drunk and productive

Its much easier for me to flee than my sister who tends to see the good in everybody

But she finds comfort in boys who can be drunkenly controlling
Finds beauty in misery caused by triggered flashbacks
She feels everything relates
And Sees it in his eyes
He loves her
But he cant find the time
To show anyone
Need another bottle of wine
Or something stronger
Something we would beg our father

to give away
Please stop
Please stay

Im not stronger

Though i said i was
Claim there are walls ive built
To not put up with the same shit
Decline the idea that i have a weakness
For anyone who prefers to get drunk
Than get passed it
We're all a little fucked up
Its just different

Instead ill pull my knees up
And beg for this bathtub to burn my skin
Choke on the evenness
Of water pouring out of the faucet
Sync my breathing or get lost
I feel a little better
I feel A little delicate
When the pinkness prospers on my skin
Muffle the piano i hear in the background. Music
I try to relate

i hate the mirror and what i see in my fogged reflection
And i wonder what i can do
To be beautiful too
I already know that i am most days
But i mean in a different way
Because i dont know what to say to someone who doesnt want to be saved

And she knows it
In a way i wish she didnt
She would ask whats worse
Declining the recognition
Everything is alright
With blurred vision

She would make jokes
In attempt to ease tension
But i was statuesque
Understanding this wasnt the half of it
As she wrapped her arms around someone
Drunk and belligerent
I wondered if this was what she wanted

He was right.
I dont care
Not about him
Ive Formed the same kind of detachment
From who should have sheltered me from this
More than i didnt know what to say
Wanted to know if she told him about our father
And ask him if he thought he was okay
Knew he would say yes
Because when he gets drunk,
He knows she will stay

I dont get it
As ive repeated
And i wonder if its some sick need to care for people who cant take care of themselves
a reaction to a role we grew up in
The faces change
But the memories are reiterated
As we get a little older and realize
That this would envelope us
Just wish it wasnt so soon
Just wish there was a little room
To make our own decisions
But some of us fall into it

And as hes passed out in my backseat
We talk about our past
In a weird way
In which we dont feel safe
But like victims
Who see the same things over again
Im in a compromised position
When everyone notices the abusiveness
I hope she can get through this

flightless bird

I am begging myself to feel drunk and brave enough to cut where his hands had touched me before he changed his mind

I thought all my scattered stoned thoughts had made sense

But inspiration is a privilege

 and i tried to force myself to focus on an old flame

That had already died away

So im trying to get myself to feel high and worthless enough to write something i deem of value

Because i know this is where i lay

And turn my music up enough to get lost 
Ill feel my heart and breathing match the rhythm

But not listen

Obsess over a poetic reputation

He made me feel something i didnt think that he could

Confused currently on the cusp of crying

I feel it welling inside of me

Now i am over the edge enough

To divulge the truth

Honest about my insecurities

I speak nervous and softly

Fuck up my words because im struggling

My train of thought comes to a hault

In a silence too comfortable

It is overwhelming

I roll my eyes and hope you think im lovely

My intentions are sweet

But theyre compromising

I am divergent 

But write repetitively

I will be anything you could want me to be

Forever in the pursuit of an affection

Something i must feel i lack as i lay in this bed again

chainsmoke my words

i am in love with the ability of this beauty
when i miss a girl
she used to wrap her leg around me
as we would sleep

god i remember melting
i remember my eyes deceiving
not seeing beauty in me
despite her begging me to feel reflected
in eyes i beg now to remember the color of
just the softness of her skin
tanned, i remember glowing in flame
and her turning my radio up
enough to dull pain

i tried to reconnect
but instead felt belittled
which resulted in refrain
i do not fit
where i used to
not on her childhood bed
in the room i would throw rocks at a window above

she wrote about me
it still gives me butterflies
the same way she did
when we would read our favorite poetry
she would say this reminds me

i would feel suffocated as she laid beside me
but for some reason tonight
im searching for the same feeling
i remember only she could give

youre going to run out of things to say to me

its not an excuse
just some scattered reasoning
for not speaking in so long
when i get high
my mouth shuts,
so my brain can run wild

i dont know if things happen for a reason
or if its all just coincidence
someone just close enough to touch
passes and then i hear some music about
what does god really mean?
when he cant do anything for me
its fucking upsetting
and it doesnt help when we vibe over hating our lives
it just further distances me from maybe
theres a reason im still living

im going to run out of things to say to you

i dont want to open up
its probably too late
through everything i said theres a detachment
and i wonder if you get it
more so now as you said you wished you were dead
i get that part
but we never connected
not like you imagined