2 shadows

I cant leave your side without the smell of cigarettes on my sweater
but i hate the feeling of being alone
so i trace your crucifix with my fingertips
and judge you for your crutches

but i still dont wash my hands
before i touch someone new
it always happens too soon
and you hate that thats something you knew about me
before you ever really knew me
my past is thicker than the smoke thats hanging

i cant detach myself from your broken promises
so i try to blind my brain
begging to change the way i over-glorify
people who think im not enough for them
because i am sick of suffocating on nicotine
for people who dont want to hear what i think

and so
that summer we bought disposable cameras
i waited to get the film developed
i know i am not akin to fitting in
but the alcohol ingested
created a moment
a feeling unlike indifferent or distant
and i didnt want to miss it
but the photographs still felt foreign when i thought i needed them

now i am crowded
and shoved, spilled beer with no buzz
i feel emotionally fatigued
a catalyst to my social anxiety
but repetition dulls me
and this is what living is supposed to be...
right?
i need to get out
to feel trapped and lonely

this art
it proves regression
when im dying for clarity
ive moved on from the worst of things
found travel and trees
but i drown myself in dreams
i will never follow through with
because promises are toxic
and i learned that from my best friend

it was a lie to say anyone would be there when i needed them
so whats the use of getting drunk with fake friends?