im a mess when im clean

i wonder how cold it will be
i wonder how long it will take me to drown

that bridge
the memories which cross them
like my mind

my condolences to the bride
throwing herself over

like the circumstances she considered below her
marrying a man who didnt know her

they all died
like what i feel inside

he told me the cracks
i could conceal
just hold back on what i reveal

but i dont want that

a life full of facts
a life holding me back

like that woman had
maybe thats why she did it

because for those few seconds
of gravity pulling her down

she felt important,
necessary

then her body hit the water
and that ice cold sea

tore her from the seams

of perfection
and the idea that everything is always as it seems

how pissed she would be
when he told her she wasnt perfect
because she could bleed

then the water pulled her down
how stupid was she?

to believe that she would float
to believe that she meant a thing

fall to pieces

shes been watching too much tv
told me that she loved me
but life is full of maybes

and what ifs
i dont feel the same
i dont want to break her heart

but i dont feel that way
these curtains block out sunlight
turning the days into night

and her hearts burns
but mine churns
watching summer turn cold

as these feelings get old
feeling trapped
like my past

when she told me she missed me
i could say it back
and i have to live with that

cant imagine anyone else feeling so broken

no faith in me
no faith in you

i respect those who can put their hearts on the line
to feel a god they cant see
to put their lives on hold to intertwine

ive seen grace
like my mother pulling me out of a broken mess
child of the state

but i cant see passed that
the literal savior was the woman beside me
the woman who made me

this morning, it brought my past back
realizing what i lack
my innocence and childhood i can never get back

but i dont want that
i want now what i thought i understood
before being pulled from my lonely neighborhood

i think im making the right decision
only trusting what i can see
however thats never set me free

holding me back like a newborn baby
my daddy who tied my wings
telling me what i could never be

i was lost in the sea
currents reiterating that i should be down on my knees
to pray for forgiveness, for something to which i had never agreed

how could i believe in you?
when you never helped them believe me?
when i was only doing what was best for others

putting little girls and boys futures before me
i never wanted to stand in front of a man who womanized a baby
but i realized it had to happen before he marked another three

still he walked
smiling as he talked
because a twelve year old girl

couldnt show twelve others her
and what was taken
they were mistaken

and proved god was only faking
allowing another mean man
to keep on breaking

so if you can trust him after that
if you can see passed his past
well you have a faith that i lack

and i would never wish for that

gotta live until you die

there was so much i wanted to say
that needed to be said
but in reality, the words lacked depth

and not enough could fill in the holes
in the blanks
and sentences with fragments

i needed her
not want
but like i had to have her

and these are just filler
nothing compared to the feeling of her
curled up inside

curled up beside
i want to feel that love
that right now is just distance

come home from nashville
the city lights cant break apart my insistence
they can fill cracks

but never with what you left me.

a part of me felt like i was broken too

glass coffin, golden crown
he breaks what isnt broken
then lays me down

water fills up the insides
drowning me in myself.
holding onto the outsides

hoping it doesnt show
because verses never speak the truth
they emphasize the emptiness

but right now i only feel wholeness
and holiness
with the god who burdens me

tell me that im weak
you know that makes you a liar
you know that im a fighter

and i spent every day holding on

call me a liar
tell me im choked up in imagination
and that love is just a fascination

because i can do nothing but agree with you
holding on for three years
denying all my worst fears

and yeah i lied
because it hurt
fake heartbreak feels the worst

god told me he could clean my slate
if i could wash his son's feet
but ive had enough of being on my knees

praying for someone who doesnt believe in me
and keeps fucking me over
burning down bridges before im over

now youre asking me to follow?
as if my past didnt prove you lied
to a little girl trying to take her life.

the end isnt permanent

whats the line between life and death?
i know its something ive crossed in my head
the cross says its permanent
and its hell if you pursued it

but does that really make me something less?
just trying to get closer to where im really meant
do i feel more once it is met?
or will i still be fighting, hands tied in another net?

i was always told that white is pure
leading me to believe that crimson is cure
and i shall be wrapped in silk
as if my body is more

but they told me if i were lighter
things would be brighter
leading me to starve myself
proving i was never a fighter

so ill pull this noose tighter
glad that i was never lighter
glad hanging made me matter
more than words that shatter

christ lied
heaven hurts
questioning what
we fought for.