Maybe it was my heart, or maybe it was my mind. Sometimes, it was hard to tell the difference.

i want that
that longing
and the hurt

the kind of rain that burns
feelings like it:
when they fall,
they break apart and splash everywhere

i want to fall apart
but be alright
because its what im supposed to do
in your arms

instead im holding myself up
holding myself back
from being open and honest
i thought we were beyond this

but you changed
once you stopped speaking
there was nothing to gain

but it was my body blamed
ive been wracking my brain for reasons
reasons why there couldnt be us

am i just too much?
the same reason which interested you
or rather, lacking?
especially in mystery

i want you to be with me
i dont want to play games
i want to be free

be proud of me

remember crayons?
coloring the sun a bright orange
telling me you loved the stars
because regardless of how far
you could always see exactly where they are

i remember the night sky
black like an abyss
back then i could never imagine
that one day i would be swimming in it

i remember crossing the streets
and looking both ways
holding your hand
knowing with you, i would be safe

now im diving in
worried about the future
wondering how ill get there
ive never felt so scared

but youre still right here
the way you guide
the way youre near
once again,
theres nothing i could ever truly fear.

leaving you because i love you

i dont want to say goodbye
goodbye is scary
and my heart is weary

but i realize that we're never going to change
and we'll both keep getting hurt
so you can give your heart to her

im always lockd up in my head
while youre locked up in your heart
i will never let you in

so now we can restart
i got ahead of myself
and you didnt know what to do with yourself

so let mutually walk away
tell ourselves we'll both be okay
and maybe we'll believe it

eyes closed

when i cant say what i feel
itll only make things worse
but i want you to know what is real
when youre so well rehearsed

i know when youre lying
youre so full of yourself
but keep on denying
i heard you the first time

youre tying nooses
wrapping them around our relationship
and burning the bridges
we had only just began to build

why wont you leave?
take the hint?
youre the last i want to see
and the only one isnt me.

you can hold onto the bed sheets, but they wont hold onto you

yeah this loneliness is plaguing
and losing me in my thoughts
breaking away from what i thought i wanted
and it was all for you

i kept my promise
even after i lost you
for no god damn reason
you left me broken, but breathing

and thats not even the worst part
we didnt even start
you just led me on
to cut me off

while i confessed my everything to you
you said that was the thing you liked best about me
you always knew what i was thinking
just like last night, i still feel the need to let you know:

i fucking hate you
i hate the way you act like nothing ever happened
and i play along for you
but even worse, i still want you

i know when im losing you

empty bed
the sheets that once tangled us together
now are cold like the weather

i feel lost
like the autumn leaves
but keep on hoping,
youll come back to me

i let you go
as you asked
but only on the outside
the memories still last

but i tried so hard
to erase that face
replace it with another
but there was always a trace

now im sick
in bed for a week
cant imagine it any other way
havent eaten in a week

stomach ache

you asked
said you never knew what was true with me
but there are some things i cant fake
like you, i cant keep my eyes away

and i dont want to seem hopeful
but i noticed that look
like you said you had had the first day
like you remembered my name like yesterday

ive never been the type to miss
the one to hold onto the past
as if it was something ideal
but you made me feel something i previously didnt know i could feel