refuge

three months and im still getting the hang of this
remembering when i held my feelings in
before you could give me the spins

ive never felt so loved or in love
at first feeling uncomfortable
nervous to tell you a week in
but now comfortably lived with
not soon after,
id never be the same again
and at the same time i still get butterflies
when i see those eyes i swim in
you are more than i could ever imagine

i still miss you
in between the few hours we're apart
begging for it to end
hating having to imagine your arms

i still want you wrapped around me
even as im suffocating
begging for some sleep
but finding it difficult
without you beside me
it takes me hours in bed
i cant ever rest
cuddling air where you should be
daydreaming repetitions when you say you love me

im stumbling over fragmented sentences
hoping you can make sense of this

Im wishing I could read you my poetry again
missing home
for some comfort or material things
whichever seems more me

or maybe its my creative peak
begging for cerulean edge
pretending i could speak
but distance makes a disaster of me
i tried holding on to changing things
and i remember what i said regretfully

ive held sheets over my head
so long i suffocate my bed
i cant keep a promise before i make a new one
this time, no, this time im done

i was reminded yesterday that im not over it
how  can i be?
remembering nights i was held to sleep
cradled by someone who prefers the streets
to loving anyone else
but himself

im not my sister
shouting " i love anyone who needs me"
not that i mean that negatively
and im more unlike someone who ignores the situation totally
and i dont mean that negatively
id prefer it sometimes
when i forget to rhyme

i need a new back bone though
because im not okay
mine leads me astray
fooling me with false understanding
until i saw him standing