I open my eyes and only minutes have passed
Since i felt my ears popping
Dozing off in the backseat
Of a car driving up a california mountain top
20 hours since i last slept
And nightmares awoken
From a startled past
Numbing my hand to imagine
It is a boy on the east coasts
Soft carress against my cheek
Opposite of every one in my past
Calloused hands with rough grasps
Staking claim over a body
They have no more intention in knowing
Than skin
I resent every moment
I put my heart before my head
So i feel like a revolving door for every man
who takes what he wants and doesnt give a damn
I spent hours looking at every page of your high school sketchbook
And burned the memory of your safe place in my mind
Break down every second together in increments
Remember every word you said
I had never felt so trusted
Until you said you couldnt do this through text?
And you are not the only reason
Just another example
Of how i know we all break our backs for people who dont notice our potential
But tell me why
Im still having dreams of you
Where im chewing on glass
Then waking up out of breath
Cut you off from being honest
Because i beg not to hear any of it
In another desperate leap for human connection
I drive to georgia in the middle of the night to see him
Then he doesn't return my call
I never know what he wants
Anymore than i can know why i want him
And i tell strangers everything
So i can barricade myself against anyone i could have wanted
There is a man twice my age on the other side of the world
Who knows my story more than anyone
(Only portrayed callously,
As if it never affected me)
Who idealized me
Until his sexual advances had left me unkempt
Said i must have wanted it
Because i opened up to him
But he only listened to respond
And feasted with his eyes
Then responded angrily, said i was a lie
I have enough friends who tell me
The boys i write about are dumb
Dont know themselves anymore than love
But cant tell me why
I can give myself away
Without feeling a thing
Until im responded with a lack of empathy
The lack of desire for anything but my body
When thats all i can offer up honestly
Since i felt my ears popping
Dozing off in the backseat
Of a car driving up a california mountain top
20 hours since i last slept
And nightmares awoken
From a startled past
Numbing my hand to imagine
It is a boy on the east coasts
Soft carress against my cheek
Opposite of every one in my past
Calloused hands with rough grasps
Staking claim over a body
They have no more intention in knowing
Than skin
I resent every moment
I put my heart before my head
So i feel like a revolving door for every man
who takes what he wants and doesnt give a damn
I spent hours looking at every page of your high school sketchbook
And burned the memory of your safe place in my mind
Break down every second together in increments
Remember every word you said
I had never felt so trusted
Until you said you couldnt do this through text?
And you are not the only reason
Just another example
Of how i know we all break our backs for people who dont notice our potential
But tell me why
Im still having dreams of you
Where im chewing on glass
Then waking up out of breath
Cut you off from being honest
Because i beg not to hear any of it
In another desperate leap for human connection
I drive to georgia in the middle of the night to see him
Then he doesn't return my call
I never know what he wants
Anymore than i can know why i want him
And i tell strangers everything
So i can barricade myself against anyone i could have wanted
There is a man twice my age on the other side of the world
Who knows my story more than anyone
(Only portrayed callously,
As if it never affected me)
Who idealized me
Until his sexual advances had left me unkempt
Said i must have wanted it
Because i opened up to him
But he only listened to respond
And feasted with his eyes
Then responded angrily, said i was a lie
I have enough friends who tell me
The boys i write about are dumb
Dont know themselves anymore than love
But cant tell me why
I can give myself away
Without feeling a thing
Until im responded with a lack of empathy
The lack of desire for anything but my body
When thats all i can offer up honestly
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