other memories from disposable cameras

i dont know what this makes me
or if it even makes me into something i previously wasnt

but sometimes we wake up with scars we dont remember acquiring
trying to pick up the pieces
repeating and resenting the timing

when the word on my wrist is supposed to remind me
but who was i kidding?
lying about the way im lying

when i spend most of my days here defying
who i thought i was
or better said, defiling

and i dont know if i changed my mind because im leaving
or if i made my choice based on who ive been being

maybe a change in scenery
will mark a change in me

because this morning
i realized im getting too old for this shit
hating who i was
when i get drunk enough to bend

thinking i was too bold to be left cold
you said you appreciate the way i write
but does this change your mind?
reading about how i change my mind

i fucked up
you were too loud and too proud
you should have hung me up
when you left saying you would come back
glad i didnt want you back

i knew right after i had what i wanted
that every blurred memory of your body on my body would leave me haunted

and i want everyone to know i dont regret everything
at several points i made the right mistake:
forgetting my camera
realizing the things i thought were good stories in the beginning
years later would only remind me of how im glad i took advantage of a new beginning

though i fucking hated the ending
sitting there all doe eyed and gnawing on my bottom lip
listing all that i lack and the places i found bending
and when you think youve seen it all, it was just the tip

we didnt talk after that
both knowing if we had that night back
i wouldnt have displayed all that i lack

and i would have taken the stairs
although harder
i could have avoided the corner
every decision i made led me straight to the coroner