nothing gets so bad....

i miss memories of cuddling you sweetly
girls smell so pretty
and long hair in my face
tickling my nose
trying to retrace....
my knee between your legs
begging for you to respond
in a way i will not be bound
ive crossed you off now

and i miss the train tracks
frostbite and rocks digging into my back
but loving how comfortable i felt with what i lack
when i knew exactly what i had
and how little effort it could take
to make everything alright
any night
i gave up late

i could sit inches close
feeling the wind around my brain
autumn air burned away
alcohol ingested to dull the pain
knowing then i could reach out and touch it
seconds today
and years to decay

i didnt know i could be hated for what i want
begging for some empathy
but responded angrily
because im selfish
to consider death
when its all ive ever wanted

all the wrong things on fire

you make it like world war 3
pushing and pulling on fraying strings
leave me wondering what you expected from me
you cant be honest and i drag my feet

im struggling to find the light
covering myself when i blink
and every movement slight
holding everything back
so i can struggle to write

half naked,
but begging you to tell me
i mean more than i said all i want to be
a warm body for your empty sheets
didnt realize id find that so troubling
stupid to think i could detach the feelings

i didnt know you well enough
still dont
idealizing what i meant to you
and what it meant when you told me what you missed
hearing in your past all these lovely promises
when i should have just been jaded

youre too open for it to have meant anything
and im too embarrassed to admit im pinned

but maybe this is what i needed
justifying heartbreak as another writers chore
recognizing im just some blurred memory
of thinking with the wrong body part
and when im feeling really shitty
i tell myself you werent thinking at all
some encouragement to net the fall

still place my hands past your ribcage

because i dont get how you have any right to be mad
i was misplaced
whether upon my own doing
or because you put me there
and maybe you forgot
or changed your mind
but never clued me in
cause 'fuck you; i was only fucking you'
didnt seem to rhyme

but let this be known
i wasnt expecting coffee in your bed
or mine
i didnt want to spend the night
i didnt expect anything
i was caught off guard
and confused by your guard
and by every intention
because "we'll see how this goes"
doesnt let anyone win

and when i was hurt
i know it wasnt my fault
because you led me in
to where lines blur
and i wasn't mistaken
in thinking i was more
and put more emphasis
than what was actually bore