i am cavalier, you could dissapear

you said you dont want to jump
but all the same made the diving motion
towards a died out notion
that anything could be missed between us
missing the point
that my poetry stays as it was

months ago when  i made the decision
days ago when i ignored your mention
"that you know me"
but not recognizing
it was never just poor timing
and that people aren't things to be known
only memories of bodies we'd hold
and being seventeen last summer
i was careless and bold

and careless is meant
as in i could never care less
i know,
heartless.
but making us out to be anything
would be an overstatement
....leave the witness leading

and if you never recognized before
i never cared any more than i do now
questionnaires held only on one end
speaking my mind
ignoring your lines
and even more,
getting pissed
whenever you shared your less than approved opinion
and i kissed your best friend
with the only regret
being that expectations weren't met
and even more
doing so knowing it was your roommates' bet
to tear apart your safety net

so pin me down with all of them
i am who ive always been
but still being doe-eyed at twenty
you had the wrong impression of me

insecure/self-assured

but i cant get passed what staying up this late means
petrified, bold
leave me fleeing from the scene
i know not enough
to leave without pieces being left of me

i should have gone at goodbye
should have stayed when you asked for my side

its three a.m. and the bed is still made
knowing i wont get up until the light will fade

and i thought "a slow dance" sounded more like a lullaby
something cognizant of what i should find tonight
but forcing myself to be somewhat alright
rolling my eyes when i can't get by

boiled it down to the sleep in my eyes
but you know the distance
several hundred miles
before i can touch the skies

apparently thats what they boiled it down to
a drop in location = a drop in dreams
i guess they knew more of it than me
'cause since i moved i cant find the sleep

and i know my head is spinning
being perched too long
and eyes hurt
cause my thoughts to blur
too long staring at the bright light
to configure
what i want is more

the ability to say what i mean
when i finally speak
...if i finally speak
not pumping in pills to feel somewhat something
id rather feel slightly obscure
but they think the tendencies will be cured
while i think i'll feel more
not realizing the emptiness is worse than any depth
or confusing what i want with the thoughts in my head

when i asked if you were awake
you asked if i was okay
maybe i should have told you "no"
i made the wrong decision in coming home
thinking i could be helped
but was responded with feeling more alone

i know this doesnt make sense
god, nothing ever really makes sense
does it?
we always just feign interest
pretend for the best

but maybe it never was
you dont have time
just in your nature to be benign
or feel bad because i was of use
and you got screwed

you know im naive
but i like to pretend
i knew it all in the end
bluffing i have the same intentions
but i only ever feel pinned and you win

logical/fully-aware

"I'm tangible. You feel me?"
but youre only close enough to be seen
and just enough to know you'll be lost
if i blink
i get what you mean
although not ideally

the gap is too large to jump
and spaces in between
misrepresent what my heart means

or what is okay to say
after a month
of liking you this way
not the same
when the clock delays

i stayed up
as you told me i was beautiful
and you liked me more
although i didn't know how to react
the compliments took me back
always pulled downed by what i lack

"there were holes in you,
the kind that i could not mend"
but you said its easier just to bend
maybe it is
and why it hurts so much more
because the proof is still there
when the walls are torn
scarlet and known
that i was born to be worn

maybe we do spend too much time
searching for ourselves
in someone else's eyes
or worse,
realizing thats somewhere we wont find

but all of this talking gives me a headache
knowing where its going
and its going nowhere
but knowing more: i don't care

four days
or less
because i counted yesterday
but i liked the idea
better than three
rhyming with the way it reminds me
of the tendencies

i make decisions in a panic
knowing if it wasnt in the plan
but i'll do what i can
to get out
anything to retreat
from something which is scary
despite the possibility
it could be good for me

or maybe im only questioning
because of what im missing
or what everyone is saying
that im becoming exactly as i should for my making

but youre only cognizant of what ive told you
bolder now when the distance is miles between
reiterating its best if youre not what i want you to be
if youre only someone to fill the space
to make me feel better
to tie me up like a shoelace

"someone stole the time you thought i was worth."

