You could waste my whole life.

If I thought for a second it would've meant something, I would have remained wholly holy and relinquished all pride which held me down while you cried yourself to sleep for the first time in weeks. I hope you believe me when I repeat: I never meant for any of this to happen, to have it all blow up in our faces due to a slight blemish on our otherwise perfectly content hearts. But I lack the discretionary power to decide whats overlook-able and whats not- after staying in a poisonous relationship for over a year. I never wanted to fight, to allow you to see my relentlessness, however it cuts glass and showed through.
But I hope you know, this will forever slaughter my heart repeatedly, as if it happens continually when ever I glance into your puppy dog eyes. You did more than I expected and more than I deserve and I took it for granted. Jealousy haunted me when you told me you loved me and I felt it- while my reciprocations fell short with unsure-ness, and disgusting hurt with the lack of butterflies I felt for this boy who gave me everything when I had nothing to return, but my problems and shortcomings. I lacked. I always lacked. Nothing but bitter sorrow for me will fill your place. All the guilt will well up and I shame myself with disgrace.
But all you said was "alright." I'm at a loss for words- does that mean you're alright? Will I ever understand what you meant upon our last words? Am I only shaming myself more by begging you to tell me everything is alright- even if it isn't? I hope for God's sake I hurt more than you. That you were prepared by my sudden lack of desire to be all-over-you was the foreshadow to the event which led me to this sickening state of sorrow and remorse as if I just shot to hell every chance of being happy ever again. Were you capable of that? I know you always had me smiling, but looking back, I'm sadly attempting to fill up every smile on the outside with undercover hopelessness on the inside. I hope you're okay so I can be okay.