"up in our bedroom after the war."

im self - destructive
in pursuit of frivolous things
a relationship without any backing
knowing now i rushed further in
than i was ready for
i slept on the floor

and i locked you out
to prove a point
which still wasnt made
you knocked on the door

i painted everything red
constantly checking emails
hoping i'll get fucked
by someone else

and im getting tired of faking it
saying i feel something i dont anymore

but im obsessed with the drama
of turning true love away
forgetting every promise we made
i cant sleep in the bed we laid

tonight with the scratches across your back

bed ridden star freckle
checking emails constantly
begging to mean more than i deserve
but feeling unsure
tearing apart both worlds

as if i could see through brown eyes
tugging you close with gentle fingers
curled on either side
begging for you to tell me what it meant
nodding off but knowing i cant sleep
because this side of the bed is not for me

i feel comfortable when youre beside me
but i recognize thats a common feeling temporarily
sleeping better with anyone at all beside me
now i dont know what to make of these sheets
being a little more lost than usually
when i know she takes her place back after i leave

but i dont want to put pressure on things
knowing where i get ahead
and recognizing its a daily thing
obsessing over every meeting

absolutely no one

how did i used to write?
when i had something different to say?
lost in the plans
and caught up in the past
i dreaded every morning
as if i couldnt leave
as if i dont remember repeating
"the past lasts"
and missing careless summer
the pull of pools of forsaken wanders

the repetition in my head would defeat me
pull me under and deplete me

but obsessive repetitions would complete me
writing poetry easily
feeling as if
in this, im enough

i would be so proud
and yet, so lonely
sharing
"get to know me"
but there was a lack of understanding
and im like
"this makes sense"
found what i needed
usually so mute
but this expresses completely
read this
its perfect

as my emotions change so quickly
it keeps up
when there is a frog in my throat
and i cant speak up
not to you
ill just suffer
and let it boil up
when i uncover

its been a while
and i feel raw
forcing myself to share it all
or high alone
in my car
scared as shit of what im doing
regretting decisions
i havent completely made
wondering what its like on a different road
in a different state

ive proved twice i cant
and finding myself back in the nesting hole
wondering if its enough to stay at home

everything is so deeply felt
hot in this bed
feeling ill melt

why cant i just stay for a minute
burns the tip of my tongue to think about it
but maybe i should try a little less different
i could find an edge of the nest thats big enough
build a life and fall in love

i went out on a limb to shake things up
and though i came home
im not the same as i was

feeling now proud
that i know what i need

no longer questioning whether im brave enough
repeating to everyone
im not the same as i was