you said it best
wondering if you ever felt
like i did when i left
that though the sheets were piled up and around you
the comfort never found you

maybe you felt as empty as i did
but the reaction was different
while i was trying to prove the point
you were seeking distance
not knowing what to do with every blurred image

she told me i was a cynic
an extension of my pessimism
as you held me in
the lack of understanding
of exactly where i was standing

but he told me i should be honest
that im old enough to get beyond this
but i think that the only reason im dwelling
is because there was something about that night which was telling

alcohol isnt the only that got the best of me
not the worst being my body seen
although maybe thats still challenging
i was begging for a representation of feelings
because words leave my heart fleeing

but i still wonder what i thought would be decreed
a flag marked body
and you can say you had me
but a lack of ability to say it was lovely
because it would be a massive overstatement to say you love me

maybe i jumped too far ahead
though i know that couldn't be
i made damn sure to let myself breathe
before sending anything which could be too damning

youre not who i thought you would be
maybe more of someone whose like me
though the chance of any depth is still unlikely
maybe its just me
that eyes knew that i was too easy

as i said before
i asked for some depth
something you apparently dont get
or something i dont get
because im not someone to share secrets with
just a bed

but i get it
i jumped too quickly
let my legs spread
led with my body
instead of my head

and you were right again
that theres a difference in age
gap caused by what i hate
the idea that i wont get anywhere before its too late

maybe its too late
maybe it always was
and we are what the past makes
thats why we're damaged goods

like some kind of ghost

you said
though i know it wasnt for me
years before we'd ever meet
i'll die before i find some meaning
i'll die before i can really breathe

but something spoke
to two thousand and nine
four years before
just finding the rhymes
i was thirteen before
just meeting him
six years older
now eight
but not that i think you know the weight

i read your poetry
trying to find what they really mean
if it had happened
wondering if they changed who you had been
eyes not yet met mine
but writing about a sad girl
drunk like the mixed drinks
you made to find me
lonely in a bed
you left me coldly
despite my knowing the possibility

you said the moon was hard to find
crescent reflections placed on the back of my mind
wanted to tell you stories
but yet couldn't get you alone long enough
without the music turned up
too loud to hear myself think
and just enough to cover the hitch of my breathing
you told me to shut up

you were right
the paths that we choose lead us astray
and i made damn sure you'd like me that way
moved forward with my body
because i hate the depth which comes along with talking
the possibility of you knowing anything
of what is damaging to my self-esteem

two hours wasn't enough sleep
and the way the curtains pulled open
shone light through
i felt used by you
especially after
when i left but nothing was said

i know im trying harder
hours between where i faultered
but you saying anything
will lead any girl to believe
maybe its different
not really just the day after
he told me to wait a week after
to say things which could possibly shatter
but im going home soon
not soon enough
but enough to hate who i made myself out to be
young and stupid enough for your using

cause i have been left alone

ask me what im into
because you dont know what you got yourself in to
and you say its not my turn to speak
some different things
after gin, i heard in jen "fuck" in the background
while we were fucking in the background

youre not who i thought you would be
and not that thats a bad thing
far more sweet
than i was expecting
but i dont know if its my fault
or if i should have seen it in the stars
after i told you
about the only constellation i knew
the one which was exaulted
because thirteen is unlucky
and any more reasoning is unlikely

and i thought it meant something as we spoke
two weeks of feeling less alone
feelings bred
yet which still lack back bone
squirming because i dont want you to hurt me
though i know i'll only ever blame me
you were right
its not my turn to speak
thoughts too clouded to say what i mean
i know who i am
even though its sickening

im not ahead of myself.
i want that known
i just broke
and im confused
have the sick interest in being abused
because its comfortable
i hate the idea of feeling more
like cuddling
i hate the holding
like possibly meaning something

but let me know where i stand
if there is interest
or beds are quick sand
quick enough to forget who i am
in a bed i dont yet understand
and probably never will
wondering now if just you had time to kill

"I remember laughing as if you weren't leaving"

my head hurts
knowing im not what you deserve
someone whose eyes
encompass the world

baby blue
i love saying i love you
and the way you loved to turn my radio up
cant wait for the weekend
when i can tell you just how much

and i leave my window cracked
just enough to cover what i lack
saying im open
though you know im pinned
and im a cynic
so you know what it means
when i say im spent

and though it was short
i know i love you more
maybe because of it
maybe because you say you want to forget
when it hurts to miss

we stayed up all night
not realizing how much it sucks
to say goodbye
or that i would cry
cover it up by saying i didnt care
then held tighter than ever before
with my face in your hair
it smelled like my shampoo
because you took a shower
while i locked myself in my room

it sucks trying to remember what you look like
knowing i'll see you soon
and the red will be faded
fucked myself with how long i waited