I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose.

I meant it when I told you I'm sorry, and I still do beside my front I attempt to put up. I do care. You broke my heart too, when you severed our strings- my only friend which could make my heart bend.
But you refuse to admit that, like I made my choice, you made yours. -As if it doesn't hurt me just as bad. You won't even give me a chance, exactly what you're claiming to hold against me. If you love me, why do you leave me? If I broke your heart, why won't you allow me to mend it? Or to at least make an attempt? If I hurt you and this pain swells up and causes you tears, why would you inflict the exact same on me? Why do we hurt the ones we love most and love the ones who hurt us the most?
"We had a fun run," or so they say. But I never wanted it to end. When I broke your heart, it was not intentional, but meant to make it so we last, as friends. I'm sorry I felt little more for you. That I may have led you on, and caused an avalanche of nonstop brokenness- the broken connections we played with- in an attempt to duct tape it. I told you I was sorry and I meant it, so why do you refuse it? Act like our connection was lost on that dramatically sunny day when anger rose and we split ways. I never wanted to say good bye. I never meant for this to happen, as I repeat it over and over again. I do love you. I never lied about that. And I did feel something, but not what both of us wished. I'm so goddamn sorry for that.

just can't help myself anymore

Never expected the words to sting
so much
the eternalness of so much
good luck

You could waste my whole life.

If I thought for a second it would've meant something, I would have remained wholly holy and relinquished all pride which held me down while you cried yourself to sleep for the first time in weeks. I hope you believe me when I repeat: I never meant for any of this to happen, to have it all blow up in our faces due to a slight blemish on our otherwise perfectly content hearts. But I lack the discretionary power to decide whats overlook-able and whats not- after staying in a poisonous relationship for over a year. I never wanted to fight, to allow you to see my relentlessness, however it cuts glass and showed through.
But I hope you know, this will forever slaughter my heart repeatedly, as if it happens continually when ever I glance into your puppy dog eyes. You did more than I expected and more than I deserve and I took it for granted. Jealousy haunted me when you told me you loved me and I felt it- while my reciprocations fell short with unsure-ness, and disgusting hurt with the lack of butterflies I felt for this boy who gave me everything when I had nothing to return, but my problems and shortcomings. I lacked. I always lacked. Nothing but bitter sorrow for me will fill your place. All the guilt will well up and I shame myself with disgrace.
But all you said was "alright." I'm at a loss for words- does that mean you're alright? Will I ever understand what you meant upon our last words? Am I only shaming myself more by begging you to tell me everything is alright- even if it isn't? I hope for God's sake I hurt more than you. That you were prepared by my sudden lack of desire to be all-over-you was the foreshadow to the event which led me to this sickening state of sorrow and remorse as if I just shot to hell every chance of being happy ever again. Were you capable of that? I know you always had me smiling, but looking back, I'm sadly attempting to fill up every smile on the outside with undercover hopelessness on the inside. I hope you're okay so I can be okay.

narrowed

The anger is there
like stories of untold
misfortune and sorrow
pent up like the fleeting
courage to point the arrow

this bloody sword
and the words i can't swallow
hold me down until tomorrow
i no longer yearn for
the feeling of hallow

ive already exceeded
my limit of incorrigible
whom leave me weeping
i am no longer penetrable
if you find a knife in my back....

best friends

Weak girls with their weak knees
hoping if they give a boy everything
theyll mean something

i tried to tell you
you were worth more
i tried tell you
you were beautiful

but it meant nothing
if it wasnt from him
consumed by need
she'd give anything
as he watched her bleed

i tried to reconcile
with the pain that she had
when i told her i loved her
it pissed her off instead

sketching rhymes

some say courage
is the answer to a prayer
another sweet addition
to the layers and layers

to the one they call a savior

but i say courage
is something thats learned
not given, but gained
after years of being burned

and i yearn for the days when i love

and i praise
someone i cant see
but i still say grace
for every day

and i give him my needs

i give him my pleasures
when i feel greed
i still say my prayers
i ask for forgiveness

i ask for pursuit

when i desire
i understand not seeing fruit
i love without power
i love without praise

and when i see mercy

i thank for days

a funeral keeps both of us apart

They were wrong
its a constant battle between
whose right and whose deep
whose on edge and whose at sleep.

i considered what it would take
to make me bleed again
and i wondered if i could ever
sleep again
knowing what i did to ring it in

its what i do:
cut the strings
before they cut my
rings

like ringlets
soft brown ringlets
of an innocent little girl,
those ceiling fans that ruined her
and how they bruised her

what i would do
to get another taste of sugar
but when i look in the mirror
id rather cut my craving
by the lb
hoping soon the magazines will love me

its a war
fighting the urges that will take me
to the floor
and what i would do for a cure

another boy to add to the list
keep it in your back pocket
and regret it with an iron fist
because people will always think less

would they believe you
if you tried to reason?
if you explained that it hurt you too?
but you're always alone.

fight

Its like asking a dead man
to come back to life;
this sickening silence
filled with life.

But I don't expect you to understand
you were never me.
so suffocated with other's problems
there's no room to breathe.