worst of me

i know im incapable of loving
you dont need to tell me
or plead that i wont feel hurt
ive never felt more

or maybe i just missed my mark
came in on the wrong side
led with my body
and missed out on the talking

but i liked the way you looked at me
fighting the sleep in your eyes
to show me theres something
that came out of nothing

it felt like putting my head in your lap...
and wanting that night back
where i could spill honesty
without hating myself for what couldnt be

and i want you to know that i said no
that i told him it was time to go home
not for you
but because of

irregardless of the end
you still leave my heart unkempt

Apparently I write in order to portray some facade of emotion I actually lack

and maybe im incapable of getting what i said back
but you said its alright
that im not stupid
just said the right thing at the wrong time

and i dont know what made me think it was alright
if i felt something in saying goodbye
or if the alcohol made my head swell
so much that my heart fell

and i made a poor decision
in telling you that i feel something
but at least i was honest
and so were you, when you said we were beyond this

and that youre sorry, but im not it
that you didnt know what to say
to make it feel okay
that you dont feel the same

but i want you to know its okay
that i get it
that i missed where i fit
because im incapable of letting anyone in

and im surprised those words made it past my tongue
that i let myself do this
let it surpass the drumming of my fingertips
then told you it was something that i missed

and even though i told the truth
i held so much back
told you i wanted to be friends too
because of the courage i fucking lack

makes you taller, then shrinks you, then splits you in half

i dont know why im still trying
hoping youll open up
and realize you were lying

to me and to yourself
realize you put the wrong person up
wondering if i can be found on the shelf

or maybe im used up
another comrade discarded
made myself too open
for someone whose so guarded

and i know what you want
although you havent told me
youve made it evident
to everywhere else your hearts been lent

but maybe im finding your side again
finally exposing who i really am
and i told you i understood
but thats not me

maybe i broke your heart again...
and maybe i get what you feel
like i showed you my heart
only so i could take it away
cause i just wanted you to know that its real

and though those weren't my intentions
i know youll doubt the truth
that im just a girl
with just some twisted way to get back at you

and though i havent exactly invited you into my heart
ive done more than i ever do
and ive tried harder
only for it to hit harder

and i hate that i want you
but i recognize you dont get a monopoly on people
and every promise made
was a lie under the steeple

and i could write the sweetest song, but its time to go home

said i wanted honesty, but i lied.

maybe i just wasnt enough
as i had originally assumed
its so much more beautiful
than when i make myself the fool

and i guess i damned myself
fucking myself into a wall
into making myself
feel like nothing at all

and it got to a point
where everyone was so dead they hated themselves
and they just wanted to go back to sleep
convincing themselves another week and they wont feel so weak

so we sat around a table
passing cigarette after cigarette
trying to convince ourselves that last night was alright
that we didnt forget ourselves
and the memories we have can be put on the shelf

but i hate what i made myself believe
that i could be something
anything at all, that is lovely

and you said you wanted to spend the day away
that everything is really alright
you just need a couple of hours to feel okay

and you tell me its too late
that you found your way to the bank
and found the bottle
so i had to wait

and she said she fucked up
she didnt feel angry
but felt the rage
when she threw the cup to feel okay

and we all laughed
but knew what it meant
the words shed left in my journal
to tell me shes spent

and everything i remember
shot my inhibitions to hell
when you had to ask someone to tell me its over
that it didnt mean anything once you got to know her

did i scare you?
i know i spilled too much
that i misplaced my heart
once i felt your touch

and i want your honesty
so i can know how to feel
i hate wondering who i am
and if my recollections are real

go to bed before we say something real

and i dont know what you want from me
trying to detach the feeling from things
but you keep asking what led me here-
to finding who i am and being so crystal clear

and you say you wish you had met me
somewhere between the innocence and watching myself bleed
trying to find out what led me to these doors
how you could open them up and find me on bathroom floors

and you wondered how i could take it anymore
how there could be anything left after all that was tore-

im sorry i tried to make this into something i know i shouldnt
that after everything i said, i did something i said i wouldnt
and that im apparently incapable of keeping my heart inside my stomach
have to say everything i think instead of run from it

and my willingness to open up overshadows what im used to
i should have shut up like im used to

for a second i tried to explain away what i said
and tried to place the blame on the warmth of the sheets on your bed
then still put myself back in my place
when i had to disguise the hurt i felt when i saw all the names

but i guess theres arms we feel comfortable in
and it sucks but theyre not your decision
and fate never asks for your opinion
then shoves it in your face when you lose again

pick you up and turn you upside down

wanna know who broke your heart.

wanted to cry for absolutely no reason. hated myself for everything i was and never could be.

but i guess i took for-granted what you said i should be. that it meant everything for you to say you love me. but now my heart is breaking. and theres nothing to do, because everything is changing.

and i thought that was what you wanted. that you wanted me to lie, to tell you that i lied and that everything i told you about what i feel inside was everything but the truth. that i dont feel the same, and that my heart refrains.

and i wish i never asked you for the truth. that i didnt pressure you into telling me your deepest secret. that it wont feel alright when i leave, and there would only be more emptiness than i should leave you with. that youll miss me more, and that youll remember how your heart was tore.

and you broke apart your sentences, keeping words to a minimum. knowing you dont want to say too much, because you dont want to watch it all fall apart in front of you. and spilling your guts feels like hell, unlike what it should. and i remember the way it felt to hear you say i was beautiful. how my heart dropped, because i had to say no and that it was time to pack up and go home.

but it still doesnt change how we feel and it hurts so much, it has to be real. and time puts a strain on what will remain after tonight. i took too long to say anything back. to reply to the most heart wrenching apology ive every heard. "im sorry i love you."

because honesty is a burden. i had to say something knowing it would hurt us. but the truth is i feel the same, but cant tell you the truth because i know what it would do to you. that saying i love you is ironically the worst thing i could ever do. and saying i want to try would foreshadow the cutting of strings. and watching everything break and burn as they fall to pieces.

theres already a hole in every day i saw you, where i watched everything i feel fall in and drown. and the strings repeat, promising everything will be fine, that we can get passed the past, but they all lie, saying its not like the last time while displaying the same signs.

i dont want to lose you. at this point, id rather lose myself than have you regret what we told each other. even in this awkward eery silence across the table, i know i miss you. that i want it all back, that i want you all the way back.

contorted to fit

maybe i forced myself in
thought i could find comfort with all the boxes
didnt realize id be sleeping with foxes...

and theres things we should take back
like saying i love you
instead of the facts

and im sorry for not being honest
that i made you believe that we were beyond this
when i dont really know where we fit

and i can feel it in the pit of my stomach
hating myself for everything i did
and everything i promised

which fell through like wishes
and everything i forgot to mention
like i dont know where we end

if i want to jump off the cliff
or finally let myself win
by letting all of this go and letting you in

i hate everything i cant forget
like the things i said when we first met
the things which tore apart your safety net

and i hate everything i did
saying i changed when i really didnt
and the whole of what was bent

found my heart is spent
and i let in
more than what was lent

hate you for it
for all the walls i broke down
when you came around

and how im feeling now
like it was never worth it
trying to force myself where i would never fit