Realized im invisible

She walked by me on the train
Didnt ask for my ticket
Maybe could tell that im american
The face looked too dependent
Or with a hand already in a jacket pocket

You think one day i will say
Sometimes i get tired of getting lost
The way they think i run away
Just so i can make a change
Or hope that someone will ask me to stay
Knowing i get headaches in the same place

She learned to relax against the currents
And now only bangs her head against the glass
cant Compare it to finding nooses on my ceiling fans
Like she did in the past
But she still Hangs her head over it
With a face like blank white canvas

He said he could not feel anything
Much worse than just not what i wanted
Couldnt feign any interest
Although i thought he did a pretty good job of it
But i guess i dont have the experience to tell the difference
Falling for hearts with an indifferent distance

im still burning to call someone baby
And i thought that would be you
But youre bored to tears in my museum
Running by the rusty memorial plaques
Where im begging to leave with my heart intact
A history hall, but you dont connect at all
And want your money back
Because you resent all the dirty finger prints
The people who were there before you could get to it
I was stupid to fall in love again

So i bury my head in the snow
Looking to reason with hearts as cold
The ones that visit
Just to say they get it
But tell others not to mention it
the luxury of being ignorant
I fucking wish that i could fit in with them

Young and precocious. Bored and ferocious

I open my eyes and only minutes have passed
Since i felt my ears popping
Dozing off in the backseat
Of a car driving up a california mountain top
20 hours since i last slept
And nightmares awoken
From a startled past

Numbing my hand to imagine
It is a boy on the east coasts
Soft carress against my cheek
Opposite of every one in my past
Calloused hands with rough grasps
Staking claim over a body
They have no more intention in knowing
Than skin
I resent every moment
I put my heart before my head
So i feel like a revolving door for every man
who takes what he wants and doesnt give a damn

I spent hours looking at every page of your high school sketchbook
And burned the memory of your safe place in my mind
Break down every second together in increments
Remember every word you said
I had never felt so trusted
Until you said you couldnt do this through text?

And you are not the only reason
Just another example
Of how i know we all break our backs for people who dont notice our potential
But tell me why
Im still having dreams of you
Where im chewing on glass
Then waking up out of breath
Cut you off from being honest
Because i beg not to hear any of it

In another desperate leap for human connection
I drive to georgia in the middle of the night to see him
Then he doesn't return my call
I never know what he wants
Anymore than i can know why i want him

And i tell strangers everything
So i can barricade myself against anyone i could have wanted
There is a man twice my age on the other side of the world
Who knows my story more than anyone
(Only portrayed callously,
As if it never affected me)
Who idealized me
Until his sexual advances had left me unkempt
Said i must have wanted it
Because i opened up to him
But he only listened to respond
And feasted with his eyes
Then responded angrily, said i was a lie

I have enough friends who tell me
The boys i write about are dumb
Dont know themselves anymore than love
But cant tell me why
I can give myself away
Without feeling a thing
Until im responded with a lack of empathy
The lack of desire for anything but my body
When thats all i can offer up honestly

english boy, french terrace

it is almost 5 a.m.
and my eyes have rolled to the back of my head
waiting on you
or begging you, as i do,
to make a move

and now you know you didnt have to buy me a stupid drink
or use your accent to make my knees weak
my voice is hoarse as i call you baby
hoping you wont resent me (more than i resent me)
when youre so used to this meaning something
because i am used to nothing, more than this nothing

and i think, it is just my luck
we would meet in the south of france
where i fuck myself up for being too honest
and a kiss is my curse to return instead of roam(rome)
you were something i missed
instead of home

so i walk back from your hot flat
where we smiled under white sheets
to have a dream of pulling glass out of my feet
reimagine them now as blisters popping
when i walked the same streets
you grew up visiting
it is hotter than your fingers wandering
the sun has been sweltering
i packed more for this trip
thinking i could handle it

then i go back home and tell myself
you are just like every other boy who
took my body for its curves
and said you loved my words but
didnt know what they meant
just feigned interest enough to
feel my breath on your lips
convince myself you asked for it
(when i know that i really did)
just so i can get over the fact that
some english boy too old for me
doesnt text back
because i felt like i needed him to

and i know after london
i will never see you
aside from in snapshots- brief glimpses
saying you miss my kiss
two days expecting more than a promise
i am too young and stupid
i convince myself
that a holiday fling
could mean more than one thing

Corpse and wood

You swore you could see right through my coffee cup littered floorboard

Had worn that aesthetic before you got bored

And you bet its so petty

Like being spanked as a child

Go on "its a flawed system of justified abuse"

When you have a child, you know what youll do

While i think i should be less sensitive

Before i leave in a tangent

Say more than i should on the subject

It is always more of me than i should have shared

Fuck the boys who are loose with their words and crowned sensitive

While i am better off dismissive

I had never spoken up to you or anyone with such confidence

Yet It still came out as whimpering, helpless softness

But you let me finish

When I should have just steeped in the air of injustice 

Spared the awkward silence 

But "i grew up from a humble background"

And my parents owned a home on a street with grass that buried my feet

Shame by the time i was 9

I had felt the bloody nose of defeat

you are lying too

As you are prying through

Some feigned idea of understanding

Guessing childhood traumas

Like its a game you're landing

It is digging up graves for the haunted

So i can reface everything i was told you wanted

Your rootless, divine ignorance makes me jealous

When you say such beautiful things

I disregard

you are exaggerating me

And grasping at strings

To make me blush

Everything you guess is a flush

And everything you said you wanted when you were getting to know me

Caught me up and made me weak

Only for this honesty to change what you think

april-14

i am itching my skin
peeling off the sunburn of my decisions
it is just as agitating as knowing you are not who you said you would be
that you are closer now to a crutch named "happy"
because im still too young to be your drinking buddy
instead i watch you etch my brother into a carbon copy

so i wonder if im burning holes in my brain
just trying to relate
when she said you were different
i knew, that means more than youd ever been
lost the light in your eyes
yours were duller than mine this time

remembered skipping stones, playing hopscotch
while you preach to me that there is no god
and it all made too much sense
coming from someone i trusted
who had seen more than i can now glorify
i hate that you still make me cry sometimes
wonder what a father who loved god could have been like

we played monopoly on a sunday night
and now im glad you won
that you took advantage before anyone
recite that the shitty things that make me weak
will make me stronger
just give it a week

so i gave it two years
and now i am just as confident that you would remember my name
as much as i could recognize your face
ashamed to say i cried water under the bridge for a minute
before i remind myself the thinning alcohol does to blood
pissed now my crutch cant be Noah's flood
id jump the boat sooner
than you can regurgitate your habit
you can numb your mouth
and mine as i watch
sickly comforted to know
it wont be long
that my friends dont watch for articles
about being dead and unknown

C.C.

i spent a rainy sunday morning
evening the tone of my voice
while you danced around from room to room
Claiming you felt a change
reimagined yourself after meditation or feng shui
you always swear you feel different
Though nothing has happened yet

i get tired of following you
as im sure people often do
So i offer to rearrange your records
by new or old pressing
whatever that means
always lacking the prowess to fill any social scene
and i think about making promises i often wouldnt by choice
then feeling insecure under the noise
i preoccupy myself

you run around with some shameless need for eccentric perfection
hang art the way i hang nooses
as i drink more coffee than you can stomach
and thumb through your collection of poetry lazily
compare myself to everything
come up short of what i really need
i am more hungry for admiration than honesty

so i have been your lover longer than i have been your friend
because i know its easier than anything we could have actually wanted
you hold your paintings up and i cannot imagine you as a separate being
and do not wish to
only hold you at a distance
the timeline is a maze of reckless attention
some cynical phase of passive intentions

west coast or not my home

you only say youre sorry

after youve invaded my borders

and before questioning my comfort zone

i know youre laying beside me

but ive never felt more alone

i only ever feel raw and unprotected

when your fingers graze down my spine

or arm wraps around me tight

before i can say thats not something i can like

a quick reminder men take what they can have

and a little bit of me every time i feel it flashing back

and it pisses me off that you packed a tie

a complete misdirection of where i was headed

when you are nothing of what i know ive wanted

a bit too eager to praise the audience

when i bury my bones in the backyard

for reckless boys like you to harvest

so you remind me of everything i know i cant handle
staying up too late to hatch my escape or over-think
the way i feel suffocated and incapable to speak
too often, tripping over memories that make me sink

i try to preoccupy myself with more important things

people back home practicing knots for nooses out of shoestrings

or breaking their back to not change anything

i am not like any of them

my heart breaks to convince that there is anything redeeming

when we know more of damaging feelings